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Posts Tagged ‘New Make Spirit’

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Black Bowmore 50 Year Old: the ‘redistribution’ edition.

The profits from the new release of 50 year old Black Bowmore are to be distributed equally amongst families of the poorly paid, borderline alcoholic men who actually made the whisky in the first place.

Mango Reinhardt, head of Tropical Fruit at Bowmore, said:

“Well the cask has been sitting in the warehouse for over fifty years and we basically bought some shiny bottles and wooden boxes which are a different colour to the ones we used on the last few occasions where we massively profited from the skilled labour of men who never saw proper recompense for their work. So we figured we should redress the balance this time by distributing the profits equally amongst those who made the whisky in the first place. I mean, hands up, we did kind of build a global reputation off the back of that Um Bongo flavoured nectar they were churning out back in the sixties so it does only seem fair.”

 

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“It’s just like that only our’s is ‘single fruit’…”

Ex-Bowmore distillery worker, Wee Jock MacPineapple, said:

“I’ve just had three inches of new make spirit with my morning porridge – who needs money!”

Suntory chief archivist, Dr Takeshi Maracuya, said:

“After careful study we of course now understand that Bowmore was far superior in the 1960s due to the lower production levels. This enabled far higher proportion of in house floor maltings, longer fermentations in wooden washbacks using gentle brewer’s yeast, slow and careful distillation – using direct fire prior to 1964 – and, of course, magnificent, fresh sherry casks.”

He added:

“Of course it helped that we had a workforce dosed up to the eyeballs on free new make spirit each morning. Although, this was also important as it contributed greatly to the slow pace of production and prevented them from being able to form sentences such as: ‘Can I please have a raise?’ Instead preferring to say things like: ‘I’ll tak’ a double Hamish!’.” 

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After the roaring success of Whisky Live Taiwan’s New Make Spirit masterclass with Noel Harrison and Joel Snedley – the ‘Chuckle Brothers’ of whisky – festival director Stefano Knotman has announced that next year’s festival will take place in a field in Scotland. At the time of publication the location of the field is yet to be announce but Betfred have odds of 3:1 on it taking place in Jim Murray’s personal Scottish Compost Heap just outside Musselburgh.

Mmmmmm…. Feints.

Mmmmmm…. Feints.

Speaking while crammed into a lift with fifty scantily clad Asian women specially trafficked for the occasion to help flog Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve to Taiwanese Bankers, Stefano Knotman said:

“I was totally blown away by the success of Noel & Joel’s New Make Spirit Masterclass this year. So much so that we’ve decided to just go all out balls to wind for next year’s show and just have Whisky Live Taiwan 2016 in a field in Scotland. People can chew mouthfuls of raw barley, scoop up handfuls of rain water from puddles, munch on the the hairy highland coos and as the clock strikes midnight we can indulge in the ceremonial burning of the cask. We’ll sacrifice a real live Malt Manaic inside an old refill-sherry butt to the cleansing flames of the NAS God in the sky. It would be just amazing. It would really show that age just isn’t as important as people think it is in whisky and that you can get just as much pleasure from drinking New Make Spirit or chewing on some handfuls of old draff as you can from drinking a Springbank 10 year old or a 1975 Speyburn.”

The star attractions at this year’s Whisky Live Taiwan were Noel and Joel who led the New Make Spirit ‘masterclass’. Speaking in unison like the two little girls from The Shining they told Whiskysponge:

“This is really what we’re all about. There’s nothing like the heady whiff of a New Make Spirit, everyone’s fed up with all this ageing crap, it’s totally harshing our new-whisky verve. This is the true embodiment of the brilliance of NAS. I think these people that bleat on about the NAS thing just need to get over it. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got to go and tweet gushingly at various new product launches. We are the future! Oh and please buy our book so we can stop leaving it on trains.”  

Immature, leaves a bad taste in the mouth and very much all about NAS. Also two flasks of new make spirit.

Immature, leaves a bad taste in the mouth and the embodiment of NAS. Also two flasks of new make spirit.

Phil Level, a man who stands still in the corner at Whisky Festivals and weeps like Winston Smith at the end of 1984, said:

“Well admittedly the industry has almost entirely modernised in recent decades with the instigation of centralised commercial maltings, high yielding barely strains, high-efficiency lauter mash tuns, immensely active M strain distiller’s yeast and steam heated stills with shell condensers.  But I’m sure they all taste different. I’m sure it was a fun thing and they probably do justify the use of the word ‘masterclass’. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to fire indiscriminately into crowds of pedestrians with this AK47.”

Come dram with us…forever…and ever…and ever…

Come dram with us…forever…and ever…and ever…

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The nominations for this year’s SHAM Magazine ‘Whisky Bar Of The Year’ award reveal a deeply imbedded suspicion about anything even remotely verging on rural. This year’s line up is:

The Bow Bar  –  Edinburgh

The Whiski Bar & Restaurant  –  Edinburgh

Teuchter’s Landing  –  Edinburgh

The Pot Still  –  Glasgow

It's illegal not to nominate it these days.

It’s illegal not to nominate it these days.

Speaking while cowering under a desk and rubbing herself in bits of tarmac and Edinburgh City Council information leaflets, Susie Halfling, editor of SHAM said:

“The countryside is a hideous place filled with grass and armed farmers with tractors that have spikes on their wheels and no Waitrose and pubs full of men called Jock with gnarled fingers from years of pointing and cackling at city types and absolutely no signal or internet or running water everyone in the countryside drinks new make spirit and seawater and anyone the doesn’t work in a farm runs a post office or a cafe that only sells high calorie white bread rolls and you have to have bacon with everything because bacon is legally a vegetable in the countryside and they burn vegetarians at the stake and all the pubs only serve pints of 80 Shilling or mysterious blends that no one has ever heard of and have a dungeon underneath where they put anyone who asks for a cocktail or a chamomile tea and they all vote SNP and ride down English people on horseback with claymores and have an unnatural knowledge of ‘how to fix things’ and they don’t go to school unless they’re being trained to infiltrate nice people in the city where they have to learn how to properly order a latte and subscribe to netflix and there’s probably one of them here right now oh god oh god oh god oh god breathe Susie breathe pass me that brown paper bag ………………….. Anyway, it’s not that I have anything against the countryside but the nominated bars are clearly the best Scotland has to offer. I know I said I travelled over 3000 miles in judging, but that was really just down to navigating my way around the new Trams. FUCK THE FUCKING TRAMS! I still wouldn’t live in the countryside though, I’d rather live on a tram. Actually that’s quite a cool idea.” 

They have a sister publication called TRAM

They have a sister publication called TRAM

Dwayne Peabody, a pockmarked work experience student with the complexion of an aged tissue said:

“To be honest we didn’t have a very big budget for travel this year. We spent most of it getting a return ticket to Glasgow to go and look at The Pot Still. Once we’d done that, and had a seafood lunch and a couple of bottles of Billecart-Salmon Blanc de Blanc, there wasn’t really enough left to hire a car and go and look at all the other pubs up north. Besides, the nominated ones have great whisky selections, I don’t see what the problem is, did you know that in the Whiski Bar you can try Bruichladdich Redder Still?! How amazing is that?! Some of the other nominations from up north were just plain weird, who’s heard of Glenugie? Is that a blend or something? And what exactly is a ‘Mackie’s’ isn’t that an ice cream?”

Tom Simonson, owner of a dedicated whisky bar on the west coast of Scotland said:

“I’m not saying I’m bitter. Or that they’re unfair in their selections. Or that they lack real knowledge of whisky and what it means to run a whisky bar and what a real selection and range should be about but actually come to think of it that’s exactly what I’m saying. Hang on, here comes old Jock on his bladed Tractor for his lunchtime bacon, better get his 80 shilling on the go and pour him a dram of Highland Cock. Excuse me.” 

A few pints at lunch is ok, no more than 6 or 8.

A few pints at lunch is ok, no more than 6 or 8.

 

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