Another circumnavigation of the local star is complete and your puny ape-scented race has survived yet again against all odds. As such, Whiskysponge feels it is time to dole out some awards to those of you in the whiskysphere who each, in your own way, contributed slightly to the inevitable downfall of your species.
1: The ‘Outstanding Achievement In Highlighting Everything That’s Wrong With Modern Whisky Marketing Award’ goes this year to….
Tomatin for this piece of pure genius:
“Cù Bòcan has stalked residents of the remote Highland village of Tomatin for centuries, his legend embellished by the hellhound’s increasingly fractious behavior. Sightings are rare, once in a generation, always terrifying. A distillery worker, out walking late, was once relentlessly pursued by an imposing black beast, steam spiraling from flared nostrils, teeth bared. Compelled beyond all natural reason to feel the hound’s dense fur he stopped and reached out, hand trembling, only to see the ghostly specter – Cù Bòcan – dissolve before his eyes leaving nothing but a vacuum of deathly silence and an inky blue cloud of smoke, soon spirited away across the peat moorland…”
2: The Special Whiskysponge Award For Excellence In Filthy Jokes
Winner: Professor Jill Bumsden of Stoat Kedgeree.
Professor Jill has overseen the development of Ardbeg and Glenmorangie in the past decade with a keen eye for advanced wood technology, innovative production methodology and a veritable smogasboard of willy jokes. There was really no competition.
3: The Award For Frequently Mentioning That They’re Afraid Of Being Mentioned On Whiskysponge Without Actually Already Being Mentioned On Whiskysponge For Some Reason…
Winner: Mark Gillespie. Presenter of Whiskyshaft.
Over the past year Mark has mentioned several times of how afraid he is of being tangled up in Whiskysponge. Despite these cooing attempts at evasive flattery, Mark, for some inexplicable reason has not yet been part of our newsfeed. As a result this award is yours Mark. What do you win we hear you cry? The answer Mark, is knowledge, knowledge that your time will come, Whiskysponge will come for you Mark, maybe when you least expect it. Maybe when the ministrations of time and liquid legions of free whisky have dulled your senses as you sit in comfort by the fire, the dark tendrils of night fusing with its waning flicker and lapping at the edges of your ebbing thoughts. It will happen, there is no safe haven and no respite, your prize is this knowledge, one day Mark…one day. That and a t-shirt. Congratulations.
4: The ‘Macallan’ Award For Being Far Too Easy To Poke Fun At
Goes again to Macallan this year
5: Bland Ambassador Of The Year
Winner: Mark Watt of Cadenhead for his work masterminding their excellent new range of bottlings that really stole the show this year while at the same time staying awake for 287 straight days wearing full camouflage.
6: Blonde Ambassador Of The Year
Winner: Georgie Bell of the Scotch Malt Whisky Society
7: Best Supporting Ambassador
Winner: Rachel Barrie for filling in for Iain McGollum while he was having a wee cry.
8: Award For New Distillery That Sounds Like A Breakfast Cereal
Winner: Gartbreck Distillery. Islay. The ‘full fibre’ single malt of the future.
9: The Whiskysponge ‘Whisky Sex Icon Of The Year’ Award
Winner: Charlie MacLean (again)
10: Special Award For Most Unexpected Career Change
Winner: Jim Murray
11: Whiskysponge Lifetime Achievement Award 2013
Winner: Blow Hairman.
Happy new year. Normal services will be resumed shortly.