It was announced this morning that Whisky is no longer to be made available to normal people. After studies – and just looking at the internet – have consistently shown that consumers have had an almost exclusively negative effect on Whisky, it has been subsequently widely restricted.
Professor Hieronymus Porsche, Head Of Whisky, said:
“It’s been going on too long. All these people getting ‘into’ whisky and ruining it by wilfully buying it. Talking about it ‘online’ and doing things like trying to sell it in auctions for a profit. It’s really spoiled everything. The fact that the companies that make it are now constantly clamouring for more and more people to ‘get into’ whisky just goes to show the extent of the problem. More people enjoying and buying whisky is precisely what is wrong with the drink today. It has been exactly the source of its ruination. As a result, starting today, we’re going back to about 1968 when malt whisky was largely restricted to poets, jolly businessmen, school marms and debonaire young novelists.”
The Scottish Government will later today publish a list of social groups and individuals still allowed to buy and enjoy Scotch whisky. An early copy of which has been leaked to Whiskysponge:
Poets (Irish and Scottish ones only – others by application of tortured verse)
Working Class theatre directors and Ken Loach
Teachers who are a bit like Michael Caine in Educating Rita
‘Nice’ Tories like Ken Clarke or the comedy ones who are good for a laugh but who hopefully will never be allowed near government like Jacob Rees-Mogg
Grumpy people who work in Post Offices
Farmers but only those who agree to drink it while simultaneously carrying a shotgun
Brian Cox the actor
Rude, elderly barmen who would punch you in the face for even so much as talking about Cocktails
People who drive Ferrys between Scottish Islands
Proper traditional Folk musicians who have the common decency to wear cummerbunds and avoid standard tuning on a Guitar.
Journalists who take lunch between 10am-5pm
Landed gentry who get angry because their typewriter won’t connect to the wifi
People who are Mark Watt
Anyone not automatically in one of these categories will have to apply for a whisky license and demonstrate that they can enjoy it in the carefree, passionate, properly irresponsible, late-night, social fashion in which it was intended. Whiskysponge can also reveal the questionnaire they will have to complete upon application:
1: Are you Victor Brierley?
2: Are you Joel Harrison or Neil Ridley?
3: Are you Dean Callan?
4: Do you, or have you ever, described whisky as a ‘portfolio’?
5: Do you pretend to enjoy grain whisky?
6: Do you think Haig Club is acceptable if it ‘brings newbies into the category’?
7: Would you, or have you ever, described mixing a measure of whisky into a cocktail as a ‘serve’?
8: Are you able to read an Ardbeg press release without needing to do a ‘rage poo’?
9: Have you ever liked, shared, re-tweeted or hashtagged one of Diageo’s ‘Love Scotch’ things?
10: Do you own fewer than 30 bottles of Speyburn?
11: Have you ever queued for longer than 30 minutes to buy a bottle of whisky?
12: Are you able to finish a 25ml measure of Monkey Shoulder without crying?
13: Are you a German who wilfully wears tartan?
14: Are you the sort of person who describes new bottlings as ‘innovative’?
15: Are you a ‘bartender’?
Even a single ‘yes’ will result in a life ban from whisky.