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Posts Tagged ‘Mortlach’

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Almost as good as much cheaper whiskies.

Chivas Brothers have announced a new, twin-purpose project designed to increase the prices of old bottlings of Longmorn at auction and to generally raise the levels of contempt for their company among Whisky enthusiasts around the world. Using a process of simple Mortlachification, they have taken a step forward in being taken far less seriously.

Miriam Ecoli – Longmorn Brand Strangulation Director at Chivas – said while using a bottle of the new 23 year old to roll some pastry:

“Everyone is always banging on about Diageo Haig Club this, or Diageo Port Ellen prices that, or Diageo is homogenising the flavour of Scotch Whisky and we are like ‘HELLOOOOO’ Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve anyone…? Why are we always getting ignored in the Whisky nerd baiting game. Diageo are three hundred points ahead of us this season and we’ve already launched Glenlivet Cypher and put out a load of really rubbish Scapa. Jeez! What’s a multinational drinks conglomerate got to do to get some Facebook hating action on the go?! I mean, should we just release an age-statement version of A’bunadh, is reverse psychology the answer here…?” 

Each year the major whisky companies compete in an inter-company, points based tournament designed around pissing off Whisky lovers. The points are broken down into various categories:

1 point: Getting a self-righteous Facebook status update from Oliver Kermit about price increases.

5 points: Getting a Whiskysponge article like this one.

10 points: A large and meandering thread in the Malt Maniacs page on Facebook that invariably turns into an argument about NAS and price increases.

20 points: Forcing a noticeable price increase on your previous bottlings at auctions within 2 months of a product re-launch. (aka: Doing a Mortlach)

50 points: Multiple simultaneous meaningless threats of product boycotts from people who barely ever buy them anyway.

100 points: Haig Club

200 points: The Spey Range

300 points: A lacklustre and almost passively aggressive review on Whiskyfun.

500 points: Replacing a long standing core expression with an obviously inferior NAS version.

1000 points: Shitting all over your history by building a fuck-off massive distillery to replace the one that made all your good stuff because you’re a bunch of profit obsessed accountants who couldn’t give a shit about your consumers or your brands. (aka: Doing a Macallan)

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Macallan: The Next Generation. Featuring Michael Dorn as Wort and Brent Spiner as Distillery Data.

Due to this last point and various Highland Park releases Edrington has held an unassailable lead for several years now. Pernod is determined to overtake Diageo in second place before the end of this season though (which ends with each financial year in April).

Miriam Ecoli added:

“This new Longmorn shit should really get us in the game now! How d’you like them apples Diageo!?” 

Someone or other from Diageo said:

“Haig Club Single Cask, bitches!” 

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It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.

Masterclasses

Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!

 

 

 

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To celebrate international whisky day, Whiskysponge has managed to secure a rare interview with the drink itself.

Whiskysponge: Hello.

Whisky: ….hi

WS: So…how are you?

W: Ok, I suppose. I’ve been blended a lot lately and left to sit around in Asian warehouses for quite some time which is undeniably testing but there’s not much to be done about that so I probably shouldn’t complain.

WS: Right…

W: What exactly is a ‘whiskysponge’?

WS: Well…I absorb you I suppose.

W: I see. Couldn’t you just drink me like everyone else?

WS: Well I’m a non-human, partially metaphorical construct. And also I don’t have lips.

W: I don’t have lips either and I’m also a partial metaphor.

WS: So are we going to struggle to conduct an interview in the traditional question and response mode?

W: Well let’s find out but can we make it snappy because I’ve got to be nosed and tasted by a significant number of people today so I’m really quite busy.

WS: Yes of course, sorry. Where exactly are you from Mr Whisky?

W: I’m sorry but why do you assume I’m male?

WS: Just the thing to do really; a bit like God I suppose.

W: Well I can assure you that I am a thoroughly genderless liquid.

WS: Right…sorry.

W: And what’s more – despite all this ‘Angel’s Share’ and ‘Devil’s Cask’ pish – I remain thoroughly agnostic. At least until the Pope and Richard Dawkins agree to participate in an unnecessarily violent bar brawl whilst reeking of me to determine the ultimate existence of any deity or higher form of being.

WS: Ok, well I don’t think we need to involve a third potentially metaphorical construct, certainly not one as flamboyant as God at any rate. So, where are you from ‘Whisky’ ?

W: I’m from Scotland, Ireland, Japan and most of North America but I also have a little Indian, French, Swedish, German and Australian in me. Not to mention a family tree that stretches quite far back to ancient Chinese, Persian and Egyptian cultures. Although, I was a different sort of character in those days mind you. All fireworks, eye shadow and surprisingly few parts per million phenol.

WS: How would you define yourself these days then?

W: Well ever since I graduated from 13th century monastic brewing culture I suppose I just sort of stumbled into being a malt based distillate. I used to be all about clarity and herbal infusions and providing methanol-induced infertility – but since I got into wood ageing I’ve never really looked back.

WS: Is there a particular age you enjoy being bottled at?

W: To be honest I don’t really have a preference. It all depends on what kind of mood I’m in. Sometimes I just feel like I’m five years old and I want to run about the place being totally off my tits on wood sugars, being lively as fuck and bouncing off the walls. But then there are more melancholy or pondersome days where I would really just rather lounge about from the ages of twenty to forty and be kind of relaxed and mysterious. Usually I’m quite happy to just flop along in a slightly adolescent ‘hands in the pockets’ ‘I’m off to develop an obnoxious taste in music’ teenage fashion.

WS: And what about when you’re bottled without an age?

W: Do you mean when I’m ‘NAS’?

WS: Yes.

W: Well – now I know people are getting their knickers in a twist over this lately – here’s the thing. I’ve actually been bottled as NAS for well over a century now. Even if you put blending aside – that’s another thing, I really don’t like it when I’m forced to share a room with my rather uncouth sibling Grain. But I digress, even just as a single malt I was bottled without an age statement ever since people stopped guzzling me direct from wooden transport casks in Victorian ale houses. I don’t really mind being vatted together and bottled as NAS, it can be a bit of a mind-tangling girofuck at times but it’s generally ok in principle. It’s just that there’s a rather disconcerting trend of giving me silly names and ever sillier price tags all the while hiding any real information about what I really am. Do you ever have those days where you just feel like you’re loosing your identity a little bit? It would drive me to drink but what does an alcohol do to drown its sorrows I ask you?

WS: I’m not sure there’s an answer to that. Is that what makes you such a caustic and edgy sort of character then?

W: Well, having said all that I suppose what irks me most is the things I’m forced to wear nowadays. I used to be kind of left to my own devices in some lovely, rather tasteful little refill hogsheads but now its all ‘vanilla’ this and ‘coconut’ that and ‘extra matured’. I hate vanilla, it really is such a vulgar flavour and yet that’s all they ever seem to dress me up in these days. Sometimes I just look in the mirror and I’m like’ give me some fucking minerals Goddamn it!” And I’m forever being evicted, just when you get comfy and settled in onc cask some burly men come and upend you into some horrid and completely overactive new cask. I barely ever have time to pack up my hemicellulose from my old cask.

WS: Do you want a tissue?

W: No. Why?

WS: Well it’s just that you’re crying?

W: Metaphors don’t cry!

WS: Right, of course, sorry. Where do you see yourself in ten years time?

W: In ten years time? Well, it’s hard to say, it really depends on what my commitments are abroad. Apparently they’re having some sort of issues with me when I’m blended where there’s rather a lot of me and sales are ‘stagnant’. If that keeps rumbling along I suppose things could get more relaxed for me when I’m in my native malty format. I’d quite like that to be honest, and my sibling Grain is managing to keep itself pre-occupied these days, hanging out with David Beckham all the time. If things kick off again though then it could all go tits up and I’ll just spend all my time being made in only four different distilleries by 2040.

WS: You mention your sibling Grain, has there been a long history of sibling rivalry between you?

W: No not at all. For a long time Grain and I were really just there to be blended for mass market consumption. Not an ideal situation but that’s just the way things evolved – bloody capitalism! It’s only recently that Grain has been getting all up in my face and being like “Look who’s the big important grain based alcohol now! I’m getting bottled as single cask and everyone loves me.” And I’m totally like “Whatever, they only pretend to love you because they can’t afford me anymore darling!”

WS: Do you have a favourite distillery to be made at?

W: Well I’ve never really enjoyed the distillation process at Mortlach or Springbank, it always feels like I’ve been on a particularly boke-inducing roller coaster going through all those half-distilliation bits and pieces. And don’t get me started on Glenmorangie, it’s basically a very very long uphill hike, the view at the top is undeniably pleasant but you’re only there for a few seconds and then BOOM you’re condensed again. I don’t mind being Clynelish but I’m not sure the wax is really good for my hair.

WS: Can partial metaphorical constructs have hair?

W: I like to think I have hair.

WS: Ok….but any distilleries you actually enjoy…?

W: Hmmmm, I used to very much enjoy being Laphroaig and Bowmore back in the 60s. Short stills, no rush, and so much tropical fruit I was getting well over my five a day at the time. I also always used to have a soft spot for being Speyside because I could sneak off and have a nap. It was great until someone ruined it with Michael Owen. Now I have to go and be Loch Lomond whenever I don’t want to be noticed or disturbed.

WS: What is your relationship like with other spirits?

W: Well when I’m young I don’t really get on well with any of them, although as I get older and wiser I suppose that I get closer to Rum and Brandy and we tend to get on a lot better together. Don’t get me started on that trashy slut Vodka though, and I can’t understand a word that Tequila says. I have always had a secret youthful soft spot for Mezcal but it is eccentric to say the least.

WS: What about wine?

W: It’s a tricky one. Sometimes I have to share a cask with that poncey bitch and it really is the roommate from hell but at other times there’s a grudging respect for one another. The best of times is where someone consumes a large amount of both of us over one night. We kick up a right storm then, it’s undeniably hilarious.

WS: How do you like to relax on your time off?

W: Oh, a nice big refill european oak butt with plenty of leg room, a quiet coastal dunnage warehouse and the chance to just catch a few decades of me time.

WS: What advice would you give to people interested in getting into you?

W: I’m a chilled out kind of drink, no need to be afraid of me or treat me with too much reverence. I enjoy a laugh as much as the next grain based, wood aged distillate. Sure I can be a complex character at times but I’m easy going and open, and if you take the time to get to know me we can have a lot of fun together over the years. Just remember not to take me too seriously.

WS: Nice.

W: Well that’s what it says on my Tinder profile anyway. Took me fucking ages to think that line up!

WS: Any luck with Tinder so far?

W: Mmmm, not really. Got a match the other day but I told them the story about how Jim Murray once had sex with some brazillian half-wit over a cask of me in a warehouse and I haven’t heard from them since.

WS: I’m sure you’ll find someone sooner or later. Maybe just don’t lead with that story next time.

W: I’ll bear it in mind.

WS: So what’s next for you Whisky and how will you be celebrating your international day?

W: I’ve got a busy year – particularly on Islay where I’ve got to be a bewildering amount of special Ardbeg and Laphroaig in a couple of months, I’ll have to work on my peatiness for that and probably go to the gym as well. Other than that just the usual crazy running around doing lots of day to day being whisky stuff and a few special events where I’ve got to be lots of older bottlings at nerdfests. Did you know that once a year in Limburg a load of Germans wear me round their necks in little tasting glasses on string? I mean it’s all well and good being a lovely old 1965 Longmorn but I have to dangle between a pair of sweaty German man boobs for hours on end. It’s a tough metaphorical existence sometimes I tell you!

WS: Ok. And what about International Whisky Day?

W: Well it’s all undeniably very flattering, it’s so nice to get all that attention and be enjoyed by so many people.

WS: What about your memories of Michael Jackson?

W: It was always a pleasure to be tasted by Michael, he really got me. Not to mention the fact that he was a great friend to my cousin Beer, especially when it was going through a period of time when it really had very few friends.

WS: Anything else you’d like to add?

W: Not really, I think we pretty much covered everything.

WS: Great, thanks for taking time to speak to Whiskysponge.

W: My pleasure.

 

Merry International Whisky Day from Whiskysponge. Xxx

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Haig & Haig

Haig & Haig

After the shock duplication of David Beckham on the covers of Whisky Magazine and Whiskeria the Whisky industry at large is facing up to the very real prospect of a shortage of ex-professional footballers by 2025. Murdo Rupdoch, Diageo’s head of Blatantly Controlling The Whisky Media Market said while adding finishing touches to the rest of this year’s editions of Whisky Magazine:

“Advancements in technology means you can use a footballer for a lot longer these days. They can be rejuvenated to the point that we used a fresh David Beckham for Whisky Magazine and a refill-Beckham for Whiskeria and no one really noticed. Of course in years to come as footballer technology improves we have to accept that we will most likely be facing a shortage. And of course David can only be reused so many times before he really has nothing left to give. We may have to accept the fact that we’ll have to use Suarez. Maybe we should have used him for Mortlach; that’s quite a chewy malt.” 

Horace Crumblewick, who edited Whiskeria back when it was still called Whisk Enthusiast Monthly, said:

“It’s important to market a product like Haig Club through niche malt enthusiasm led magazines because otherwise our readers wouldn’t get an opportunity to pour as much scorn on it as they already have. It’s also important to have these magazines as a place to keep all the most tepid, secondary tier marketing, word excretion units under one umbrella of mediocrity. Otherwise people might accidentally read something they’ve written and pass out due to sheer repugnant tedium before choking on their own vomit. It’s happened before.”

Mr Crumblewick added:

“We keep Jim Sweep on because he adds an island of integrity and because he accepts payment in Pina Coladas. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to meet a Diageo rep to have the next issues opinion pieces pre-approved.” 

Jim Sweep is available for tastings and children's birthday parties.

Jim Sweep is available for tastings and children’s birthday parties.

Murdo Rupdoch said:

“At least we haven’t had to resort to tired and substandard footballers yet. We’re not at the ‘Michael Owen’ stage. We’ve invested heavily in quality of our footballers these past years to ensure supply for the future remains strong. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe the amount of cash and blow jobs we’ve given Fifa.” 

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He's really into radical feminism and believes that we should be more aware of the issues that arise from intersectionality.

He’s really into radical feminism and believes that we should be more aware of the issues that arise from intersectionality.

The accusation that the whisky industry may somehow not have full gender equality has been strongly rebuffed by all the men in charge of it. Speaking while spilling out of a leather armchair trying to eat pork scratching crumbs off his shirt, director of arse slapping at Stoat Kedgeree Sir Norman Letch said:

“This idea that the whisky industry is somehow unbalanced regarding its employment of hot women is absolute gibberish. You only have to attend one of any major whisky festivals around the world to see those lovely, feisty Ardbeg Land Girls bending over their saucy wheelbarrows. The length and breadth of this country you’ll find women employed in the whisky industry, in fact there isn’t a visitor centre cafe that doesn’t have some pretty young waitress or tour guide. I’m constantly reassured whenever I visit a distillery to know that if I order a cup of tea it will be nurtured into this world by the capable, fertile hands of a lady.”

Ardbeg = Tits

Ardbeg = Tits

Speaking from a desk in Edinburgh while listlessly trolling a feminist comedian on twitter, Fraser MacKenzie, the Scotch Whisky Arseociation’s head of workforce equality said:

“The industry employs pure tons of chicks like. Not so many in production for obvious reasons. All that yeast in their vaginas would really interfere with fermentation and stills are a bit like wombs so their natural instinct would be to put tampons in them. Or make them really cold and inaccessible, or something like that, that’s how periods work isn’t it?” 

How Periods Work. Official SWA chart 2013.

‘How Periods Work’. Official SWA chart. 2013.

Roddy MacSporran, an avid whisky collector from Glasgow assembled from ill-informed opinions and chip grease said:

“I fuckin’ hate the new Mortlachs they’re ridiculously expensive, I mean how am I expected to afford them, every bottle of whisky should cost £45. No whisky is worth more than that. I could almost tolerate it but they’ve got that Geordie Bell, or whatever her name is as their new ambassador, what’s that all about, everybody knows women can’t talk properly about whisky, they get confused and start having hysteria and then you have to strike them to snap them out of it.” 

Georgie Bell, the Mortlach brand ambassador said:

“Oh I’m sorry, did you say something, I must have been distracted by my degree in brewing and distilling and by my responsibility to globally promote one of the world’s major whisky brands. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d love to sit around in my pants spewing bitter opinions onto the internet but I’m busy being paid to fly to New York.”

Speaking through an inter-dimensional wormhole, Bessie Williamson, former owner and director of Laphroaig in the 1960s, said:

“It’s great that more women are employed in the industry nowadays but it’s still a shame to see that it remains an industry largely dominated by men. Of course my answer to anyone who questioned the role of women and whisky was always to point out that I was responsible for the production of some of the greatest whisky ever made by humans and then to point out that they were a massive bawbag and could ‘get tae fuck’.” 

She will fuck you up big time...

Nobody fucks with Bessie…

Jan Birch, a homosexual man from Drumnadrochit said:

“I’m glad I’m not a woman, they still have a tough time of it. At least there’s no shortage of gays in the industry, seriously, I still think whisky was invented as a kind of Scottish Church Of Scientology for closeted gay men, the SWA Christmas Party is like the Castro during Pride. If Tom Cruise was Scottish, I recon he’d be a Master Blender by now. Or should that be ‘master bender’ LOL!!! ” 

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The new range of Moneylach bottlings. They come in handy slimline 50cl 'arse-insertion' format.

The new range of Moneylach bottlings. They come in handy slimline 50cl ‘arse-insertion’ format.

The renowned 19th century Scottish engineer George Cowie, founder of Mortlach distillery, today created a complex inter-dimensional wormhole in his grave. Dr Elizabeth MacKenzie of Glasgow University’s Theoretical Physics club told whiskysponge journalists:

“He must have been spinning at a rate of 10 to the power 10000 in order to create such a definite and workable rift in the fabric of our universe. It’s really quite impressive. We haven’t seen anything like this since Bessie Williamson created a quantum pocket universe in the confines of her coffin after they put stainless steel washbacks into Laphroaig.” 

Diageo’s head of Marketing and Scottish Cultural Decimation Herbert Grub said:

“Here at the marketing department we like to hold people firmly by the throat and push large spoonfuls of shit into their mouths, some of it spills down their chins in runny reams of dribbly excrement but we keep going, pushing spoonful after heaped spoonful of molten poo into their throats till they begin to weep and splutter as big, frothy bubbles of shitty snot start to erupt from their nostrils. At least that’s how it is in our minds when we write things like ‘ In tribute to these distinguished pioneers, the design style of the new packaging is rooted in an engineered world, reminiscent of beautiful man-made structures, whilst also elegant, luxurious and contemporary’. That one caused a real hoot in the office.”

The new range of Moneylach bottlings will be released soonish for silly people. Meanwhile Diageo have announced further efforts in their ongoing plans to appropriate all the oak on the planet for the production of malt based distillate. Dr Ebenezer Plinth, Diageo’s chief head of things, explained while practicing his Sauron from Lord Of The Rings impersonation: 

“It’s a bold new dawn for whisky we’re entering, looking at the prices people are paying for older bottlings of our whiskies these days we have to be realistic about our new pricing structure. If people are willing to pay £600 for an old bottle of Mortlach distilled in the 1950s by a relatively large workforce utilising onsite floor maltings, long, brewer’s yeast driven fermentations, direct fired, worm tub condensed distillations and maturation in transport sherry casks and minimally treated American oak hogsheads from dunnage warehouses. Why wouldn’t they want to pay the same money for a 50cl bottle of whisky produced with mass efficiency malted modern barley fermented over 2 days by highly efficient distillers yeast and matured in some of the most active and efficient casks modern wood technology can produce in palletised warehousing from a factory run by a highly efficient computer system producing millions of litres of identical spirit every year. I mean, it’s obvious when you think about it…”

Herbert Grub added:

“To be honest it’s all pure strategy, hopefully now everyone will be so busy hating Mortlach that it’ll take the heat off this year’s Special Releases.” 

Moneylach brand ambassador Georgie Bell added:

“I’m really looking forward to dying inside a little every day…” 

They can make a bit of extra room if they get rid of that pesky pagoda. All in the spirit of engineering mind you...

They can make a bit of extra room if they get rid of that pesky pagoda. All in the spirit of engineering mind you…

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Here are some of the whisky highlights of the coming year ahead.

January

Diageo’s Manager’s Choice series receive further heavy discounts in an attempt to sell at least some bottles. Despite this stocks remain prevalent in retail for at least another five years.

February

The visitor centre sells lovely tea towels.

The visitor centre sells lovely tea towels.

The Scotch Default Whisky Society release their first cask from distillery number 133, Minge Distillery just outside Tomsk in Russia.

Fiddlers Bar in Drumnadrochit outside Inverness has it’s first annual Open Bar Night, where all whisky, food and accommodation is free. Jon Beach, somehow the owner of Fiddlers, describes the event as: “Potentially very damaging for business but almost certainly a huge laugh.”

It's all free!

It’s all free!

March

The whisky festival season begins in earnest with Whisky Live Cook Islands and Whisky Live Siberia.

Also in March Jim Murray conducts a live Twitter tasting from the bottom of the Mariana Trench in an effort to exclude all traces of food, perfume, body odour, smoke or any aroma that might infringe upon his Godlike interpretation of Bruichladdich Waves.

April

The Universal Whisky Experience 2014 takes place in Las Vegas. The show is Universal by name and by nature and as such is attended by every creed, ethnicity, age, gender and sexuality of billionaire.

Whiskysponge guest edits Whisky Magazine

May

Rob Allanson is fired as Editor of Whisky Magazine after multiple crippling lawsuits.

May 17th is International Whisky In-fighting Day. Look forward to 24 hours of bitter, petty, bitchiness, vitriol, piss-taking and general all-round misery.

World Whisky Day loyalists advance on the Glasgow Whisky Festival factions.

World Whisky Day loyalists advance on the Glasgow Whisky Festival factions.

June

Whiskybling.com publishes its 10,000th picture of a Ducati with a failed MOT.

The great 2013 Speyburn investment bubble comes to an end as secondary market values return to a more natural £15.47 per litre.

People may finally come to their senses.

People may finally come to their senses.

July

Dramboree, the Scottish version of Maltcock Festival is held for the second year running. The idea of passionate whisky lovers from all backgrounds coming together to open special bottles and share in their mutual love of whisky is transplanted successfully to Scotland as 50 Glaswegians descend on a shack somewhere in the central belt with 2 litres of Bell’s each and 40 cases of Tennent’s Lager.

'Get it doon ye!'

‘Get it doon ye!’

August

The first episode on the new series of Doctor Who starring Peter Capaldi airs on BBC1 in which the newly Scottish Doctor glasses a Cyberman with a half-consumed litre bottle of Laphroaig Quarter Cask before head-butting a Dalek. A move which henceforth becomes known as the ‘Gallifrey Kiss’.

September

The number of online whisky auction sites finally surpasses the number of distilleries in Scotland.

Macallan open a new chain of roadside distilleries.

Scotland gains independence in a historic referendum. The newly independent economy that follows is largely based upon the inevitable, inexhaustible melee of special commemorative bottlings and their years of trading at auction sites.

October

Ralfy Mitchell arm wrestles the head of the Scotch Whisky Arseociation live on Sky Sports 1 to determine whether caramel should be banned from whisky production.

A man from China realises he has bought all 2012 bottles of Macallan Diamond Jubilee. He swaps them for a jade figurine of a dragon with a massive erection from Mr Cho down at the old flea market.

November

Dalmore unveil the new ‘Black Hole’ series of bottlings as they disappear up their own arse.

It consumes everything, especially all hints of shame and common sense.

It consumes everything, especially all hints of shame and common sense.

Diageo Special Releases for 2014 are revealed along with their prices to global scenes of mass indifference:

Port Ellen 14th Release: £2300

Brora 37 Year Old: £1800

Lagavulin 12 Year Old: £80

Caol Ila ‘Unpeated’ 5 Year Old ‘Mezcal finish’ 72% abv: £65

Coleburn 1978 36 Year Old: £600

Royal Lochnagar 1990 24 Year Old Virgin Oak matured: £400

Dailuaine 1974 40 Year Old: £1200

Mortlach 30 Year Old: £500

December

Word gets out that Diageo still had two casks of Malt Mill sometime around 2009 that they managed to tip into the mass malt grave that is Johnnie Walker Blue Label.  The entire senior Diageo whisky team is sentenced to a massive punch in the face.

Jim Murray’s Whisky Bible 2015 edition is published in pop-up format with a cutout and keep Panama hat.

Victoria Shagging Barfly is finally assassinated in Glasgow, police draw up a shortlist of just over 8,000 suspects.

Who wouldn't want to...

Who wouldn’t want to…

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