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Posts Tagged ‘Nuclear War’

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World drops hints to America it might be time for sequel to JFK assassination.

Whisky – a malt based distillate from various Celtic countries – has taken the opportunity to confirm that this particular situation is exactly the sort of thing it exists for. As Vladimir Putin was elected President of the USA, via a Woman-engulfing, orange, Womble scrotum Proxy named Donald J Trump, Whisky took the occasion to say:

“You thought Brexit, or the continued rise of cheap populism, hard right ideologies, new political divisions hardening along racial lines, the failure of liberalism, mainstream politic’s poor stewardship of Globalism and surging nationalism were the sort of thing that made you reach for a glass of me – you ain’t seen nothing yet bitches!”

As the United States of America combined their national tradition of super-sizing with the  popular past time of self-harm, the world enacted a collective, subconscious grasp towards the nearest bottle of malt whisky.

Whisky needer Fergus Weir said:

“Obviously it’s Scotch. Americans will need all their own whiskeys for molotov cocktails in the quite near future I suspect.” 

Angry, disenfranchised midwestern man, Larry Jackson, who has seen his wages stagnate over the past few years said:

“I understand this has been a divisive election. I appreciate that electing Putin’s Wank Glove as POTUS is not a result which will immediately unite the nation. But, remember the alternative was a big, menstruating death female getting in the White House and ruining everything with her terrifying, sabre-toothed vagina! Anyway, America will be great again in a few weeks and then everything will go back to normal just like the 1950s. Personally I’m looking forward to the bits where we can tell black people to get off the bus again.”

Whisky added:

“To all those people who like to try and date old bottles of me by radio carbon dating. At least now there will soon be a second major definable radiation signature on stocks of me around the world. It’ll be pre-Hiroshima, post-Trump or ‘that middle bit’…” 

 

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You can drink whisky while a Macallan warehouseman cuts your hair using a flogger and a bung extractor.

You can drink whisky while a Macallan warehouseman cuts your hair using a flogger and a bung extractor.

Whiskysponge journalists have learned that the new Macallan ‘Lifestyle’ Lounge just set up in Harrod’s is actually a secret government sting operation designed to help rid norther Europe of it’s current infestation of wankers, ponces, twats, arseholes, dickheads, Coldplay fans and overly-monied, self-obsessed, scum bags. The information was revealed by an anonymous covert MI5 operative codenamed ‘NAS Dangerwood’ who spoke to whiskysponge journalists by crafting elaborate sentences out of torn up Starbucks sugar sachets and passing them through our office letterbox. They said:

“Operation Fine Oak is set to run. We realised late last year while watching an episode of Made In Chelsea that we had to do something about the global spread of wankerism. All out nuclear war was batted around the office for a while but a couple of the guys had holidays planned for January and global conflict does have an unfortunate tendency to wreak havoc on domestic flight schedules. Then we dabbled with the idea of eugenics but it’s just a tad too retro these days. Finally some bright spark came up with the idea of creating some sort of lure, a ‘wanker trap’ if you will. Obviously Harrod’s in London was the perfect location, grand wank-ville central, only this trap needed some honey to bait it. We pondered for hours until we decided to go to the pub whereupon ordering a whisky I accidentally read the blurb on the back of a bottle of Macallan Gold and it was as if my entire life had been leading up to that moment, wanker-bait in it’s purest, most uncut form. Needless to say when we rang Macallan the next day they were well up for it. Obviously we didn’t tell them the bit about the wanker trapping. Although I think they know it, you know, in their hearts. Sort of.” 

It takes a lot of ice to sufficiently kill the flavour

It takes a lot of ice to sufficiently kill the flavour

The new Macallan Luxury Lounge has been carefully designed to net an extensive variety of wankers and toss-pots from all corners of the globe who happen to pass through. Some of it’s main features include.

1. Staring at your bank balance through the base of a needlessly heavy branded crystal tumbler cut by Scottish peasant folk from a council house in Dunfermline.

2. Doing a comparative tasting between a glass of Macallan Amber and a pair of outrageously uncomfortable and over-priced Italian leather shoes.

3. Talking loudly and crassly about how the new Macallan Gold edition is ‘like totally great yeah right because it’s been like so totally double-malted like’.

4. A large floor length mirror so you can have some time for just ‘me and my Macallan’.

5. A grimacing, underpaid waiting attendant of varying ethnic diversity you can slap on the back occasionally and have ‘total banter’ with, thus giving you an inflated sense that you’re somehow just such a fucking brilliant person.

6. A one-to-one session with a Macallan Bland Ambassador on how to properly tweet about Macallan in a self-congratulatory manner.

It's pronounced 'Erm..?'

It’s pronounced ‘Erm..?’

 

Brian M Decanter, one of Macallan’s new autonomous ‘Replica’ series of Bland Ambassadors said whilst absent-mindedly eating his own tie:

“It’s no doubt going to be a huge success. This is one of the most exciting things we’ve done as a company since we did the thing before, whatever that was. We’ve already had a lot of very satisfied and enthusiastic people come through the door. Only this morning I was talking to a lovely young woman called Magenta who tells me Gold, Amber, Sienna and Ruby are the perfect names for her newly adopted Syrian quadruplet children. In a way I like to think that it’s in ways such as this that Macallan is making the world a better place.” 

Agent NAS Dangerwood added through the medium of butter-moulded semaphore:

“It’s working perfectly, we lure them in with the promise of vague and vapid lifestyle shiz, then have them quietly and humanely put to sleep with a large measure of Macallan Gold.” 

 

 

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