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Posts Tagged ‘Loch Dhu’

It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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1: Did you know… that Colin Dunnage was only given the Malts Ambassador job at Diageo when they realised the Biker Mice From Mars were actually fictional characters.

2: Did you know… Ian Logan from Glenlivet is actually a failed clone of René from classic 1980s British sitcom Allo Allo.

It just didn't work.

It just didn’t work.

3: Did you know… in the 1980s Glenturret Distillery built a turret and enslaved a Romanian teenager called Rapunzel in the top chamber in what many now regard as the second worst marketing stunt in the history of whisky. Only narrowly superseded by the blatant use of Michael Owen.

4: Did you know… the ‘aftershave’ that Macaulay Culkin hilariously slapped onto his pre-pubescent chops in Home Alone was actually 1980s Speyburn new make spirit. Hence his genuine scream of agony at having wasted a potentially lucrative investment for his burgeoning whisky portfolio (which he would later swap entirely for heroin in 2011).

5: Did you know… Victoria Shagging Barfly is now available as an app.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

6: Did you know… Glenlivet distillery is only open to visitors one day a year. The day changes annually and no one knows when it will actually be. Anyone who shows up on the day it is actually open is allowed to taste their 12 year old and be accompanied to the bathroom by a member of staff.

7: Did you know… Kevin Keegan was once the official ‘mouser’ at Scapa.

8: Did you know…  Former Chancellor of the Exchequer and unionist pin-up Alisdair Darling’s eyebrows are that colour because of Loch Dhu.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

9: Did you know… Neddy Loveblow of The Whisky Lounge keeps up to 12 different Barry Manilow cassette tapes in his beard at all times.

10: Did you know… Oliver Kermit’s new blog ‘Today’s Fine Food’ is used by capitalists as a motivational web based resource for starving children in the Sudan.

11: Did you know… Professor Jill Bumsden can survive unaided in a fermenting washback for up to 17 minutes for reasons science can not yet wholly explain.

12: Did you know… Jasper Clementine once came 7th in the 1993 Annual Turckheim Professor Calculus Lookalike Competition.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

13: Did you know… The Cadenhead’s shop in Edinburgh is the only place in the known universe where the time continuum is completely static.

14: Did you know… the manager of Glenkinchie knows a guy who once shook hands with some bloke who once had a go of the gun that shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

15: Did you know… the Glasgow Whisky Company got the idea for calling their new release of whisky from another distillery – which is totally not just a dressed up independent bottling – ‘Prometheus’ by getting utterly baked on cheap weed one night and throwing fridge magnets at Ridley Scott films.

16: Did you know… Diageo invented and patented the Gaelic language in 1983.

17: Did you know… Most norse mythology is based on Highland Park bottlings.

18: Did you know… Whiskysponge’s resident reviewer Giuseppe Linguini once spent 87 hours in an ex-fino sherry puncheon hiding from Mickey Heads when he was manager of Jura after Giuseppe sold him a Ford Cortina with two and a half cardboard break disks.

19: Did you know… Jasper Clementine has patented the use of the aroma ‘Kumquats’ in tasting notes and will instigate legal action against anyone that uses it. Despite the fact that it is a fictitious fruit that has yet to be proven to exist outside of Waitrose.

20: Did you know… Dark Mollesty of Whiskyshaft once urinated in a cask of Octomore while Jimbob Paterson was emptying the magazine of a Tech 9 at passing seagulls in warehouse 3 at Bruichladdich.

It was later described by Jimbob as 'an undeniable improvement'.

It was later described by Jimbob as ‘an undeniable improvement’.

21: Did you know… Anthony Spills of Kilchoman personally incubates each cask of his whisky by sitting on it for at least 24 hours.

22: Did you know… Jimbob Paterson still believes he is Distillery Manger at Bowmore and has given at least 37 interviews in that capacity. All of which have been described charitably as ‘incomprehensible’.

23: Did you know… Damon Albarn of Blur once interviewed for the job of manager at Longmorn Distillery but was told his lack of confidence with augmented chords in his songwriting was what ultimately cost him the job.

24: Did you know… Richard McEwen of Whyte & MacKay once went total ape shit and tried to force feed Nick Morgan a crate of Bananas. Nick had to later be treated for excessive potassium intake.

25: Did you know… Internationally hated Laphroaig hoarder Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills has had his house raided on 17 occasions by the Dutch Police’s Tropical Fruit Enforcement Task Force. All of whom were bribed with platinum fillings.

HIs kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

His kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

26: Did you know… Before Ardbeg decided to put whisky in space they attempted to send some of Mary’s Clootie Dumpling but the rocket had insufficient fuel capacity and thrust to propel the pudding into orbit. It was described by renowned NASA astrophysicist Dr Herbert Drag as “Dense as fuck!” .

27: Did you know… Scotland is the only country in the world where Jan Birch lives.

28: Did you know… Dark Mollesty has presented over 88 episodes of Whiskyshaft while utterly off hit tits on crack.

29: Did you know… Speyburn’s old mashtun will be sent to Balcones distillery in the USA where it will be used as a secure chamber in which to store Chip Tait.

30: Did you know… Liam Buxton’s latest book ‘101 Whiskies To Try While Breaking The World Record For Most Pork Scratchings Gnawed Directly From A Live Pig’, was sponsored by North Korea.

31: Did you know… The Papal Archives in the Vatican contain over 22 unpublished tasting notes by Jim Murray for which the world is not yet ready.

32: Did you know… Peter Capaldi’s recent critically acclaimed turn as Doctor Who was based entirely on Iain Henderson’s last day as Distillery Manager at Laphroaig.

33: Did you know… The film ‘Event Horizon’ was inspired by the minutes of a marketing strategy conference call at Dayglo Retard.

34: Did you know… Jim Sweep once fashioned a quill out of his own hair in order to sign a copy of his book about closed Glasgow distilleries ‘Pure Dead Whisky’ using one of the six Pina Coladas he was drinking as ink.

35: Did you know… Andrew Symington has had Edradour Distillery exorcised on 14 separate occasions by 3 different Popes.

36: Did you know… Amrut Single Malt is actually made in a shed in Basingstoke by a woman named Henrietta Clump.

37: Did you know… the legendary whisky writer Michael Jackson was actually also Michael Jackson the international music star. Don’t believe us? You try and find a photo of them together…

38: Did you know… The word ‘Karuizawa’ means ‘laughing all the way to the bank’ in the native dialect of ancient Norfolk.

39: Did you know… Ralfy is bringing out a new brand of whisky flavoured Condoms called ‘Malt Mates’. They will be available in ‘NAS’, ‘Un-Chilfiltered’ and ‘Cask Strength’. Ralfy is keen to stress they will all be natural colour.

40: Did You Know… the people responsible for the Michael Owen ‘Spey’ whisky campaign are now wanted in over 62 countries around the world on charges including: ‘treason’, ‘disturbing the peace’, ‘grievous bodily harm’, ‘assault with a deadly weapon’, ‘incentive to riot’, ‘crimes against humanity’, ‘wilful lack of self-awareness’, ‘terrorism’, ‘poisoning’, ‘attempted murder’, ‘obscenity’, ‘attempting the sale of deadly substances’ and ‘coercion of a minor’.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

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There's a danger that everything may just be pretty similar whatever happens.

There’s a danger that everything may just be pretty similar whatever happens.

Whisky, Scotland’s national malt-based, distilled beverage has declared its support for a yes vote after seventeen burly coopers transported it in a large marrying tun to a polling booth in Dufftown in order for it to cask its vote. Its announcement today has come as a shock to many campaigners on both sides who expected Whisky to maintain its long standing impartiality in the debate. Indeed it has long been used for voter leverage by both sides of the referendum campaign. In a final, tear-stained speech to voters yesterday evening, Alistair Darling, the haggard monochrome chipmunk in charge of the No campaign said:

“We all need to wake up to the fact that if we vote yes there will be no going back. The economic situation will be so bad that all whisky will have to be made at Loch Lomond distillery and the best you can hope for will be a 7 year old Croftengea for your Hogmanay tipple this year. Not only that, but in desperation to create more jobs many massive new caramel mines will need to be dug all over Scotland so the nationalists can simply bury the unemployed in massive job pits. All this caramel will have to be used for something; with deeply bitter No campaigners almost certainly bombing the Tunnock’s factory out of spite, Whisky will be the only option. So just vote no for fuck’s sake, please. I will literally hand out free blow jobs!” 

We're Dooomed!

We’re Dooomed!

In a ruddy-joweled riposte delivered while personally throwing armfuls of special rose-tinted commemorative independence goggles into the thronging crows on Largs pier. Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond, the result of a genetic experiment gone awry when a box of shortbread was accidentally crossed with a fino-sherry puncheon, said:

“This is typical of the scaremongering that we’ve come to expect from Team Mordor, as was stated in the Beige Paper all the way back in November, there are contingency plans afoot for Speyburn to become Scotland’s national distillery. Every household in Scotland will be entitled to a free magnum of Speyburn Bradan-Orach once a month under the NHS, two bushels of North Sea Oil and family pass to Loch Fyne. As soon as we’ve turned it into a jacuzzi that is. All this will be paid for by the undercutting of UK corporation tax and the revenue generated by all these wind turbines which will soon be going into overdrive given the amount of hot air this whole debate has generated.” 

YES!

YES!

Speaking while quietly reclining in a variety of casks all over Scotland, Whisky said:

“It’s been an arduous and soul-searching process for me to come to a decision. Obviously I could have voted no and just continued down the path I’m already on, I mean I’m doing pretty well lets be honest. But I can’t escape the face that I dream of a world with slightly longer fermentations, a world where production is no longer led by marketing but by the people that actually enjoy and make whisky. I dream of a time when the importance of maturity is properly understood, where NAS isn’t a byword for pure shite, where whisky is made properly rather than fixed with some dodgy cask tinkering at the end. Why should I settle for being Loch Dhu, Inchmoan, Drumguish and that new Glen Scotia packaging when I can be 1960s Laphroaig, old style Strathisla, Springbank and Speyburn. If we can imagine it and dream it then chances are we can make it happen. Apart from that dream I had last night after someone finished me in an ex-Chateau Musar cask. Jill Bumsden as an extra-dimensional super-being materialises in Scotland with Glenmorangie swan neck stills for arms and does battle with the forces of the Scotch Whisky Arseociation for possession of the great yeast chalice of esterification. Total mental shit like! Still voted yes mind you.” 

 

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Kelvingrove Park in Glasgow. All the hot people are just out of shot.

Kelvingrove Park in Glasgow. All the hot people are just out of shot.

It’s that time of year when attractive people in Scotland come out of hiding and men decide that it’s very important to wear North Face shorts, build a lacklustre fire outdoors and dangerously undercook some meat before it rains again. It is also the season of whisky festivals all over the world. As a result of this Whiskysponge journalists have worked intermittently at divergent locations on the clock face to bring you this bullet point guide to whisky festivals.
Feel the sweat...sniff it...TASTE IT!

Feel the sweat…sniff it…TASTE IT!

The Whisykysponge Guide To Whisky Festivals
1: Whisky Festivals are descended from the SciFi themed nerd herdings of the 1970s. They first appeared in the early 2000s as a means for agoraphobic beardy men to conquer their fear of women and break out their collection of ironic t-shirts.
2: Early prototype whisky festivals carried out in Scottish places such as Glasgow were deeply harrowing. The mass graves and ‘chip bins’ of these sites can still be visited today so that future generations of whisky enthusiasts may learn from the mistakes of their forefathers. Some areas of early whisky festivity still carry a half-life of 100+ years and scientists remain unsure as to when we will be able to go in and recover the thousands of ‘premium dram tokens’ that nobody bothered to use. It is also rumoured that a man named Angus McThump has been trapped in a port-a-loo somewhere near George Square since Whisky Live 2005.
3: Modern whisky festivals are prevalent across the globe, here are some of the most popular:
.The Whisky Lounge puts on several throughout the year with shows in Antarctica, Svalbard and Scunthorpe planned for 2015.  
.Limburg in Germany is themed around the enjoyment of rare and modern whiskies in a sauna-like environment where large European men stagger around on the brink of cardiac arrest under the weight of enormous rucksacks overflowing with sample bottles.
.There is The Whisky Sexchange show in London in October, Berlinda Binge’s sex,whisky and hipster themed festival is always a popular draw, with the infamous tagline ‘Putting The ‘Cock’ In Cocktails’. 
Number 3 on the menu is known as 'The Flaming Bawbag'

Number 3 on the menu is known as ‘The Flaming Bawbag’

.The Lindores Whisky Society hosts a micro festival in Oostende in Belgium once a year where anyone caught with a bottle of whisky distilled after 1973 is lined up against the back wall of Hotel Giro and shot with a blunderbuss full of old spring caps.
They have to open about 3 cases of these each time they want to reload.

They have to open about 3 cases of these each time they want to reload.

.Then of course there are the Whisky Live festivals which vary from city to city around the globe, they range in quality from pretty good to eye-blisteringly shit.
.Glasgow has it’s own whisky festival nowadays, functionally called the ‘Glasgow Whisky Festival’. It is very much in the same vein as the original Whisky Live shows, except in a smaller more cramped venue so it’s easier to dispose of the bodies afterwards.
.The Islay Festival Of Malt And Queues, or ‘Feis Queue’ in Gaelic, is held from the last week of May into June. It is a popular festival for whisky enthusiasts and queue watchers alike, featuring the kind of shameless, sprawling, corporate cash-in bottlings that have helped systematically stamp out the traditional music side of the festival in recent years.
4: Etiquette at whisky festivals is intricate and mythical. Anyone found guilty of the following can, by law, be subjected to a Loch Dhu enema:
.Farting at tastings
.Agreeing with Jim Murray
.Turning up with a fuck off sack of sample bottles
.Hanging around in the vain hope of being offered something from ‘under the table’
.Eating Munster cheese
.Secreting miniatures in the lining of your massive trousers
.Puking on the floor
.Crying like a bitch
.Demanding that Eddie Ludlow do press ups
.Harping on about how you used to buy Black Bowmore for £70 a bottle in the 90s
.Not having a beard
.Not being / being a hipster (location dependent rule)
.Telling everyone about your interesting recipes for Draff
.Being Scottish
.Not being Scottish
.Showing everyone photos of the amazing bottles you didn’t bother to bring along
5: Whisky Festivals can be dangerous, always remember to bring a rucksack with enough water for 4 days. 16 hotdogs. A small bar of nauseatingly posh chocolate made with sea salt or Moroccan chili flakes or Condor tears. A large notepad which you tire of recording tasting notes in after 15 minutes. 37 pens. A ball of strong elastic bands, enough to suspend 4 bottles of Ardbeg Mor from a Chinook Helicopter. A small stack of kindling and tinder box. 3 family size packs of Kleenex Tissues to mop the sweat from your brow throughout the course of the festival. 1 extra strong condom, in case you drink enough whisky that you feel like experimenting. 
6: Food is now served at most festivals after the dark days of Glasgow 2005 and ‘Chundergate’. 
7: You will meet an intriguing variety of people at whisky festivals from many walks of life who will delight in discussing whisky with you. Do not let this fact delude you into thinking that your opinions are of value at other times and locations out with the festival boundaries. 
8: If you encounter Jasper Clementine of Whisybling.com at a festival remember that other people want to have their photo taken with him as well so please be quick and try not to gush all over his feet like a slavering thirteen year old girl attempting to mate with Harry Styles from One Direction.
(sub point) Jasper Clementine’s movements throughout Europe in summer can be accurately tracked by photos of him on the Malt Maniac’s facebbook page sporting a crow-barred on smile and a thousand yard stare next to some over-excited, weeping middle aged man clutching a bottle of Speyburn.
Just keep it to yourself!

Just keep it to yourself ok!

9: You are statistically unlikely to die a horrific and agonizing death at a whisky festival. It is however recommended that you draw up a will before attending. 
10: Above all else Whisky Festivals are a time of joy, sharing, passion, knowledge, fun, friendship and great memories. 
11: You have to enjoy whisky for point number 10 to apply. If you do not they are a simmering circle of blether-tinged, sweat inducing hell that will bring you as much joy as an epileptic dragon riding a nest of hornets up your left nostril. 

 

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JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!

The continuing row over the merits and detractions of No Age Statement (NAS) whiskies today finally reached ‘Scottish Independence Referendum’ levels of utter tedium as yet more secondary tier, industry flunkies accused anyone who dared to voice criticism of NAS whiskies of being hopeless amateur idiots who had no idea about proper whisky things and should just keep their silly, ignorant mouths shut.

Barry Compost, head of the ‘Blended Together’ campaign that supports NAS whiskies said whilst drinking Macallan Gold through a straw from a bucket:

“I’m sick of all these fucking people banging on about how ‘age’ or ‘maturity’ are somehow important to whisky. I tasted Glengoyne 40 year old yesterday and it was exactly like a 10 year old Glenmorangie, in fact, if you drink them side by side, upside down in some pulsing nightclub hellhole then it’s incredibly difficult to tell them apart. All these idiots who go on and on about how NAS whiskies are potentially misleading or a cynical excuse to charge more money for something younger, cheaper and easier to produce are just rank amateurs with zero comprehension of how the modern whisky industry works. Just because part of my income rests upon me saying all the nice things that the industry wants/tells me to say, it has no impact on my impartial and rock solid independent stance on these matters!”

'I can't believe it's not NAS'

‘I can’t believe it’s not NAS’

Tom Simonson, a part-time, self-confessed whisky commentator and head of the NO campaign against NAS whiskies said:

“I don’t work in the industry but I have tried a LOT of whiskies of all kinds of ages, cask types, eras and distilleries and I find that the greatest whiskies exhibit a degree of balance and complexity with numerous tertiary aromas and characteristics that just cannot be derived from anything except real maturity in a good cask. There are terrific whiskies at 5, 8 and 10 years of age but these tend to be the exceptions rather than the rule. I find the best whiskies tend to be aged between 12-25 years, I don’t want to drink old whisky all the time, nor am I deluded enough to think that is possible, some are far too old indeed, but I like good whisky, I want to taste distillery character and maturity in harmony. I don’t dislike NAS whiskies, I think the basic concept can lead to great experimentation and potentially great drams, Aberlour A’bunadh, Balvenie Tun 1401, Ardbeg Uigeadail, these are all great, but their greatness lies in skilful use of mature stock in balance with the vibrancy of some younger casks. It’s sad that so many companies are increasingly relying on NAS to use young spirits brought up to speed with over-excessive wood technology that lack subtlety and elegance and is really a cynical way to sell an inferior product at a higher price. Of course it’s not all of them, but it is an increasing trend. It seems to me that with whisky, as with all things in life, the key is balance, as is the case with this argument, there is no clear cut definite answer over NAS whiskies, they have positives and detractors like all things, we should celebrate the great ones and lament the ones that do whisky a disservice. But then what do I know, I don’t get paid by the industry to create second tier, falsely independent commentary on a paid for brand platform masquerading as a blog, I’m just an amateur.” 

The row about NAS whiskies is anticipated to intensify over the next few months until everyone votes to have all participants from both sides lured into a vat of Loch Dhu by Scarlett Johansson from whence their pickled brains will be harvested to make a rudimentary soil fertiliser used to grow a special strain of barley which will form the basis of a new NAS Bruichladdich Valinch in anywhere from 3-11 years time.

That last bit is only funny if you've seen Under The Skin, which is in cinemas now so you've no excuse.

That last bit is only funny if you’ve seen Under The Skin, which is in cinemas now so you’ve no excuse.

 

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Everything is about to change.

Everything is about to change.

Recent speculations about a change of editorship for Whisky Magazine were confirmed last night when it was revealed at a press conference that Adam Sandler would be taking the reigns from current master content churner Rob Allanson. Speaking with a quiet voice, weighted by the untethered anguish of relentless torment and  eyes deadened by the hollow refrain of wasted years that cast their sorrow against the distant pit of some unseen slow demise, Mr Allanson said:

“It’s great to be handing over to Adam, I hope he can bring the same enthusiasm to the magazine as he has done to his movies that we’ve all known and loved for so many years. Now where did I leave my service revolver…” 

It's a surprisingly demanding job.

It’s a surprisingly demanding job.

This move follows months of speculation about the future of Whisky Magazine after it became apparent that 50 percent of the content had been written by a teenager called Crispin Munch who lives in a bungalow in Dorset. While the rest was mostly comprised of advertisements for the very things that were being written about. Continuing with a tender sip of lukewarm tea, the trembles of which belied the shattered remnants of a tattered soul, Rob Allanson said:

“The decision to go doesn’t come lightly. But to be honest it’s been very difficult, keeping up with the demands of the magazine. The companies that advertise all demand content, but its very hard to provide positive content about everyone, especially when other companies are demanding negative content about the company that is only just over the page from them. It’s like living in a world of contradictions, all my writers bailed on me months ago, it’s just been me and Crispin for the past year, forging ahead, attempting to keep ourselves above it all. And most of the time he just plays GTA five and eats Quavers. It’s so hard to write this magazine, there are more contradictions in here than the Bible. It’s maddening. Obviously though when I say ‘Bible’ I mean ‘The Bible’, the Jesus one not the whisky one. God, that would be ridiculous, we’re nowhere near that shit!” 

Whiskymag HQ

Whiskymag HQ

Adam Sandler’s appointment as editor has been hailed as ‘completely obvious’ by numerous whisky commentators. Mr Sandler was unavailable for comment at the press conference as he was shooting his latest film, ‘Chunderhorse’. An outrageous political comedy in which Sandler plays Burt Onontrent, a typical American everyman who is struck by lightening while sexually healing a sick pony and develops the power to make anyone he touches vomit instantly. He then accidentally provokes world war 3 by inadvertently hi-fiving the US president at an Iranian peace summit. Hilarity ensues as Burt must race against time to help get the Iranian ambassador’s suit dry cleaned before the outbreak of all out nuclear war. Co-starring Danny Dyer as the US President and Helen Mirren as Kofia Annan. The film has been described by Sandler as ‘autobiographical’.

Body doubles were used for the more intimate scenes.

Body doubles were used for the more intimate scenes.

At the Whisky Mag press conference a spokesman for Adam said:

“Adam is really looking forward to bringing the same meticulous integrity to his venture with whisky magazine as he has to all his feature films. He has many new ideas and initiatives he will be instigating such as the new regular feature ‘Tasting Room Bum Bonanza’, a panel of notorious and upstanding whisky experts will be asked to sit and analyse incredible, legendary whiskies while Adam farts obnoxiously in the corner for no apparent reason. Instead of in-depth, and frankly boring and repetitive interviews, there will now be a segment where Adam sits down with a well respected whisky personality for an interview only to savagely wrestle them to the floor without warning, their cries of surprise and increasing anger will be meticulously reported and once the wrestle is finished the vanquished whisky personality will select the whisky bottle they would most like to smash over Adams stupid fucking face. The first edition features a thrilling blow by blow account of Adam’s forty five minute struggle to pin Dave Broom to a shag carpet. Don’t miss Dave’s monumental, vengeful retaliation with an Ardbeg Mor 1st edition (bottle number 304). Most exciting of all will be the regular competition ‘Bottle Cockle’, each issue a lucky reader will be presented with seventy bottles of Loch Dhu in a locked concrete bunker and only be allowed out once they successfully identify which bottle Adam has dangled his penis in, they have three attempts and one hour to get it right before all the bottles explode.”

It's in a beautiful location too.

It’s in a beautiful location too.

Adam Sandler is scheduled to take over the next issue of Whiskymag as of this month. Speaking to whiskysponge journalists over the phone from the set of Chunderhorse he said:

“I’m completely excited. You guys will love what I’ve cooked up for you all. I’m going to get started right away with my first feature, it’s called Wanking For Whisky, basically I travel round the whisky festivals of the world with a bottle of Bowmore Bouquet and a camera goading impoverished whisky lovers to perform extreme and demeaning sex acts with the promise of the Bowmore. The funniest bit is that the bottle is just full of Drumguish. I’ve already arranged a meeting with some guy called Joshua at Whisky Live New York.  He seems really keen, you should see some of the pictures he already sent me, I never even knew Bell’s Decanters were so versatile.” 

They can still surprise you even after all these years.

They can still surprise you even after all these years.

 

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Brian May loves Whisky Blogging

Brian May loves Whisky Blogging

Recent rumours in the press and facebook speculation was confirmed this morning when Dick Tomahawk, the Scottish Government’s Deputy Minister in charge of thinking up stuff to take the electorate’s mind of things that are actually important and should be properly debated said:

“The extent to which whisky bloggers have been allowed to flourish in this country and wider parts of the UK has grown to an unacceptable level. If we don’t act now the consequences for our society, urban and rural areas, our precious natural habitats and the internet could be quite severe.”

Speaking though the medium of voiceover David Attenborough, an absolute bloody legend, said:

“The modern whisky blogger is an increasingly common sight in the UK. In recent years advancements in technology have allowed them to flourish. Notable for their pale skin, sarcastic demeanour and chronic difficulty in securing a mate, they have traditionally been confined to the world of the internet. However recent explosions in their population suggest that they may have learned how to not only breed with each other, but also to ‘network’ via the process of attending communal whisky shows and talking for interminable periods of time online about all kinds of utter, inconsequential bollocks. The males are noted for their pallid demeanour, ‘ironic’ t-shirts and Trotskyesque facial hair. The females are usually identified though being surrounded by a much larger group of these males, or ‘hangers on’ as they are often known.” 

David Attenborough seen here with the writer of sniffmyglass.org.

David Attenborough seen here with the writer of sniffmyglass.org.

With the cull, codenamed ‘Operation Bung Stuffer’, set to begin in mid-November to try and prevent an avalanche of ‘christmas whisky recommendation’ blogs from ravaging the internet, specialist operatives from the armed wing of the Scotch Whisky Arseociation have been convened to come up with the cheapest, easiest and most painful way of killing whisky bloggers. Speaking while driving and irresponsibly attempting to simultaneously adjust his satnav, Gregor Cornonthecob, professional blogger eliminator said:

“The first wave of culls will be simple. We’ve been secretly marketing a low-key, dangerously hip new whisky festival for the past few months, virtually every blogger we could find has been invited with a ‘complimentary’ VIP pass to the event with some sort of slavering cover letter buttering them up like Maria Schneider in Last Tango In Paris, pretty much all the ball-licking, arse-fondling shite these guys find utterly irresistible. Once we’ve got them in the venue we’ll simply gas them all with BLOG-KILL, its my own recipe, it’s basically a vaporised form of Loch Dhu, 1980s Edradour, Loch Ewe new make and a few drops of 1964 Bowmore in there just to prolong the death process, without the Bowmore it works too quickly. We had to adjust the recipe as the test batch we secretly unleashed at Whisky Live Svalbard was only partially effective, apparently some of these Bloggers are so inexperienced they actually think Loch Dhu is good.” 

Reaction to the news however has been mixed with some people in the whisky industry decrying the cull as a ‘marketing disaster’. Crispin Merrytrouser, a floaty-headed, dunderthicket with the complexion of a forgotten teabag who says things for Dayglo Retard on occasion said:

“We deplore this cull as a barbaric, inhumane and devastating affront to the very foundations of marketing itself. Do you have any idea how much free PR we’ve been able to wring out of these suckers for the past decade. We wobble a few carrots before their eyes in the form of some free whisky samples and the vague mention of something about a job and they just write tons of stuff about how great we and our whiskies are. Seriously it’s been great, and now you want to spoil all this, it’s disgraceful.” 

Moonbeam Sunchild, a total fucking hippy and activist for Greenpiece, the organisation that promotes the eating of mouldy sandwiches, said:

“Don’t kill the bloggers man, they’re just like us, can’t you see we’re all one spirit and when you like, screw with that spirit then everything is like totally baaad neeeews man! It’s like taking a really perfect and beautiful Port Ellen and then like finishing it in a Burgundy cask or some shit like that….what….they already did that…..fuck man….oh well, I suppose if they did that then we might as well kill a few bloggers.” 

Phil Level, a quivering knot of spiteful hate from Moffat said:

“I’ll do it, I’ll do it all, where’s my scythe, bring me my fucking scythe, I’ll kill every last one of them….”

Cleaves Bloggers with surprising fluidity.

Cleaves Bloggers with surprising fluidity.

Chester Pondstubble, a blogger from Edinburgh who writes the blog upmynose.com said:

“I don’t understand, what’s wrong with whisky blogging? Aren’t we just all contributing to the wider fabric of human interaction and understanding, another stitch in the great quilt of creativity that comforts us all in our darkest hours. Isn’t it another voice, speaking in harmony within the global choir of whisky knowledge, giving, loving and understanding, processing the information for those less fortunate…..yeah ok, I deserve to die.” 

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