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Posts Tagged ‘No Age Statement’

The continuing debate surrounding NAS whiskies and age statements has now been going on long enough that if it were a whisky it would be old enough for Diageo or Dayglo Retard to print an age statement on the label. The nauseating repetition of online debates on twitter and facetube is now expected to last well into the next century and is currently clogging up about 27.9% of the internet; 13.8% of which is related to people loudly attempting to warp the debate around their own strange opinions about single grain whisky.

It doesn't grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

It doesn’t grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

Moomin Fairweather, a gelatinous, free-form gathering of molecules, ladled from Diageo and Dayglo Retard’s cosmic marketing cauldron and set in the mould of an autonomous opinion communicator said while grating a live puppy over a bowl of kitten pasta:

“If people would just acquiesce and allow us to pump out increasingly insulting and nauseating bottlings that, at best, insult their intelligence and at worst feel like you are being forcibly upended in a porta loo that has just arrived back from a month long tour of Peruvian Chilli Festivals. If they would just accept that our pricing structures are decided by HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey and that demanding higher amounts of money for a vatting of 4 year old casks named something like ‘Stillman’s Hipflask’ or ‘Manager’s Nectar’ is here to stay. If they would just get on board with all that, accept it and then continue to trudge towards the cold earth of their grave while emptying their bank account as often as possible along the way then I think we’d all just be a little happier don’t you? Would you pass me another puppy please?”

"I'm sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I'm afraid I can't do trade discount Dave. "

“I’m sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I’m afraid I can’t do trade discount Dave. “

Roddy MacSporran, a Drumguish collector from Glasgow living in a chip-scented human shaped cage of passive aggression said:

“NAS is pure bollocks like! How come things are no like they were when Peter Purves used tae present Blue Peter and it was ok tae say ‘Nignog’ tae the Queen and you could walk down the street without having to buy a bottle of Ledaig NAS from Morrisons? What’s happened to the world? These companies are bastards like! I remember yous could buy a bottle of 25 year old Ardbeg for £3,99 in 2002 and now it’s all like fuckin Nae Age Statement Pish. Pishy Pants that’s what it is! All a bunch of fannies wie their ‘Talisker Wind’ and ‘Glenlivet Founder’s Dessert’. All pure dead baw rot if ye ask me! I recall you used tae be able tae get aw juiced up on Balvenie 30yo for 50p a dram before knocking shite out a few Celtic supporters of an afternoon! It’s aw pure arse badgers! NAS can get tae fuck, it’s a fucking conspiracy every distillery has pure hunners o 50 year old casks, they just dinnae want tae tell anyone! Every bottle of whisky should be £20 and nae less than 18 years old!” 

Godrick Massey, a flatpack word dispersion unit for Shedringtone Distillers said:

“We actually laid down some casks of Highland Park when this whole NAS debate thing kicked off. If there’s anything left in them by the time it cools down we’ll sell it for about £50,000 a bottle.” 

Here are a selection of upcoming NAS releases to look forward to including their official tag lines:

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve: ‘Not as shit as you might expect’.

Arran Balsamico: ‘Italy comes home.’

Laphroaig Select II : ‘Just when you thought it was over…!’

Ledaig Ta Ra Ma Salata : ‘Gaelic for “Jings I’ve got crabs” ‘

Auchentoshan Bland : ‘All the usual lack of flavour and less’

Highland Park Chunder : ‘The anorexic Orcadian’s choice’

Karuizawa Kerrrrching: ‘Money the easy way’

Speyburn Bradan Oral : ‘Your Dentist’s favourite’

Dalmore Apprentice : ‘Paterson’s Protégé’

Clynelish Waxwork : ‘Madame Tussaud’s in a glass’

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JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!

The continuing row over the merits and detractions of No Age Statement (NAS) whiskies today finally reached ‘Scottish Independence Referendum’ levels of utter tedium as yet more secondary tier, industry flunkies accused anyone who dared to voice criticism of NAS whiskies of being hopeless amateur idiots who had no idea about proper whisky things and should just keep their silly, ignorant mouths shut.

Barry Compost, head of the ‘Blended Together’ campaign that supports NAS whiskies said whilst drinking Macallan Gold through a straw from a bucket:

“I’m sick of all these fucking people banging on about how ‘age’ or ‘maturity’ are somehow important to whisky. I tasted Glengoyne 40 year old yesterday and it was exactly like a 10 year old Glenmorangie, in fact, if you drink them side by side, upside down in some pulsing nightclub hellhole then it’s incredibly difficult to tell them apart. All these idiots who go on and on about how NAS whiskies are potentially misleading or a cynical excuse to charge more money for something younger, cheaper and easier to produce are just rank amateurs with zero comprehension of how the modern whisky industry works. Just because part of my income rests upon me saying all the nice things that the industry wants/tells me to say, it has no impact on my impartial and rock solid independent stance on these matters!”

'I can't believe it's not NAS'

‘I can’t believe it’s not NAS’

Tom Simonson, a part-time, self-confessed whisky commentator and head of the NO campaign against NAS whiskies said:

“I don’t work in the industry but I have tried a LOT of whiskies of all kinds of ages, cask types, eras and distilleries and I find that the greatest whiskies exhibit a degree of balance and complexity with numerous tertiary aromas and characteristics that just cannot be derived from anything except real maturity in a good cask. There are terrific whiskies at 5, 8 and 10 years of age but these tend to be the exceptions rather than the rule. I find the best whiskies tend to be aged between 12-25 years, I don’t want to drink old whisky all the time, nor am I deluded enough to think that is possible, some are far too old indeed, but I like good whisky, I want to taste distillery character and maturity in harmony. I don’t dislike NAS whiskies, I think the basic concept can lead to great experimentation and potentially great drams, Aberlour A’bunadh, Balvenie Tun 1401, Ardbeg Uigeadail, these are all great, but their greatness lies in skilful use of mature stock in balance with the vibrancy of some younger casks. It’s sad that so many companies are increasingly relying on NAS to use young spirits brought up to speed with over-excessive wood technology that lack subtlety and elegance and is really a cynical way to sell an inferior product at a higher price. Of course it’s not all of them, but it is an increasing trend. It seems to me that with whisky, as with all things in life, the key is balance, as is the case with this argument, there is no clear cut definite answer over NAS whiskies, they have positives and detractors like all things, we should celebrate the great ones and lament the ones that do whisky a disservice. But then what do I know, I don’t get paid by the industry to create second tier, falsely independent commentary on a paid for brand platform masquerading as a blog, I’m just an amateur.” 

The row about NAS whiskies is anticipated to intensify over the next few months until everyone votes to have all participants from both sides lured into a vat of Loch Dhu by Scarlett Johansson from whence their pickled brains will be harvested to make a rudimentary soil fertiliser used to grow a special strain of barley which will form the basis of a new NAS Bruichladdich Valinch in anywhere from 3-11 years time.

That last bit is only funny if you've seen Under The Skin, which is in cinemas now so you've no excuse.

That last bit is only funny if you’ve seen Under The Skin, which is in cinemas now so you’ve no excuse.

 

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