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Posts Tagged ‘Michael Owen’

January

Annual tombola held by all major distilling companies to decide who will get to use the following names on their bottlings this year: ‘Founder’s Reserve’. ‘Small Batch’. ‘Special Edition’. ‘Limited Batch Release’. ‘Traditional Reserve’. ‘Master Distiller’s (insert nonsense here)’.

Speyburn Distillery’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, assumes new identity and begins gap year abroad in France.

"What I do: I do for the Clan!"

“What I do: I do for the Clan!”

February

Scottish Government declares national Bell’s Decanter armistice. Anyone still hoarding/collecting these vile affronts to human civilisation to be offered free mental health treatment and special drop off points are set up across the country where people can deposit their collections. Large men from the council will be sent round to bag them up at the end of the month and have them melted down. During the armistice several men are tazered by police for suggesting that the 1988 Christmas edition is ‘worth hanging onto as it’s still hard to find’.

March

Glenlivet distillery finally completes phase three of it’s ‘Global Dominion Protocol’. The number and location of stills is now the correct amount to generate a cyclical wormhole in the Spirit Receiver. All new make spirit is sent through this intergalactic portal to another solar system in a far-flung galaxy where the unusual properties of gravity on a local planet create a time lapse whereby the spirit can age for three years in new american oak and then be returned to the re-connecting stargate in the new onsite bottling facilities. Only moments have passed on Earth but the spirit is legally whisky and sufficiently flavoured with wood extracts to be labelled as Founder’s Reserve. Sith Lord Alan Winchester said of the development:

“We had a bit of trouble at first convincing the SWA that the particular solar system several billion lightyears away was still technically Scotland, but we sent Alex Salmond through with a flag and that seemed good enough for them. It’s a bit like the film Interstellar except instead of Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway debating the universality of love inside a spaceship, it’s Ian and Jimbo arguing over which Pot Noodle to have for lunch.”

Glenlivet is made by a dedicated team of people who need a job, they drew straws to see who would have to go through the wormhole and work in the filling store. Big Kenny drew the short straw and described the experience thusly:

“It’s nae bad oan backshift like but it’s mair’n five billion parsecs away. That’s like gettin’ snarled up in Nairn oan a Friday afternoon ken!”

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the materials used, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart form that it's pretty much the same as it's always been.

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the ingredients, the casks, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart from that it’s pretty much the same as it’s always been.

April

Gaspar Noé decides to use the Limburg Whiskyfair as a key location in his new film. The film is titled ‘Blowhole’ and is a 140 minute, single shot epic set entirely in a vast gay orgy and shot in excruciating detail. The film will star Benedict Cumberbatch, Kirk Douglas, Will Ferrel and Oliver Kermit with a score by Bruce Willis. Gaspar said of the movie and his choice of location:

“The film is very much a continuation of the theme of human sexuality and cinematic honesty which I began with my previous film ‘Love’. I wanted to show the beauty and cerebral majesty of two large German bears rimming each other as if they were desperately seeking the keys to unlock them from some sort of hellish torture nightmare from one of the ‘Saw’ movies. The way whisky lovers feverishly engage with their tasting glasses in such sweaty, almost unbearable conditions really reminded me of this so I felt the Limburg Whiskyfair would be an ideal location. Also, the changes needed to make it seem like an actual gay orgy are so minimal that it is hugely beneficial to the budget. 

On casting Oliver Kermit:

“Basically I wanted a real performer, someone intimately connected with the real environment in which we were shooting and given the amount Oliver talks about ‘sausage fun’ he seemed like a natural, boundary-straddling choice. I did explicitly warn him that his role would involve large amounts of un-simulated, gay intercourse with the 99 year old Kirk Douglas but he said that was the only reason he agreed to be in it.” 

It'll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

It’ll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

May

David Beckham relinquishes his role as brand ambassador for Haig Club and is replaced by Luis Suarez.

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Diageo human shield Dr Nick Morgan welcomed the change and said:

“The bite mark means that the bottle is now five centilitres smaller than before which is not only financially lucrative but an extremely strong sales pitch as customers are far more inclined to buy one when they realise there won’t be so much whisky to drink.” 

June

Lagavulin Distillery celebrates its bicentenary despite the fact all the bottles used to state ‘founded 1742’ for many decades. As well as a special bottling featuring the names of as many past mangers as they can remember etched into the bottle, they will celebrate by discontinuing the 16 year old and replacing it with an NAS version. Whoever it is that’s managing the distillery these days said:

“We’ve already started digging the foxholes and putting up sandbags and machine gun nests.” 

July

Dark Mollesty records a special episode of Whiskyshaft in which he interviews himself. The episode is 340 minutes long and features such highlights as Dark challenging himself to a duel and the bit where he interviews himself in character as footballer and Spey ambassador Michael Owen and ends up falling in love with himself to the point where it becomes – in Dark’s own words – ‘audibly erotic’.  Also, don’t miss the final harrowing two hours where he refuses to answer one of his own questions. The episode ends when Dark performs a citizens arrest on himself after his own repeated attempts to justify scoring Johnnie Walker Gold Label 95/100.

Lets play guess the sound effect…

Lets play guess the sound effect…

August

John Glaser feels that Compass Box’s sales are hitting a bit of a slump so creates another illegal label for one of his whiskies and reports himself to the SWA again.

September

Butt Plug packaging now at critical levels in the whisky industry. Consumers have been hit throughout 2016 with releases such as Glenbungrangie, Arsebeg, the Springbungk, Bungrow and Hazelbung ‘Bungletts & Kilplugins’ series and the notorious North Plug Bungin bottled for Dubai Duty Free. Highland Park bears the brunt of the blame for their King Christian bottling. Brand ambassador Ardvark Martinhardbung said of the bottling while bench pressing an entire stow of recently filled sherry butts:

“So, it turns out people are against the whole butt plug in a box with a stupid name, no information about the liquid and a price tag of €5000 thing. To be honest, I am sympathetic. We do have other butt plug bottlings planned but I think we’ll just sit on them for the time being…” 

Apparently people think it's silly…

Apparently people think it’s silly…

October

Diageo unveils their 2016 Special Releases. The UK launch event is a 24 hour rave in a field just outside Knebworth. Highlights will be a huge marrying tun full of punch housed in an acid tent curated by Colin Dunnage and featuring some of this year’s special releases poured into a trough with Listerine, Irn Bru, Prosecco, Cherry Cola, Bovril, Cuppa Soups and Goldschlager. Invited guests will also be able to have a stab at smoking crack before trying their hand at clay pigeon shooting using bottles of Smoky Goat and Boxing Hares with Caroline Martin. The stand is called ‘Shooting Crack & Crap With Caroline’. Elsewhere at the event Dr Nick Morgan and Jim Beveridge will be handing out free poppers and Es before laying down a three hour cover of Maggot Brain and busting into an epic, all night techno battle. Jim Beveridge said of the launch event:

“As usual the most exciting bit will be the tweet deck!” 

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

November

Disaster Of Malt begin to run out of stock to re-bottle so a second subsidiary company is launched that they can pretend to have nothing to do with just like all the others. The subsidiary is called ‘The ReBoot-Iquey-Whisky-Company’ and specialises in offering extremely limited edition re-bottlings of Boutiquey whisky co bottlings. Elf Benderson, head of Disaster Of Malt (or ‘Molecule Provisions’ or whatever it says on the invoices) said:

“Now you can re-enjoy all your old favourites. Ardbeg Batch 2, Miltonduff Batch 1 and – who could forget – Macallan Batch 3!” 

The labels will be re-printed over the top of spare labels from the original bottlings and will be comprehensively illegible.

December

Serge Valentin is arrested by Interpol on charges of ‘wilful manipulation of the international Speyburn index’, ‘blatant fibbing on a whiskyblog’, ‘outrageous scoring of Speyburn on a whiskyblog’ and ‘being a bit too French’. As he is dragged kicking and screaming from his swimming pool while desperately attempting to delete his internet browsing history, Interpol agents reveal to the world’s media an unfathomably large hoard of Speyburn bottlings in the ancient catacombs of Turckheim beneath Chateau Whiskyfun. Interpol refuse to give too much away about their source but refer to their informant by the codename ‘Agent Aston’.

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

In other, completely unrelated events, Speyburn’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, returns from his gap year abroad with 70 cases of assorted vintage Riesling and Vin Jaune, a tart flambee oven, a portable alambic still, three Ducatis, the Légion d’honneur and a selection of very obscure Jazz albums. He is given a heroe’s welcome and a jeroboam of Bradan Orach.

Vengeance is sweet!

Speyburn wouldn’t melt in his mouth!

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The imaginatively named Speyside Distillery – notorious excreters of Drumguish – has come under a salvo of controversy after they were accused of adding whisky to their new Caramel bottling ‘Beinn Dubh: The Black Mountain’. The expression – inspired by an abandoned working title for one of the Hobbit films – was released just over a month ago to a bunch of motorcyclists. Speyside Distillery’s CEO Harvey John McDonut said of the release:

“We basically wanted to find a group of people who knew as little about whisky as possible and – because they all had Harley Davidsons and had to drive – thankfully none of them could actually consume any of the stuff. It was touch and go for a while though, they’re hefty buggers those bikers; not sure I’d have felt comfortable being in their way if one of them had actually put the stuff into their mouth.” 

Speyside distillery has refuted claims that their new bottling contains trace amounts of ‘whisky’. Labelling such accusations as false, base, without merit or evidence and excruciatingly litigious.

Welcome to Hell!

If proper precautions are not taken, some people may actually end up drinking it.

Paul Dampspray, Speyside Distillery’s Head Of Caramel, said:

“We can’t help it, first Cu Dhub and now this. God I just love caramel. I love the thick, treacelesque ooze of it and the way it coagulates between my bare toes. I love to rub it all over my naked body. Feeling it congeal under my armpits and glue my thighs together in a sticky, sugar-based aralditing of flesh. In my dreams Michael Own and I both rub each other with special dark caramel, until we look like a couple of extras from an adult themed version of the Black And White Minstrel Show. I imaging the caramel sheen on his taught footballers musculature, the way our hands become gloopy and syrupy as we fumble to coat each other; writhing in the darkness. I kneel and tilt my expectant head back as the gelatinous e150a drizzles over his upper torso and snakes it’s way down, dripping from his kneecaps into my anticipating mouth. The caramel chokes me, fills up my throat and nose. If there is a more exquisite ecstasy to be found in nature it is a stranger yet to me.” 

Paul added:

“Shhhh…keep the secret!” 

"I likes it good and sticky I do!"

“I likes it good and sticky I do!”

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To celebrate international whisky day, Whiskysponge has managed to secure a rare interview with the drink itself.

Whiskysponge: Hello.

Whisky: ….hi

WS: So…how are you?

W: Ok, I suppose. I’ve been blended a lot lately and left to sit around in Asian warehouses for quite some time which is undeniably testing but there’s not much to be done about that so I probably shouldn’t complain.

WS: Right…

W: What exactly is a ‘whiskysponge’?

WS: Well…I absorb you I suppose.

W: I see. Couldn’t you just drink me like everyone else?

WS: Well I’m a non-human, partially metaphorical construct. And also I don’t have lips.

W: I don’t have lips either and I’m also a partial metaphor.

WS: So are we going to struggle to conduct an interview in the traditional question and response mode?

W: Well let’s find out but can we make it snappy because I’ve got to be nosed and tasted by a significant number of people today so I’m really quite busy.

WS: Yes of course, sorry. Where exactly are you from Mr Whisky?

W: I’m sorry but why do you assume I’m male?

WS: Just the thing to do really; a bit like God I suppose.

W: Well I can assure you that I am a thoroughly genderless liquid.

WS: Right…sorry.

W: And what’s more – despite all this ‘Angel’s Share’ and ‘Devil’s Cask’ pish – I remain thoroughly agnostic. At least until the Pope and Richard Dawkins agree to participate in an unnecessarily violent bar brawl whilst reeking of me to determine the ultimate existence of any deity or higher form of being.

WS: Ok, well I don’t think we need to involve a third potentially metaphorical construct, certainly not one as flamboyant as God at any rate. So, where are you from ‘Whisky’ ?

W: I’m from Scotland, Ireland, Japan and most of North America but I also have a little Indian, French, Swedish, German and Australian in me. Not to mention a family tree that stretches quite far back to ancient Chinese, Persian and Egyptian cultures. Although, I was a different sort of character in those days mind you. All fireworks, eye shadow and surprisingly few parts per million phenol.

WS: How would you define yourself these days then?

W: Well ever since I graduated from 13th century monastic brewing culture I suppose I just sort of stumbled into being a malt based distillate. I used to be all about clarity and herbal infusions and providing methanol-induced infertility – but since I got into wood ageing I’ve never really looked back.

WS: Is there a particular age you enjoy being bottled at?

W: To be honest I don’t really have a preference. It all depends on what kind of mood I’m in. Sometimes I just feel like I’m five years old and I want to run about the place being totally off my tits on wood sugars, being lively as fuck and bouncing off the walls. But then there are more melancholy or pondersome days where I would really just rather lounge about from the ages of twenty to forty and be kind of relaxed and mysterious. Usually I’m quite happy to just flop along in a slightly adolescent ‘hands in the pockets’ ‘I’m off to develop an obnoxious taste in music’ teenage fashion.

WS: And what about when you’re bottled without an age?

W: Do you mean when I’m ‘NAS’?

WS: Yes.

W: Well – now I know people are getting their knickers in a twist over this lately – here’s the thing. I’ve actually been bottled as NAS for well over a century now. Even if you put blending aside – that’s another thing, I really don’t like it when I’m forced to share a room with my rather uncouth sibling Grain. But I digress, even just as a single malt I was bottled without an age statement ever since people stopped guzzling me direct from wooden transport casks in Victorian ale houses. I don’t really mind being vatted together and bottled as NAS, it can be a bit of a mind-tangling girofuck at times but it’s generally ok in principle. It’s just that there’s a rather disconcerting trend of giving me silly names and ever sillier price tags all the while hiding any real information about what I really am. Do you ever have those days where you just feel like you’re loosing your identity a little bit? It would drive me to drink but what does an alcohol do to drown its sorrows I ask you?

WS: I’m not sure there’s an answer to that. Is that what makes you such a caustic and edgy sort of character then?

W: Well, having said all that I suppose what irks me most is the things I’m forced to wear nowadays. I used to be kind of left to my own devices in some lovely, rather tasteful little refill hogsheads but now its all ‘vanilla’ this and ‘coconut’ that and ‘extra matured’. I hate vanilla, it really is such a vulgar flavour and yet that’s all they ever seem to dress me up in these days. Sometimes I just look in the mirror and I’m like’ give me some fucking minerals Goddamn it!” And I’m forever being evicted, just when you get comfy and settled in onc cask some burly men come and upend you into some horrid and completely overactive new cask. I barely ever have time to pack up my hemicellulose from my old cask.

WS: Do you want a tissue?

W: No. Why?

WS: Well it’s just that you’re crying?

W: Metaphors don’t cry!

WS: Right, of course, sorry. Where do you see yourself in ten years time?

W: In ten years time? Well, it’s hard to say, it really depends on what my commitments are abroad. Apparently they’re having some sort of issues with me when I’m blended where there’s rather a lot of me and sales are ‘stagnant’. If that keeps rumbling along I suppose things could get more relaxed for me when I’m in my native malty format. I’d quite like that to be honest, and my sibling Grain is managing to keep itself pre-occupied these days, hanging out with David Beckham all the time. If things kick off again though then it could all go tits up and I’ll just spend all my time being made in only four different distilleries by 2040.

WS: You mention your sibling Grain, has there been a long history of sibling rivalry between you?

W: No not at all. For a long time Grain and I were really just there to be blended for mass market consumption. Not an ideal situation but that’s just the way things evolved – bloody capitalism! It’s only recently that Grain has been getting all up in my face and being like “Look who’s the big important grain based alcohol now! I’m getting bottled as single cask and everyone loves me.” And I’m totally like “Whatever, they only pretend to love you because they can’t afford me anymore darling!”

WS: Do you have a favourite distillery to be made at?

W: Well I’ve never really enjoyed the distillation process at Mortlach or Springbank, it always feels like I’ve been on a particularly boke-inducing roller coaster going through all those half-distilliation bits and pieces. And don’t get me started on Glenmorangie, it’s basically a very very long uphill hike, the view at the top is undeniably pleasant but you’re only there for a few seconds and then BOOM you’re condensed again. I don’t mind being Clynelish but I’m not sure the wax is really good for my hair.

WS: Can partial metaphorical constructs have hair?

W: I like to think I have hair.

WS: Ok….but any distilleries you actually enjoy…?

W: Hmmmm, I used to very much enjoy being Laphroaig and Bowmore back in the 60s. Short stills, no rush, and so much tropical fruit I was getting well over my five a day at the time. I also always used to have a soft spot for being Speyside because I could sneak off and have a nap. It was great until someone ruined it with Michael Owen. Now I have to go and be Loch Lomond whenever I don’t want to be noticed or disturbed.

WS: What is your relationship like with other spirits?

W: Well when I’m young I don’t really get on well with any of them, although as I get older and wiser I suppose that I get closer to Rum and Brandy and we tend to get on a lot better together. Don’t get me started on that trashy slut Vodka though, and I can’t understand a word that Tequila says. I have always had a secret youthful soft spot for Mezcal but it is eccentric to say the least.

WS: What about wine?

W: It’s a tricky one. Sometimes I have to share a cask with that poncey bitch and it really is the roommate from hell but at other times there’s a grudging respect for one another. The best of times is where someone consumes a large amount of both of us over one night. We kick up a right storm then, it’s undeniably hilarious.

WS: How do you like to relax on your time off?

W: Oh, a nice big refill european oak butt with plenty of leg room, a quiet coastal dunnage warehouse and the chance to just catch a few decades of me time.

WS: What advice would you give to people interested in getting into you?

W: I’m a chilled out kind of drink, no need to be afraid of me or treat me with too much reverence. I enjoy a laugh as much as the next grain based, wood aged distillate. Sure I can be a complex character at times but I’m easy going and open, and if you take the time to get to know me we can have a lot of fun together over the years. Just remember not to take me too seriously.

WS: Nice.

W: Well that’s what it says on my Tinder profile anyway. Took me fucking ages to think that line up!

WS: Any luck with Tinder so far?

W: Mmmm, not really. Got a match the other day but I told them the story about how Jim Murray once had sex with some brazillian half-wit over a cask of me in a warehouse and I haven’t heard from them since.

WS: I’m sure you’ll find someone sooner or later. Maybe just don’t lead with that story next time.

W: I’ll bear it in mind.

WS: So what’s next for you Whisky and how will you be celebrating your international day?

W: I’ve got a busy year – particularly on Islay where I’ve got to be a bewildering amount of special Ardbeg and Laphroaig in a couple of months, I’ll have to work on my peatiness for that and probably go to the gym as well. Other than that just the usual crazy running around doing lots of day to day being whisky stuff and a few special events where I’ve got to be lots of older bottlings at nerdfests. Did you know that once a year in Limburg a load of Germans wear me round their necks in little tasting glasses on string? I mean it’s all well and good being a lovely old 1965 Longmorn but I have to dangle between a pair of sweaty German man boobs for hours on end. It’s a tough metaphorical existence sometimes I tell you!

WS: Ok. And what about International Whisky Day?

W: Well it’s all undeniably very flattering, it’s so nice to get all that attention and be enjoyed by so many people.

WS: What about your memories of Michael Jackson?

W: It was always a pleasure to be tasted by Michael, he really got me. Not to mention the fact that he was a great friend to my cousin Beer, especially when it was going through a period of time when it really had very few friends.

WS: Anything else you’d like to add?

W: Not really, I think we pretty much covered everything.

WS: Great, thanks for taking time to speak to Whiskysponge.

W: My pleasure.

 

Merry International Whisky Day from Whiskysponge. Xxx

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1: Did you know… that Colin Dunnage was only given the Malts Ambassador job at Diageo when they realised the Biker Mice From Mars were actually fictional characters.

2: Did you know… Ian Logan from Glenlivet is actually a failed clone of René from classic 1980s British sitcom Allo Allo.

It just didn't work.

It just didn’t work.

3: Did you know… in the 1980s Glenturret Distillery built a turret and enslaved a Romanian teenager called Rapunzel in the top chamber in what many now regard as the second worst marketing stunt in the history of whisky. Only narrowly superseded by the blatant use of Michael Owen.

4: Did you know… the ‘aftershave’ that Macaulay Culkin hilariously slapped onto his pre-pubescent chops in Home Alone was actually 1980s Speyburn new make spirit. Hence his genuine scream of agony at having wasted a potentially lucrative investment for his burgeoning whisky portfolio (which he would later swap entirely for heroin in 2011).

5: Did you know… Victoria Shagging Barfly is now available as an app.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

6: Did you know… Glenlivet distillery is only open to visitors one day a year. The day changes annually and no one knows when it will actually be. Anyone who shows up on the day it is actually open is allowed to taste their 12 year old and be accompanied to the bathroom by a member of staff.

7: Did you know… Kevin Keegan was once the official ‘mouser’ at Scapa.

8: Did you know…  Former Chancellor of the Exchequer and unionist pin-up Alisdair Darling’s eyebrows are that colour because of Loch Dhu.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

9: Did you know… Neddy Loveblow of The Whisky Lounge keeps up to 12 different Barry Manilow cassette tapes in his beard at all times.

10: Did you know… Oliver Kermit’s new blog ‘Today’s Fine Food’ is used by capitalists as a motivational web based resource for starving children in the Sudan.

11: Did you know… Professor Jill Bumsden can survive unaided in a fermenting washback for up to 17 minutes for reasons science can not yet wholly explain.

12: Did you know… Jasper Clementine once came 7th in the 1993 Annual Turckheim Professor Calculus Lookalike Competition.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

13: Did you know… The Cadenhead’s shop in Edinburgh is the only place in the known universe where the time continuum is completely static.

14: Did you know… the manager of Glenkinchie knows a guy who once shook hands with some bloke who once had a go of the gun that shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

15: Did you know… the Glasgow Whisky Company got the idea for calling their new release of whisky from another distillery – which is totally not just a dressed up independent bottling – ‘Prometheus’ by getting utterly baked on cheap weed one night and throwing fridge magnets at Ridley Scott films.

16: Did you know… Diageo invented and patented the Gaelic language in 1983.

17: Did you know… Most norse mythology is based on Highland Park bottlings.

18: Did you know… Whiskysponge’s resident reviewer Giuseppe Linguini once spent 87 hours in an ex-fino sherry puncheon hiding from Mickey Heads when he was manager of Jura after Giuseppe sold him a Ford Cortina with two and a half cardboard break disks.

19: Did you know… Jasper Clementine has patented the use of the aroma ‘Kumquats’ in tasting notes and will instigate legal action against anyone that uses it. Despite the fact that it is a fictitious fruit that has yet to be proven to exist outside of Waitrose.

20: Did you know… Dark Mollesty of Whiskyshaft once urinated in a cask of Octomore while Jimbob Paterson was emptying the magazine of a Tech 9 at passing seagulls in warehouse 3 at Bruichladdich.

It was later described by Jimbob as 'an undeniable improvement'.

It was later described by Jimbob as ‘an undeniable improvement’.

21: Did you know… Anthony Spills of Kilchoman personally incubates each cask of his whisky by sitting on it for at least 24 hours.

22: Did you know… Jimbob Paterson still believes he is Distillery Manger at Bowmore and has given at least 37 interviews in that capacity. All of which have been described charitably as ‘incomprehensible’.

23: Did you know… Damon Albarn of Blur once interviewed for the job of manager at Longmorn Distillery but was told his lack of confidence with augmented chords in his songwriting was what ultimately cost him the job.

24: Did you know… Richard McEwen of Whyte & MacKay once went total ape shit and tried to force feed Nick Morgan a crate of Bananas. Nick had to later be treated for excessive potassium intake.

25: Did you know… Internationally hated Laphroaig hoarder Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills has had his house raided on 17 occasions by the Dutch Police’s Tropical Fruit Enforcement Task Force. All of whom were bribed with platinum fillings.

HIs kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

His kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

26: Did you know… Before Ardbeg decided to put whisky in space they attempted to send some of Mary’s Clootie Dumpling but the rocket had insufficient fuel capacity and thrust to propel the pudding into orbit. It was described by renowned NASA astrophysicist Dr Herbert Drag as “Dense as fuck!” .

27: Did you know… Scotland is the only country in the world where Jan Birch lives.

28: Did you know… Dark Mollesty has presented over 88 episodes of Whiskyshaft while utterly off hit tits on crack.

29: Did you know… Speyburn’s old mashtun will be sent to Balcones distillery in the USA where it will be used as a secure chamber in which to store Chip Tait.

30: Did you know… Liam Buxton’s latest book ‘101 Whiskies To Try While Breaking The World Record For Most Pork Scratchings Gnawed Directly From A Live Pig’, was sponsored by North Korea.

31: Did you know… The Papal Archives in the Vatican contain over 22 unpublished tasting notes by Jim Murray for which the world is not yet ready.

32: Did you know… Peter Capaldi’s recent critically acclaimed turn as Doctor Who was based entirely on Iain Henderson’s last day as Distillery Manager at Laphroaig.

33: Did you know… The film ‘Event Horizon’ was inspired by the minutes of a marketing strategy conference call at Dayglo Retard.

34: Did you know… Jim Sweep once fashioned a quill out of his own hair in order to sign a copy of his book about closed Glasgow distilleries ‘Pure Dead Whisky’ using one of the six Pina Coladas he was drinking as ink.

35: Did you know… Andrew Symington has had Edradour Distillery exorcised on 14 separate occasions by 3 different Popes.

36: Did you know… Amrut Single Malt is actually made in a shed in Basingstoke by a woman named Henrietta Clump.

37: Did you know… the legendary whisky writer Michael Jackson was actually also Michael Jackson the international music star. Don’t believe us? You try and find a photo of them together…

38: Did you know… The word ‘Karuizawa’ means ‘laughing all the way to the bank’ in the native dialect of ancient Norfolk.

39: Did you know… Ralfy is bringing out a new brand of whisky flavoured Condoms called ‘Malt Mates’. They will be available in ‘NAS’, ‘Un-Chilfiltered’ and ‘Cask Strength’. Ralfy is keen to stress they will all be natural colour.

40: Did You Know… the people responsible for the Michael Owen ‘Spey’ whisky campaign are now wanted in over 62 countries around the world on charges including: ‘treason’, ‘disturbing the peace’, ‘grievous bodily harm’, ‘assault with a deadly weapon’, ‘incentive to riot’, ‘crimes against humanity’, ‘wilful lack of self-awareness’, ‘terrorism’, ‘poisoning’, ‘attempted murder’, ‘obscenity’, ‘attempting the sale of deadly substances’ and ‘coercion of a minor’.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

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The 'dram' table

The ‘dram’ table

Dramboree, the Scottish language remake of Maltstock, has begun today with the congealing of agitated, sunburnt Scottish people and their whisky on the shores of Loch Lomond. Festival organiser Ronnie MacSpillin of the Grating Whisky Company said whilst hyperventilating in a porta-loo:

“We were always inspired by the idea of Maltstock, the concept that like-minded whisky lovers of all backgrounds could come together for the chance to share special bottles in a relaxed environment with a stunning backdrop and just generally wallow in their love of whisky and fine beers. So naturally we ripped it off wholesale and now I’m about to be besieged by a flock of Scots all carrying a crate of Tennent’s Lager and a litre bottle of Bell’s from the Co-Op.”

Everyone needs a special place...

Everyone needs a special place…

Ronnie’s festival co-organiser Jason De Manding, said while sipping on a cold pint of Speyburn and relaxing under an edible sombrero:

“My favourite part of the festival is the bit with all the whisky.”

Festival attendee Roddy MacSporran, an inexcusable, whisky gathering, waste of molecules from Glasgow said:

“I’m really looking forward to tasting up to 70 different fine single malts from the bottle table, good thing I brought along this miniature of Drumguish to contribute, otherwise I’d just be a cunt.” 

It's important to open these sorts of special bottles before the level drops too low.

It’s important to open these sorts of special bottles before the level drops too low.

Elf Benderson, head of road safety and Gnome impersonation at Disaster Of Malt, who will provide this year’s special Dramboree Barbecue Dinner, said whilst Skyping from his laptop somewhere close to junction 12 on the M8, while simultaneously attempting to warm a cheese and pulled pork toasty on the George Forman grill mounted to his dashboard:

“So far I’ve reversed over The Angel Of The North, squashed a pensioner’s toes and destroyed most of the bollards in Penrith, running a tad late but still really excited to be part of such a great event. The rest of the lads are in the boot re-vatting sixty random bottles of Caol Ila for our commemorative Dramboree Boutiquey bottling.” 

They even misspelled their company name on the truck thing.

They even misspelled their company name on the truck thing.

Head of the Grating Whisky Company and Ronnie MacSpillin’s boss Neddie Loveblow, said while digging old guitar plectrums out of his beard with a trowel:

“Ronnie has really out done himself with Dramboree this year, I’m really impressed, it’s a shame I can’t go this year as I’ll have to wait till he gets back to tell him he’s fired.”

Dramboree 2014. Festival Guide:

Friday 6pm.

Grand opening tasting with Marshall Stevens of Dours. Marshall forces everyone to listen to excruciatingly detailed and harrowing stories about prostitutes for hours on end, the only way to escape is to buy and then consume a bottle of Dour’s Beige Label.

Saturday 6pm. 

Attendees have a choice of two events. Firstly a masterclass from whisky auction specialist Angus McThump from bidyourfaceoff.net entitled ‘How To Successfully Invest in Flora & Fauna Bottlings Without Hacking Relentlessly At Your Arteries With A Blunt Spoon’. Also on offer is a comparative ‘head to head’ tasting of Speyside and Haig Club hosted by David Beckham and Michael Owen. David and Michael will kick bottles of whisky around the floor and intermittently fall down crying before accidentally tasting one of the two products in question and being taken to hospital.

The glorious future of whisky...

The glorious future of whisky…

Saturday 9pm.

Whisky Question Time. A panel discussion where five panelists gang up on Blow Hairman and end up dragging him into the woods in a haphazard ‘Wicker Man’ style scenario. Featuring Christopher Lee on drums and David Dimbleby on boxing gloves.

Sunday 4am.

Everyone who has taken hallucinogenic drugs for the past 3 hours runs screaming through the woods until they realise it was just Jason popping out for a pee.

Sunday 4pm. 

Breakfast

Sunday 5pm.

Barbecue dinner courtesy of Disaster Of Malt. Special ‘Roadkill’ theme.

Sunday 8pm. 

The Big Farewell Tasting. A comparative tasting of every single Bruichladdich Valinch bottling hosted by Jimbob Paterson of Bruichladdich Distillery. Spittoons not included.

Monday 3am

Dregs and homemade techno party hosted by Tim Forbesmagazine, director of kittens at Waitrose.

They call him Doctor Kitten.

They call him Doctor Kitten.

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