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After the roaring success of Whisky Live Taiwan’s New Make Spirit masterclass with Noel Harrison and Joel Snedley – the ‘Chuckle Brothers’ of whisky – festival director Stefano Knotman has announced that next year’s festival will take place in a field in Scotland. At the time of publication the location of the field is yet to be announce but Betfred have odds of 3:1 on it taking place in Jim Murray’s personal Scottish Compost Heap just outside Musselburgh.

Mmmmmm…. Feints.

Mmmmmm…. Feints.

Speaking while crammed into a lift with fifty scantily clad Asian women specially trafficked for the occasion to help flog Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve to Taiwanese Bankers, Stefano Knotman said:

“I was totally blown away by the success of Noel & Joel’s New Make Spirit Masterclass this year. So much so that we’ve decided to just go all out balls to wind for next year’s show and just have Whisky Live Taiwan 2016 in a field in Scotland. People can chew mouthfuls of raw barley, scoop up handfuls of rain water from puddles, munch on the the hairy highland coos and as the clock strikes midnight we can indulge in the ceremonial burning of the cask. We’ll sacrifice a real live Malt Manaic inside an old refill-sherry butt to the cleansing flames of the NAS God in the sky. It would be just amazing. It would really show that age just isn’t as important as people think it is in whisky and that you can get just as much pleasure from drinking New Make Spirit or chewing on some handfuls of old draff as you can from drinking a Springbank 10 year old or a 1975 Speyburn.”

The star attractions at this year’s Whisky Live Taiwan were Noel and Joel who led the New Make Spirit ‘masterclass’. Speaking in unison like the two little girls from The Shining they told Whiskysponge:

“This is really what we’re all about. There’s nothing like the heady whiff of a New Make Spirit, everyone’s fed up with all this ageing crap, it’s totally harshing our new-whisky verve. This is the true embodiment of the brilliance of NAS. I think these people that bleat on about the NAS thing just need to get over it. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got to go and tweet gushingly at various new product launches. We are the future! Oh and please buy our book so we can stop leaving it on trains.”  

Immature, leaves a bad taste in the mouth and very much all about NAS. Also two flasks of new make spirit.

Immature, leaves a bad taste in the mouth and the embodiment of NAS. Also two flasks of new make spirit.

Phil Level, a man who stands still in the corner at Whisky Festivals and weeps like Winston Smith at the end of 1984, said:

“Well admittedly the industry has almost entirely modernised in recent decades with the instigation of centralised commercial maltings, high yielding barely strains, high-efficiency lauter mash tuns, immensely active M strain distiller’s yeast and steam heated stills with shell condensers.  But I’m sure they all taste different. I’m sure it was a fun thing and they probably do justify the use of the word ‘masterclass’. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to fire indiscriminately into crowds of pedestrians with this AK47.”

Come dram with us…forever…and ever…and ever…

Come dram with us…forever…and ever…and ever…

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With the whisky industry grappling with the fast paced and ever evolving modern world in an increasingly ungainly and haphazard fashion – not unlike a drunken homeless man wrestling with a large angry pig – there are some fascinating and unusually difficult to believe developments afoot in 2015.

It's a visual metaphor.

It’s a visual metaphor.

January

Loch Lomond distillery releases long awaited Croftengea ‘Isotope’. A special radiation-themed NAS edition produced using barley grown at Sellafield. Distillery manager Edwin Custard said through one of his seven mouths “It’s a remarkable product and we’re all very proud. Kevin the distillery cat can leap directly through walls now. And it’s quite easy to find in the dark.”

First dedicated Ardbeg release of 2015 ‘Ardbrogue’ hits shelves in the Distillery’s bicentennial year. Ardbrogue comes in a dedicated shoebox presentation case with bespoke leather fixtures, a special Ardbeg-branded manure removal spike and brown glass nosing shoe. The release comes with the typically nauseating tagline: “Come take a smoky tip-toe through the peat beds with us in our historic year”. The whisky comes from the same random cask, age non-specific vat that they used to make Ardbog, Ardbeg Day, Kildalton, Rollercoaster, Auriverdes and Corryvreckan. Everyone complains about it while simultaneously desperately seeking a full case like Indiana Jones looking for the antidote in the opening scene from The Temple Of Doom.

Give me the ARDBEG!

Give me the ARDBEG!

February

Diageo releases a special app that allows angry single malt nerds to wake Nick Morgan up in the middle of the night with loud, self-righteous questions about caramel and why Haig Club isn’t a 1966 Glenlochy instead of a grain.

Whisky Magazine accidentally prints an article criticising Talisker Storm. The following issue is a 137 page apology.

Dangerous increase in number of novelty releases aimed at cashing in on Valentine’s Day is matched by annual rise in number of jokes on Malt Maniacs’ forum about ‘Valentin’s Day’.

March

Jeanette Krankie becomes new face of Auchentoshan leading to the sharpest drop in sales since Ian McGollum once drunkenly admitted to dipping his testicles into every 32nd cask to leave the filling store.

Noel Harrison and Joel Snedley launch new TV series on Sky Hipster. ‘New Age Statement’ follows Noel and Joel on their escapades as they travel the length and breadth of Shoreditch drinking traditional Diageo products and recounting tales of their days working as stunt doubles on the latter-day series of The Chuckle Brothers. Don’t miss episode three where Noel is devastated after he accidentally leaves home without his polkadot riding cravat and Joel, realising his best chum doesn’t possess the correct dress code, has to try and get them both into the new trendy nightclub – Twilight Moussakka – by sheer ingenuity. Eventually the doorman agrees to let them in if Joel will stop giving away free copies of their books to passers by. Directed by Darius from Pop Idol. Featuring music composed by Noel on his 1968 Mk IV Mellotron with additional whistling by Joel.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

April

Jasper Clementine is exposed for accepting bribes from private collectors to publish low scores for old bottlings on whiskybling.com. Jaspergate carries on for several months involving seven lawsuits, thirty seven ticketed tastings and the publication of at least three tell-all biographies.

Owing to an increasing glut of single grain whiskies and diminishing amount of single malts on the market, the Malt Manaics change their name to the Cereal Killers.

Jude Law watches that advert for Johnnie Walker Blue Label that featured him gibbering on a yacht and dancing like a pillock and publicly commits suicide as a result.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

May

Ardbeg and Laphroaig celebrate their Bicentenaries at the 2015 Feis Queue on Islay. Laphroaig unveil a brand new visitor experience where visitors to the distillery can be locked in an active kiln without breathing apparatus and not be allowed out unit they have eaten a large bowl of the drying malt and three whole bricks of peat. Anyone that makes it out without pleading and banging on the kiln door like a spluttering ball of cancer will be given the opportunity to buy a bottle of the special festival edition Laphroaig Carcinogen. Meanwhile Professor Jill Bumsden appears on the Graham Norton chat show and unveils jokes that many in the media describe as ‘older and more offensive than Prince Philip’.

Queue watchers beginning to appear at Islay Festival.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

June

Glenlivet distillery begins exponential expansion of production which is matched by exponential decline in visitor centre hospitality. The skill of making whisky that tastes like depressed grass is honed to a fine art.

Ailing micro-distillery Abhainn Dearg on the Isle Of Lewis attempts to boost its fortunes with the launch of officially branded selfie-sticks.

Jim Sweep is hospitalised after attempting to operate an espresso machine while under the influence of several gallons of  Pina Colada.

July

M$rcin Mi$$er, head of Number One Drinks sells his last cask of Karuizawa and reveals from a massive cage full of money on board his all powerful sky blimp that there never was such a whisky as Karuizawa and all the casks he’s been selling for gazillions over the past decade have been cask strength Bovril he’s been re-distilling in his shed in Norfolk.

‘Tropicana’, an epic four hour long biopic of Bessie Williamson is released in cinemas world wide. Tropicana is directed by Peter Jackson with an estimated budget of $250 million and featuring an incredible motion capture performance from Andy Serkis in the lead role of Bessie. Described by Peter Bradshaw in the Guardian as “…a completely unashamed orgie of direct fired distilling, deep cut peat burning on explicitly shot traditional floor maltings with glaringly naked wooden washbacks slowly fermenting throughout. I exited the cinema feeling as though I had been swathed in Umbongo and Lilt by a hebridean chemical wizard.” The Daily Mail described the summer blockbuster as “…better than that communist, pinko filth The Angels Share but not as good as Taken 3.” Tropicana also stars Hayley Joel Osment as a young John Campbell and Samuel L Jackson as Marcel Van Gills.

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

August

To celebrate over 600 videos and reviews posted online, a special back to back screening of all Ralfy’s vlogs is arranged by Scottish Screen. A plaque is erected three weeks later to commemorate those who died during the event.

Jan Birch, Speyburn’s inter-galactic brand soothsayer and gatekeeper of the world renowned Drumnadrochit Gay Highland Resort, is finally promoted to distillery manager. He immediately marshals his workforce and begins an aggressive military campaign against all other distilleries in the Speyside area. Within a fortnight Glen Grant, Glenrothes, Macallan and Strathisla have all fallen, been renamed Speyburn and have quadrupled their production capacity. The Spey Hordes are eventually driven back by the Allied Distillers who unite to defeat Jan Birch’s unquenchable thirst for Speyrian Supremacy. He receives a written disciplinary from Inver House Distillers the following week.

September

Dominique Miraclegrow accidentally becomes leader of UKIP.

All Scottish ‘craft distilleries’ decide that their production processes are so identical that they can safely have a nice game of musical distilleries.

Whyte & MacKay is finally sold to Monsanto provided that Dalmore not be included in the sale on ethical grounds.

October

All the bottlings of Hanyu and Karuizawa bottled in those comedy neckless decanters that people were paying over £1000 a bottle for throughout the past two years are starting to evaporate at an alarming rate.

BIlly Walker confirms he fucking hates Benriach as the latest batch of single casks once again reveals perfectly delicious mature single malts that have been mercilessly butchered to death in some fetid and pointless wine casks like unwanted, mewing kittens tossed into a lake in a stone laden cloth sack. This latest batch of once beautiful whiskies features Shiraz, Tobasco, Irn Bru, Ice Wine, Chardonnay, Vodka and Smoked Twiglet finishes.

November

Dark Molesty performs an eighteen hour live version of Whiskyshaft direct from his bedroom featuring interviews with fictional whisky characters in his head and a thirty seven minute segment of him screaming furiously at an old snow globe demanding it answer his questions about the merits of wheat in the Buffalo Trace mashbill. The episode features at least five instances of Dark rendering himself accidentally unconscious, one of hour of live weaving and a particularly sinister segment where Dark simply eats his way through forty eight old Ardbeg Committee newsletters while providing live tasting notes. The March 2004 issue scores 94/100. The programme is listened to by almost nine people.

Diageo announces the 2015 Special Releases and their accompanying price tags:

Lagavulin 12 year old : £90

Caol Ila Bawsack Unpeated NAS : £85

Brora 37 year old : £1950

Port Ellen 35 year old 15th Release : £2300

Mannochmore 22 year old rejuvenated european oak hogsheads : £350

Talisker Hurricane NAS 63.8% : £675

Glenkinchie 28 year old Cognac double matured : £480

Singleton Of Dufftown 12 year old finished in the empty casks of 1960 Malt Mill that were accidentally drowned in a batch of Johnnie Walker Premier five years ago : £13,000.

December

Jim Murray announces his number one whisky in the world for 2016 as a direct tie between a 1965 single cask Laphroaig and a 3 year old Luxembourgian single maize whisky matured in a 12 litre heavily charred Retsina cask in a lockup on the outskirts of Junglinster.

Oliver Kermit takes an annual trip to the UK and publishes a 37,000 word blog post about everything that is wrong with British food before completely fucking loosing it and going on a rampage with a crossbow in a Luton branch of Marks & Spencer wearing nothing but a hastily constructed Bratwurst sporran.

He didn't even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

He didn’t even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

That’s it for 2015!

Whiskysponge hopes that you all enjoy yourselves over the New Year and don’t forget to make audible your disdain for any of that ‘drink responsibly’ shit. Please also make sure you remember that whisky is a pleasant and rightly passion inspiring drink but in no way should you fall into the trap of believing this somehow gives you the right to spout ill conceived, opinion inseminated drivel on facebook or twitter about it.

If in doubt just remember that ultimately your existence and the existence of all those you have ever known or loved – all humans that will ever exist and all that they achieve – is destined to slowly fragment into an unimaginably thin scraping of photons, positrons, neutrinos and electrons across the vast universal toast of eternity.

So stop getting all worked up about NAS and just enjoy a cuddle or a log fire.

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Struggling to think of something to stock up the drinks cabinet with at the last minute or looking for a present that delivers maximum impression of thoughtfulness with minimum actual care or effort? Whiskysponge managed to get busy used car salesman and internationally renowned whisky collector Giuseppe Linguini to poke his head out from under the bonnet of an old Fiat Uno for five minutes to give us his top whisky picks for Christmas.

Special whisky for to make vegetables in face

Special whisky for to make vegetables in face

1: Edradour Natural Cask Strength

Colours: Darkish, like mudguard of old Vovlo in forest.

Noses: Deep suggestions of farty darkness. Like quantums of soil in old toilet bin made with dead fruit. Like end of level boss in Sonic Hedgehog except boss is over-cooked brussel sprout. Stabbings in face of sherry nose, rich painfulness in eyes and ears. Make loud noises in nostrils that echo far back into head. Now tiny murmurs of man cycling rubbery bicycle through face in sweaty lycra. Finally is not unpleasant smellings of jam bucket.

Tastings: ….many splutterings to prevent devolution of tonsils. Itchy teeth. Huge powerful slap in lungs of old air. Like accidental eating of third wife’s lipstick. Following with special kind of flavour from dirty martini left too often in sunshine. Stirring powerful feeling in toes, make feel like shoes are bleeding. Now saucepan of poo is shovelling into throat until all oozing out of noses and eyes. Like time of visiting vegan restaurant with lentil crazy second wife.

Finishings: Superlong, like watching Arabian Laurence with extra desert. Echoes of angry compost.

Stars Out Of 100 : 58. (Like to be waking in strange woodland at dawn with different pants)

Goodnessess: Is matching very super with Brussel Sprouts on Christmas. Is also perfecto to make people leave house and for melting icy snow on driveway.

Badnessess: Is heavily sore to drink.

Giuseppe's favourite little monster. (Apart from Emiliana from the Bunga Booty club!)

Giuseppe’s favourite little monster. (Apart from Emiliana from the Bunga Booty club!)

2: Tomatin Cu Bocan Sherry Cask

Colours: Middle of the rainbow bland.

Noses: Striking sniffings of striking matches and turfy sweaty smellings of football matches. All kinds of matches. Even things total suspicious like Giuseppe’s Tinder matches. Now avalanche of heavy smoked water. Leapings of fresh kippers with lemon faces. Now rummage in barn like with angry pig. Huge lashings of hay compote and dung eau de vie. Now softly softly like peat yoghurt on sunburn face. Like time Giuseppe is sleeping in boat that first wife is untying from pier just because Giuseppe is letting her drive for whole week of Islay Festival. Super little nostril monster!

Tastings: Claws of total peat enter brain and scratch about like trying to pick up lit cigarette while driving on autobahn. Makes for special purity of nice soreness at first before big notations of tropical porridge, dehydrated flour, curious biscuits, vintage cardboard and sautéed seaweed. Now something slightly Jewish like distant bacon. Big arrow of heavily sherried vanilla make sudden impact in throat. Like in highly flavoursome Robin Hood film (but not with Kevin Costner!!!!)

Finishings: Middle in length like final Hobbit film but with super angry ferocity. Just like third marriage.

Stars Out Of 100 : 85. (Like to be lost in nightclub with occasional disco ball)

Goodnessess: Make for perfect gift for person of middle whisky interest and useful for to make unconscious on Christmases Day.

Badnessess: Drinking bottle is making Giuseppe turn into angry monster with heavy munchies!

Haig Club

Haig Club

3: Haig Club

Colours: Massive amount of no colours. Nice to see less active wood. Giuseppe enjoy more distillate effective whisky.

Noses: Total overpower of aromas of Turkish barbers. Distinct heaviness of man smell with touchings of big wood, pine cone smoothie, smoke ice cream and old disco trousers. As we are saying in Italian: Amazeballs!

Tastings: ….. please wait….. Giuseppe is using sick toilet. Tastings of high velocity soap. Aggression of Roman Army contained in liquid of satanic death. Make soul bleed.

Finishings: Mega long time to stop throat from exploding….pleasant after taste of lemons.

Starts Out Of 100 : 24 (Almost total blackness. Like to be lost in boot of old Vauxhall Astra for weekend)

Goodnessess: Can make nice smellings for cleanings of window or gift for total enemy.

Badnessess: Is creating anaphylactic shock.

Ca Ra Van

Ca Ra Van

4: Ka Va Lan Soloist

This one is winning Malt Maniacs award. Let see if Giuseppe can be proving them wrong!

Colours: Dark and mega deceptive. Like hearts of Malt Maniacs who are still not accepting Giuseppe as member!

Noses: Smell of old prunes and rancidio. Like garage of treacherous Jasper Clementine!!!! Now big plethoras of tiny sniffings that make undeniability of complexification. Average food like daily photographs of Giuseppe’s sworn nemesisis Oliver Kermit!!! Now something sweet, like the imaginings of lost membership to fun time club of free whisky samples. Careful nosings of hoses with touches of roses delivered in poses as by someone who knows us.

Tastings: Mega intensity, like pain of rejection! Notes of anguish, despair, forlornness and touches of hiding in cupboard with tears. Salty note from crying in glass! Now excessive Wood. Just like excessive denial by the evil Keith Wood!!! But becoming again very rich, unlike Giuseppe’s soul which is devoid of richness, devoid of dear/nasty Rich Howard!!!! But actually is quite nice. Sadly.

Finishings: Long and lingering. Like aching dagger of Shakespearean betrayal in Giuseppe’s back!

Stars Out Of 100 : 90 (Like cold blinding light of day!)

Goodnessess:Quite nice whisky that is tasting megaly of Christmases.

Badnessess: Giuseppe is still not member of Malt Maniacs!

Speyburn

5: Speyburn Bradan Orach

Colours: Goldish. Like pubic hair of sexy salmon!

Noses: Massive character like big salmon leaping up spey river straight into nostrils. Total embrace of special aroma and power; like to be given physiotherapy by distillery manager himself. Big sniffings of moist water, warehouse dampness, moss flavour Angel Delight, rock and vintage playboy magazine from Netherlands. Touchings of breasts and stirrings of trousers.

Tastings: Intense and massive complexity of vanilla and cereal and vanilla and cereal. Now topping notes of vanilla with deep and intimate touchings of cereal. Total surprise flavour of vanilla out of blue behind cereal curtain. Speech robbing powers of magic salmon God whisky.

Finishings: Winding through Giuseppe’s heart like river Spey made of tarmac on which can drive Alfa Romeo with pet Salmon.

Stars Out Of 100 : 98 (like punched in eyeball by sun’s big brother. Losing 2 points for smallness of bottle size!)

Goodnessess: Is Speyburn!

Badnessess: Will be in hospital for fighting away jealous relatives.

UPDATE / BONUS: ACTUAL HAIG CLUB. Other bottle is apparently dodgy fake.

Apparently many fakes already around.

Apparently many fakes already around.

5: Actual Haig Club

Colours: Deep shade of healthy urine sample.

Noses: Thinly scented of sweaty money and vintage rice crispies. Dead weetabix with touches of David Beckham. Continuesome suggestions of variety of flammable liquids. Like worm of sweetness wriggling up through nose and into brain hole.

Tastings: Agitated cactus arrives in mouth looking for quick exit! Powerful existence in mouth, definite presence of poltergeist of angry flavour. Falls down like girly footballer after single tackle of mouth! Now making big associations of foam banana jelly and eruption of stillness in texture. Power to make cry big time!

Finishings: Disappears like genitals in winter pond!

Stars Out Of 100: 22 (Prefer fake version)

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After a spray painted advance bottle of the as yet unreleased Ardbeg Auriverdes sold at auction for £2100 the other day, leading figures at Stoat Kedgeree have announced that next time they will most likely just send out money and cut out the middle man.

It's all about balls apparently.

A load of balls. Befitting of the World Cup. 

Speaking while attempting to fit into her old netball leotard, Professor Jill Bumsden, head of getting wood at Stoat Kedgeree, said:

“We put this bottle together with the world cup in mind, obviously we knew when we sent out these advance bottles to bloggers who don’t earn a lot of money that some of them would immediately sell them at auction. It was quite fitting really as we wanted to give them something that would reflect footballers bling lifestyles of high income coupled with soulless, post-modern tat. Although to be honest next time we’ll probably just send them a large wad of cash. I was up all night with the masking tape and the spay paint doing those bottles.” 

Runcible Lichtenstein, a spittle flecking shard of pure evil and head of marketing for Stoat Kedgeree said:

“There have been a lot of rumours about how pissed off everyone at Ardbeg is about this whole debacle. Everyone is talking about our brand and giving the new bottling a lot of attention ahead of it’s release so it’s obviously been a complete failure from a marketing perspective and we’re all really annoyed.” 

Heindrick Von Gasbag, a really fucking irritating opinion secretion unit who dwells eternally on the Malt Maniacs forum on Facebook typed:

“This is shocking, what’s the world coming to, it’s an absolute disgrace, this is the reason why I now only collect Speyburn. They should obviously track down the seller and have them hunted through the woods by squadrons of dragoons armed with rapiers and hounds. They should have followed my previous suggestion that I post at length whenever this happens that every bottle should be fitted with secret audio visual recording capabilities so the culprit can be dragged before the whisky world for a trial by facebook. That or why don’t they just send out unsealed plain samples for the bloggers to review. It’s almost as if they’re inviting publicity or something. If only they’d come to me first this whole thing could have been avoided. And don’t get me started on these auction houses, they’re all as bad as each other, the prices are ridiculous, how dare they sell bottles that I can’t afford. Every bottle should be £50. I remember the good old days when all Ardbegs were distilled in the 1970s and priced sensibly at around £60 for a single cask. Now these utterly shameless auctioneers are selling these bottles to people with far more money that me, it’s outrageous! This new bottling is a disgrace, the company is a disgrace, the bloggers are a disgrace, the auction houses are a disgrace, everyone is a total bloody disgrace. And now I’ve gone and made a mess in my trousers because I got too overexcited and had to eat a jar of Nutella. What’s more I hear it’s quite disappointing compared with the Ardbog.” 

Careful now...

Careful now…

Shane Flump, a financially struggling media student from London with a passing interest in whisky and a vague ability to string two sentences together, writer of the blog http://www.throughthebunghole.net, said:

“Seriously?! What the fuck do you expect…? Anyway, I’m off out to buy a £2000 block of cannabis that I can sell to my roommates for mega profit over the course of the next term. #faultlessplanbitches.” 

Jill Bumsden added while draping herself sensually across two large sherry puncheons:

“I think next year’s bottling may well be Ardbid.” 

 

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A new poll by the Scotch Whisky Arseociation has revealed that an increasing number of casual whisky consumption units have successfully brainwashed themselves into enjoying grain whiskies. Derek Bleak, head of sad-eyed revelations at the SWA, said while gazing mournfully out of his office window at a once proud but now solitary and dying beech tree, eking out its final years through the asphalt belly of an Edinburgh car park:

“Apparently there are people who enjoy whisky that tastes like fake banana foam washed down with sawdust liqueur. I had some of those really old Clan Denny things and they were alright I suppose, but then I tried a 12 year old Girvan. It was like drinking angry little goblins armed with hot pickaxes.” 

So far the trend has not reached epidemic levels, the SWA has identified it as being mainly confined to whisky geek types 1 and 2. Usually classed as those who see fit to post pictures of Speyburn 12 year old on the Malt Maniacs facebook page with the tagline ‘My Collection’.

A very rare rotation for the Ethiopian market.

A very rare rotation for the Ethiopian market.

This worrying new trend was controversially egged on recently by comments from William Grant & Son’s Beat Master Da8id ‘Phat Vat’ St3wart who, whilst speaking to the Scotch Default Whisky Society’s in-house magazine Unfettered, had this to say about grain whiskies:

“I luv grain whisky right, it’s like, well wicked, speakin personally right, as like, a blender n shit, I can lay dow a massive fat vibe with a low streak of grain, everyone is like ‘single malts fuck yeah’ right, but I’m like, check this one guv, it’s a grain innit, it’s full of funky flavour, like you gotta think of dem malts as like a rich trance beat but without dat grainy drum n bass underneath then you got zero moves like. Lota time, like, in da summer n shit I have ma home boys come on at me like ‘Da8id, try some of that 40 year old Balvenie, it is like pussy honey yo!’ an I’m like ‘cool bruv, I don’t need no aged single malt, it’s like 15 degrees out, it be Scottish style hot yo, pour me like a whole fist of sweet grain on ice baby’. Anyway, this has absolutely nothing to do with our new, very reasonably priced, expression of Girvan…check dat shit yo!” 

Da8id 'Phat Vat' St3wart leading a tasting earlier this month. Seen here spinning one of his most popular whiskies 'Doublewood Deconstruction'.

Da8id ‘Phat Vat’ St3wart leading a tasting earlier this month. Seen here spinning one of his most popular whiskies ‘Doublewood Deconstruction’.

Freddie ‘Kruger’ Laing, the evil mastermind behind Douglas Laing said while looking wistfully over one of his company’s price lists from 2002:

“I remember when we used to sell Brora 1970 for £80 a bottle…I liked those days.”

Ronnie McSpillin, a stress saturated brand ambassador for Jelly Brothers & Scudd said while simultaneously crushing two stress balls in each hand:

“We’ve just bottled a new 12 year old Invergordon, it’s really great, it gets those really thick chunks of grease and dirt of my bicycle chain, sometimes methylated spirits just aren’t enough. I’ve got forty five cases to shift by March. I might just shop it around branches of Halfords, tastings seem like a dangerous option.” 

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This is the teaser poster for the show.

This is the poster for the show.

A teaser trailer for a new, as yet unnamed, US based sitcom about whisky investment has garnered overwhelming praise for its blend of cringe-comedy, outrageous surrealism and outlandish characterisation. The trailer, which runs for a mere 2.16 minutes, has been sufficient to hook in thousands of whisky fans with many clamouring for news of when the full series will be available on Netflicks. It features the main character of Nicholas Pollacchi, a blithering Scottish haircut who oils his way around three pointless whiskies like a deep fried kilt while delivering outrageously hilarious dialogue to a couple of woodstained condoms full of wax. Writing in his gushing review on whiskybling.com, Jasper Clementine said:

“Who is writing this dialogue? At one point the lead character states that he foresees this ex-Duncan Taylor cask of Glenrothes that comes in some kind of disabled glitter ball as being ‘worth thirty to forty thousand dollars in ten years time’. This is beyond even the giddy heights of my all time favourite sitcom Allo Allo, did they get Aaron Sorkin to write it?” 

The series has been commissioned and produced as a co-production by Shedrington Distillers and The Glenrothes, it is due to be unleashed sometime in the new year. Written by Mandy Sampsung of Whisky Highland it stars an unidentified, terrifying Scottish manchild as leading character Nicholas Pollacchi. Michael Palin as his arch nemesis Dr Nick Morgan, Samuel L Jackson as the mysterious Professor Jill Bumsden and Hodor from Game Of Thrones as the mighty George Grant. It will be directed by Danny Dyer with original music by Susan Boyle based on random melodies hummed by all the idiots on facetube who describe bottles in their cupboard as a ‘portfolio’.

Get tae fuck!

Get tae fuck!

Speaking after viewing the trailer between intense bouts of online pornography Victoria Shagging Barlfy, the human equivalent of the ’50 monkeys at a typewriter’ hypothesis but without the Shakespeare bit, said while wiping a sheen of sweat from her forehead with a tissue of questionable hygiene:

“What an interesting looking drama, I must watch it, how thought provoking. Now where did I leave that well thumbed copy of ‘101 Opinions To Contradict Before You Get A Massive Punch In The Face’ ?”

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It was made apparent last night when Malt Major Oliver Kermit removed all the photos of whisky bottles with a market value less £40 and their attached conversations. He described the result to Whiskysponge over the phone from his secret underground salmon farm:

“Basically when we took away all the boring photos of random bottles people had just brought home from the supermarket we were left with about six posts, three of which were about the forums rules and regulations while the others were a massive debate about scoring that ran to about 170 comments and two really long threads that banged on and on about Blow Hairman and World Whisky Day. I’ve made a graph of the whole thing and put it up on by blog.”

It's like this only underground.

It’s like this only underground.

The Malt Maniacs’ ‘Nerdmastergeneral in charge of all the techy shit’ Noel Howard said:

“It’s a very tricky problem, one that I’m really struggling to fix. I can’t monitor each photo as it gets posted, I have to maintain some kind of semblance of having a real job. I mean the simplest solution would be to just ban people for sharing really fucking dull photos, although people may complain if we did that. I’m of the opinion that we should transform it into some sort of complex tiered whisky forum where you can only move up a level if the bottles you post are of sufficient rarity and unusualness. There could also be an end of level boss that you have to sarcastically undermine in order to gain the approval of the maniacs to ascend to the next tier or level. Obviously we’d need someone no one likes for the first level, that makes it a bit easier. It’s just so hard to chose between Jim Murray and Blow Hairman.” 

Darius Gorbachev, a level 1 casual whisky consumption unit from Dorking who posted over 300 pictures to the MM forum last year and just put up a picture of a three quarters empty bottle of Glen Deveron 10yo commented with it:

“Had quite a few of this bad boy last night ‘lol’. Can anyone on here recommend a good alternative to Glen Deveron for around half the price but distilled in the 1950s?”

As of this afternoon there were over 17 comments beneath it. All from Phil Level, a turbulent and inexhaustible source of fury from Caithness who has been repeatedly typing the phrase ‘Suck My Daftmill’ under each post on the MM forum.

It's pretty tiresome after a while

It’s pretty tiresome after a while

Noel Howard added:

“I think if anyone achieves level five it will have to involve a bottle of Malt Mill or something like that and they have to have a lengthy discussion with our Grand High Malt Wizard Jasper Clementine where they try and persuade him on the merits of wood technology. But we’re not expecting to get to that level any time soon. To be honest I’ve been posting a lot of these photos myself just to stir shit up. All the other maniacs bully me…” 

 

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