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Posts Tagged ‘Master Of Malt’

A look ahead to what we can expect from next year’s Disaster Of Malt Christmas collection.

1: The Ultimate Boutique-y Advent Calendar

This rather fetching calendar measuring 2 meters in heigh, 6 meters in length and 2 inches wide is the perfect gift for anyone eager to start their advent for Christmas 2030 as soon as possible. Featuring a 25ml sample of every single Boutiquey bottling so far released. Including an extra 200 spaces towards the higher numbers so Disaster Of Malt staff can come round personally and ‘update’ the calendar as new bottlings are released. Boby Tiddler, DOM’s head of Things That Aren’t Arguing With Customers On Twitter said:

“If you start on January the 1st 2017 it will align perfectly with Brexit, Christmas Day 2030 and the first waves of devastation brought by the first World Climate War.”

Price: £29,99

2: Elf Benderson’s Big BBQ Surprise Meat Calendar. 

An advent calendar featuring dark scraps of meat chiselled from Elf Benderson’s BBQ grill. Vegan version available with just the cardboard.

Price: £19,99

3: The Stromness Advent Calendar

A calendar containing samples from 23 separate bottles of Stromness and Old Orkney. With a special dram of 7 year old North British grain for Christmas Day.

Price: £45

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Comes with a free inflatable Woman.

4: The #WhiskySanta Calendar 

A calendar containing a mix of anthrax, asbestos, cyanide and pin worms harvested from the anus of a tramp. To be sent to all the people shameless and desperate enough to beg publicly for free bottles who can’t summon the dignity and common decency to just make friends with someone who works at DOM and get a cheeky mates rates price quietly behind closed doors.

Price: Free

5: The Whiskyshaft Calendar 

A special calendar exactly the same as the normal one but with slightly smaller doors designed to trick Dark Mollesty into thinking his hands are engorging at incremental annual rates. It successfully leads him to completely lose his shit during an episode of Whiskyshaft where he starts weeping uncontrollably while attempting to thread a needle with his massive Donkey-cock fingers and dousing himself in Redbreast 12 year old.

A DOM bespoke calendar workshop production. 1 of 1.

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Like 10 albino Giraffe necks trying to head-butt their way into a crate of Scottish baby food.

6: The Kermit Calendar

A collaboration between DOM’s Elf Benderson and German meat pesterer Oliver Kermit. The two men have examined each others meat and given them a thorough lubrication with oil and a vigorous rub with a secret spice mix. Then they have carefully inserted their joints and glistening sausages into those tight little cardboard holes for you to enjoy the glory of receiving – for 24 days in a row – at the other end. *

Price: £25,99

*may contain nuts

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Likely to be a tight fit…

7: The Caruizawalinder. (personal delivery by the whisky santa only) 

A special ‘investment grade’ calendar hand delivered on a garish fork lift truck by an Absinthe-scented Whisky Santa who collects payment directly from you in cash and rubs the money all over himself before belittling your whisky collection bottle by bottle and forcing you to drink a bottle of gin through a funnel.

Price: £14,999

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Put bin liners down first if you’re going to let him sit on the furniture…

 

 

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January

Annual tombola held by all major distilling companies to decide who will get to use the following names on their bottlings this year: ‘Founder’s Reserve’. ‘Small Batch’. ‘Special Edition’. ‘Limited Batch Release’. ‘Traditional Reserve’. ‘Master Distiller’s (insert nonsense here)’.

Speyburn Distillery’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, assumes new identity and begins gap year abroad in France.

"What I do: I do for the Clan!"

“What I do: I do for the Clan!”

February

Scottish Government declares national Bell’s Decanter armistice. Anyone still hoarding/collecting these vile affronts to human civilisation to be offered free mental health treatment and special drop off points are set up across the country where people can deposit their collections. Large men from the council will be sent round to bag them up at the end of the month and have them melted down. During the armistice several men are tazered by police for suggesting that the 1988 Christmas edition is ‘worth hanging onto as it’s still hard to find’.

March

Glenlivet distillery finally completes phase three of it’s ‘Global Dominion Protocol’. The number and location of stills is now the correct amount to generate a cyclical wormhole in the Spirit Receiver. All new make spirit is sent through this intergalactic portal to another solar system in a far-flung galaxy where the unusual properties of gravity on a local planet create a time lapse whereby the spirit can age for three years in new american oak and then be returned to the re-connecting stargate in the new onsite bottling facilities. Only moments have passed on Earth but the spirit is legally whisky and sufficiently flavoured with wood extracts to be labelled as Founder’s Reserve. Sith Lord Alan Winchester said of the development:

“We had a bit of trouble at first convincing the SWA that the particular solar system several billion lightyears away was still technically Scotland, but we sent Alex Salmond through with a flag and that seemed good enough for them. It’s a bit like the film Interstellar except instead of Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway debating the universality of love inside a spaceship, it’s Ian and Jimbo arguing over which Pot Noodle to have for lunch.”

Glenlivet is made by a dedicated team of people who need a job, they drew straws to see who would have to go through the wormhole and work in the filling store. Big Kenny drew the short straw and described the experience thusly:

“It’s nae bad oan backshift like but it’s mair’n five billion parsecs away. That’s like gettin’ snarled up in Nairn oan a Friday afternoon ken!”

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the materials used, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart form that it's pretty much the same as it's always been.

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the ingredients, the casks, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart from that it’s pretty much the same as it’s always been.

April

Gaspar Noé decides to use the Limburg Whiskyfair as a key location in his new film. The film is titled ‘Blowhole’ and is a 140 minute, single shot epic set entirely in a vast gay orgy and shot in excruciating detail. The film will star Benedict Cumberbatch, Kirk Douglas, Will Ferrel and Oliver Kermit with a score by Bruce Willis. Gaspar said of the movie and his choice of location:

“The film is very much a continuation of the theme of human sexuality and cinematic honesty which I began with my previous film ‘Love’. I wanted to show the beauty and cerebral majesty of two large German bears rimming each other as if they were desperately seeking the keys to unlock them from some sort of hellish torture nightmare from one of the ‘Saw’ movies. The way whisky lovers feverishly engage with their tasting glasses in such sweaty, almost unbearable conditions really reminded me of this so I felt the Limburg Whiskyfair would be an ideal location. Also, the changes needed to make it seem like an actual gay orgy are so minimal that it is hugely beneficial to the budget. 

On casting Oliver Kermit:

“Basically I wanted a real performer, someone intimately connected with the real environment in which we were shooting and given the amount Oliver talks about ‘sausage fun’ he seemed like a natural, boundary-straddling choice. I did explicitly warn him that his role would involve large amounts of un-simulated, gay intercourse with the 99 year old Kirk Douglas but he said that was the only reason he agreed to be in it.” 

It'll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

It’ll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

May

David Beckham relinquishes his role as brand ambassador for Haig Club and is replaced by Luis Suarez.

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Diageo human shield Dr Nick Morgan welcomed the change and said:

“The bite mark means that the bottle is now five centilitres smaller than before which is not only financially lucrative but an extremely strong sales pitch as customers are far more inclined to buy one when they realise there won’t be so much whisky to drink.” 

June

Lagavulin Distillery celebrates its bicentenary despite the fact all the bottles used to state ‘founded 1742’ for many decades. As well as a special bottling featuring the names of as many past mangers as they can remember etched into the bottle, they will celebrate by discontinuing the 16 year old and replacing it with an NAS version. Whoever it is that’s managing the distillery these days said:

“We’ve already started digging the foxholes and putting up sandbags and machine gun nests.” 

July

Dark Mollesty records a special episode of Whiskyshaft in which he interviews himself. The episode is 340 minutes long and features such highlights as Dark challenging himself to a duel and the bit where he interviews himself in character as footballer and Spey ambassador Michael Owen and ends up falling in love with himself to the point where it becomes – in Dark’s own words – ‘audibly erotic’.  Also, don’t miss the final harrowing two hours where he refuses to answer one of his own questions. The episode ends when Dark performs a citizens arrest on himself after his own repeated attempts to justify scoring Johnnie Walker Gold Label 95/100.

Lets play guess the sound effect…

Lets play guess the sound effect…

August

John Glaser feels that Compass Box’s sales are hitting a bit of a slump so creates another illegal label for one of his whiskies and reports himself to the SWA again.

September

Butt Plug packaging now at critical levels in the whisky industry. Consumers have been hit throughout 2016 with releases such as Glenbungrangie, Arsebeg, the Springbungk, Bungrow and Hazelbung ‘Bungletts & Kilplugins’ series and the notorious North Plug Bungin bottled for Dubai Duty Free. Highland Park bears the brunt of the blame for their King Christian bottling. Brand ambassador Ardvark Martinhardbung said of the bottling while bench pressing an entire stow of recently filled sherry butts:

“So, it turns out people are against the whole butt plug in a box with a stupid name, no information about the liquid and a price tag of €5000 thing. To be honest, I am sympathetic. We do have other butt plug bottlings planned but I think we’ll just sit on them for the time being…” 

Apparently people think it's silly…

Apparently people think it’s silly…

October

Diageo unveils their 2016 Special Releases. The UK launch event is a 24 hour rave in a field just outside Knebworth. Highlights will be a huge marrying tun full of punch housed in an acid tent curated by Colin Dunnage and featuring some of this year’s special releases poured into a trough with Listerine, Irn Bru, Prosecco, Cherry Cola, Bovril, Cuppa Soups and Goldschlager. Invited guests will also be able to have a stab at smoking crack before trying their hand at clay pigeon shooting using bottles of Smoky Goat and Boxing Hares with Caroline Martin. The stand is called ‘Shooting Crack & Crap With Caroline’. Elsewhere at the event Dr Nick Morgan and Jim Beveridge will be handing out free poppers and Es before laying down a three hour cover of Maggot Brain and busting into an epic, all night techno battle. Jim Beveridge said of the launch event:

“As usual the most exciting bit will be the tweet deck!” 

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

November

Disaster Of Malt begin to run out of stock to re-bottle so a second subsidiary company is launched that they can pretend to have nothing to do with just like all the others. The subsidiary is called ‘The ReBoot-Iquey-Whisky-Company’ and specialises in offering extremely limited edition re-bottlings of Boutiquey whisky co bottlings. Elf Benderson, head of Disaster Of Malt (or ‘Molecule Provisions’ or whatever it says on the invoices) said:

“Now you can re-enjoy all your old favourites. Ardbeg Batch 2, Miltonduff Batch 1 and – who could forget – Macallan Batch 3!” 

The labels will be re-printed over the top of spare labels from the original bottlings and will be comprehensively illegible.

December

Serge Valentin is arrested by Interpol on charges of ‘wilful manipulation of the international Speyburn index’, ‘blatant fibbing on a whiskyblog’, ‘outrageous scoring of Speyburn on a whiskyblog’ and ‘being a bit too French’. As he is dragged kicking and screaming from his swimming pool while desperately attempting to delete his internet browsing history, Interpol agents reveal to the world’s media an unfathomably large hoard of Speyburn bottlings in the ancient catacombs of Turckheim beneath Chateau Whiskyfun. Interpol refuse to give too much away about their source but refer to their informant by the codename ‘Agent Aston’.

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

In other, completely unrelated events, Speyburn’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, returns from his gap year abroad with 70 cases of assorted vintage Riesling and Vin Jaune, a tart flambee oven, a portable alambic still, three Ducatis, the Légion d’honneur and a selection of very obscure Jazz albums. He is given a heroe’s welcome and a jeroboam of Bradan Orach.

Vengeance is sweet!

Speyburn wouldn’t melt in his mouth!

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With the recent release – amongst rather numerous others – of the Royal Salute Age Collection and William Grant’s House Of Hazelwood series, the whisky industry has collectively announced the unofficial tipping point where the packaging materials housing the whisky have begun to taste noticeably better than the liquid itself.

Hazelwank

Hazelwank

Brian Binsman, director of blurbs at William Grant said of their new releases:

“Janet Sheed Roberts is now dead so we can use her name as a sort of cover all ‘inspiration’ for pretty much any old bottling. The journey of creativity which led me to this unique series was one of sitting around clinical offices in London with young marketing executives who wouldn’t know a whisky if one farted into their cocaine. I am deeply proud of House of Hazelwood 25 year old. It has allowed us to focus people’s attention almost entirely on the label by using meaningless buzz-phases like ‘Scotch tradition’, ‘exquisitely rare blended whisky’ and – my absolute favourite – ‘the inventive artistry which Shanghai in the 1920s inspires’. Jeff in the office who came up with that one got a lot of hi-fives I can tell you!” 

Brian added while practicing his clay pigeon shooting using old selfies of Mark Thompson:

“The elegance and artistry of the House Of Hazelwood art deco design is unsurpassed and utterly delicious. Immediately you get these wonderfully rounded notes of bile rising in the back of your throat followed by intense anger, abject misery and the lingering potency of bullshit.” 

The Royal Tenenbaums

The Royal Tenenbaums

Elsewhere the new Royal Salute ‘Age Collection’ offers bankers disillusioned by the blow job they’re currently receiving from a freshly trafficked Georgian sex slave the chance to get to grips with the complex flavour of blue glass and old wood. The Global Brand Director at Royal Salute – Vladimir Putin – had this to say:

“We make nice thing for special power man. Make celebrate nice queen is old woman on throne with minimal necessity for nappy and comedy racist husband. Total impressive. Special package made by nice Badger man. Made of power wood! Taste like nice wood without the tongue splinter! Special crystal decanters made of blue. Made use special technology of ten million years ago… and computers. Made by nice English puppy dogs! Now you BUY!” 

Jasper Clementine of Whiskybling.com said:

“The samples I’ve been sent were just the empty bottles. I’ve been licking them all morning. Don’t forget to check out my notes on whiskybling tomorrow. One of them has wet dogs…” 

Elf Benderson from Disaster Of Malt said:

“We are hugely pleased to announce that we’ve just re-bottled a new Boutiquey Whisky range, it’s called the ‘Scratch ‘N’ Sniff’ series and it will be falling out from between the pages of magazines at a dentist’s waiting room near you soon.” 

Soon available as a spray.

Soon available as a handy spray.

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With many whisky lovers across the world seeking ever more interesting ways to get rid of their money, Whiskysponge has compiled this handy two part guide to the great whisky shops of the world. Well some of them anyway, if your shop is not featured in the list please don’t complain, it just means that it’s not important or well known and Whiskysponge is too lazy to do any research or actually investigate it.

In part one we’ll take a look at some of the bigger names in the world of whisky trading. In no particular order whatsoever…

The staff will tell you which end to blow in...

The staff will tell you which end to blow in…

1: The Whisky Sexchange

Where: An underground sleaze-bunker somewhere in Soho

Who: Berlinda Binge, Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton from Silence Of The Lambs.

Founded in the embryonic, dial-up days of the internet when teenage boys would wait for literally half an hour for a nipple to appear in a downloading j-peg; The Whisky Sexchange was a pioneer in the fusion of exceptional whiskies and utter hardcore filth. Now the business has expanded with an extensive new underground warehouse/showroom/dungeon, an international shipping network and one of the largest and most diverse ranges of products in the world. Buyers can indulge in everything from a 1928 Macallan with matching vintage sex toy to every edition of the ‘Jill Bumsden Annual Saucy Warehouse Calendar’, including the rare wipe-clean laminated editions. In recent years they have branched out with the launch of their own single cask personal lubricants and a range of X-rated Caol Ila single malts under the Pert Asskaig label.

Pricing: 3/5

Service: 4/5

Product Range: 5/5

Happy Finishes: 10/10

This is what can happen if you start directly at a Boutiquey label for too long.

This is what can happen if you stare directly at a Boutiquey label for too long.

2: Disaster Of Malt

Where: One of the spare bits of Englandshire

Who: Elf Benderson, Minions, Gobblins and ‘an army of web monkeys’.

Active for over 25 years, Disaster Of Malt has carved a proud niche for itself as the ‘Frank Spencer’ of whisky shops. From humble beginnings bottling many excellent single cask malts and many deeply irritating fucking miniatures. It has grown to become the world’s leading specialists in the unique fusion field of whisky, elaborate barbecue and irresponsible driving. In recent years they have made commendable strides towards their goal of sharing their passion for whisky. With a clear intention that everyone should be able to taste all the whiskies, they have come a step closer to this dream by decanting all the ones already bottled into new bottles with labels that make Slavador Dali paintings look like still life realism. With little flourishes such as a free rack of smoky-hicory barbecue ribs with every order and a range of booze-filled advent calendars available all summer, they have carved a niche for themselves as world leaders in the field of people saying ‘Oh them, they’re the ones who are a bit quirky aren’t they?’.

Pricing: 3/5

Service: 3/5 with standard delivery. 5/5 if you tick ‘include free mystery barbecue sack’

Product Range: 3/5

Hebridean based bollard eradication: 10/10

This one is clad invitingly in 'Loch Dhu Leather'

This one is clad invitingly in ‘Loch Dhu Leather’

3: La Chaise Longue Du Whisky

Where: Paris. The middle bit.

Who: Bunch of Frenchies. Possibly Thierry Henry.

Founded in 1956 as a private cafe club in which exceptionally frustrated French male artists could drink large measures of Label 5 Scotch and chain smoke while wandering around naked from the waist down tearing up their previous days paintings and having long meandering conversations with bored prostitutes. Since then it has come to resemble a whisky shop in the more traditional sense with actual bottles on actual shelves. It also features some of the most relaxing seating apparatus of any whisky shop in the world. La Chaise Longue Du Whisky are also the organisers of Whisky Live Paris, the popular spittoon festival held once a year in September. If you happen to be in Paris it is worth paying them a visit. Their opening hours are 10am – 11am and 4pm – 4.30pm.

Pricing: 3/5 Unless you are sitting down in which case 5/5

Service: 2/5 Unless you are sitting down in which case 5/5

Product Range: 4/5 Unless you are sitting down in which case 5/5

Seating facilities: 10/10

Passers by often like to pop in for a wee chuckle.

Passers by often like to pop in for a wee chuckle.

4: The Whisky Shop

Location: The slightly scummy/naff bits of most cities and anywhere they can gleam money from lazy tourists heading to the airport.

Who: Some bloke and a bunch of his flesh drones.

The only chain shop on this list, The Whisk Shop has established itself firmly at the forefront of satirical pricing structures over the past  ten years. Featuring prices often more than £10 higher than any other shop, the level of amusement they have provided to dedicated whisky enthusiasts over the years as a result has been immeasurable. Most of the stock is now housed behind glass to prevent spittle damage due to the amount of people tutting when they see the price. Much of their income is subsequently garnered from tourists who have only remembered 3 hours before their flight home that they need a Scottish souvenir of some kind. They are also the lifetime holders of the Whiskysponge award for ‘worst online whisky shop website ever’.

Pricing: 0/5

Service: 1/5

Product Range: 2/5

Comedy Value: Priceless.

 

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The 'dram' table

The ‘dram’ table

Dramboree, the Scottish language remake of Maltstock, has begun today with the congealing of agitated, sunburnt Scottish people and their whisky on the shores of Loch Lomond. Festival organiser Ronnie MacSpillin of the Grating Whisky Company said whilst hyperventilating in a porta-loo:

“We were always inspired by the idea of Maltstock, the concept that like-minded whisky lovers of all backgrounds could come together for the chance to share special bottles in a relaxed environment with a stunning backdrop and just generally wallow in their love of whisky and fine beers. So naturally we ripped it off wholesale and now I’m about to be besieged by a flock of Scots all carrying a crate of Tennent’s Lager and a litre bottle of Bell’s from the Co-Op.”

Everyone needs a special place...

Everyone needs a special place…

Ronnie’s festival co-organiser Jason De Manding, said while sipping on a cold pint of Speyburn and relaxing under an edible sombrero:

“My favourite part of the festival is the bit with all the whisky.”

Festival attendee Roddy MacSporran, an inexcusable, whisky gathering, waste of molecules from Glasgow said:

“I’m really looking forward to tasting up to 70 different fine single malts from the bottle table, good thing I brought along this miniature of Drumguish to contribute, otherwise I’d just be a cunt.” 

It's important to open these sorts of special bottles before the level drops too low.

It’s important to open these sorts of special bottles before the level drops too low.

Elf Benderson, head of road safety and Gnome impersonation at Disaster Of Malt, who will provide this year’s special Dramboree Barbecue Dinner, said whilst Skyping from his laptop somewhere close to junction 12 on the M8, while simultaneously attempting to warm a cheese and pulled pork toasty on the George Forman grill mounted to his dashboard:

“So far I’ve reversed over The Angel Of The North, squashed a pensioner’s toes and destroyed most of the bollards in Penrith, running a tad late but still really excited to be part of such a great event. The rest of the lads are in the boot re-vatting sixty random bottles of Caol Ila for our commemorative Dramboree Boutiquey bottling.” 

They even misspelled their company name on the truck thing.

They even misspelled their company name on the truck thing.

Head of the Grating Whisky Company and Ronnie MacSpillin’s boss Neddie Loveblow, said while digging old guitar plectrums out of his beard with a trowel:

“Ronnie has really out done himself with Dramboree this year, I’m really impressed, it’s a shame I can’t go this year as I’ll have to wait till he gets back to tell him he’s fired.”

Dramboree 2014. Festival Guide:

Friday 6pm.

Grand opening tasting with Marshall Stevens of Dours. Marshall forces everyone to listen to excruciatingly detailed and harrowing stories about prostitutes for hours on end, the only way to escape is to buy and then consume a bottle of Dour’s Beige Label.

Saturday 6pm. 

Attendees have a choice of two events. Firstly a masterclass from whisky auction specialist Angus McThump from bidyourfaceoff.net entitled ‘How To Successfully Invest in Flora & Fauna Bottlings Without Hacking Relentlessly At Your Arteries With A Blunt Spoon’. Also on offer is a comparative ‘head to head’ tasting of Speyside and Haig Club hosted by David Beckham and Michael Owen. David and Michael will kick bottles of whisky around the floor and intermittently fall down crying before accidentally tasting one of the two products in question and being taken to hospital.

The glorious future of whisky...

The glorious future of whisky…

Saturday 9pm.

Whisky Question Time. A panel discussion where five panelists gang up on Blow Hairman and end up dragging him into the woods in a haphazard ‘Wicker Man’ style scenario. Featuring Christopher Lee on drums and David Dimbleby on boxing gloves.

Sunday 4am.

Everyone who has taken hallucinogenic drugs for the past 3 hours runs screaming through the woods until they realise it was just Jason popping out for a pee.

Sunday 4pm. 

Breakfast

Sunday 5pm.

Barbecue dinner courtesy of Disaster Of Malt. Special ‘Roadkill’ theme.

Sunday 8pm. 

The Big Farewell Tasting. A comparative tasting of every single Bruichladdich Valinch bottling hosted by Jimbob Paterson of Bruichladdich Distillery. Spittoons not included.

Monday 3am

Dregs and homemade techno party hosted by Tim Forbesmagazine, director of kittens at Waitrose.

They call him Doctor Kitten.

They call him Doctor Kitten.

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