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Posts Tagged ‘Octomore’

Whiskysponge was supposed to write a preview of the Whisky Show 2016, due to a rift in the space time continuum, however, here is Whiskysponge’s preview of the 2116 Whisky Show. It will be of little use to you however, as the vast majority of you will perish agonisingly in the coming  global Climate Wars of the 2030s. Have a nice day.

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The venue for this year’s show will be the evocative, historic and beautiful wreckage plains of the 2069 series of Robot Wars. 

This year’s Whisky Show promises – in the words of The Whisky Exchange team – to be the best yet. An impressive feat as it will be the 107th consecutive year in a row that the show has been ‘better than the previous year’. Apart of course from the great Speyburn blight of the 2070s that we, of course, are no longer supposed to talk about.

This year is also important as it marks the imminent defrosting of Sukhinder Singh. Cryogenically frozen in 2076; scientists now finally believe they have found a cure for being ‘crushed repeatedly by a pallet of Boutique-y Whisky Company Batch 398 Drumguish’. The uploaded mind of Willy Bishop spoke to Whiskysponge about his feelings on the matter:

“Of course I am looking forward to the return of the Overlord. (bleepbleepbleepcoremeltdownimminent) In particular my favourite bit will be the decades long blood harvest retribution. (000011110011011101010101101111000) Some people say it was a mistake to have him seeded with sentient femto technology, but the instantaneous eradication of 98% of London’s Uber drivers was a small price to pay for that time he transformed Elixir House into a Borg Cube for my 83rd birthday.(111111humanfleshisagateway0010100110) Anyway, I’ve still got my memory loops crossed that he just wakes up and has actually become Zapp Brannigan. Chilton is already basically Kif. (bleeptheyhavebeenhereamongusformanyyears11111100000001111111errorctrlaltdelete)”

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Willy Bishop

To find out about some of the highlights of this year’s show, Whiskysponge caught up with the 135 year old Dr Chilton. We find him singlehandedly stocking the show shop at 3am the night before it is due to start.

“I’m hoping that now His Imperial Cask Strength Majesty will finally soon be awoken that I’ll be able to get a pay rise. I’ve been on £25,000 a year since 2011 without a raise. And Stirling isn’t even legal tender anymore. I have to take it to Schools and implant it into the Hatchlings memory banks as ‘historic artefact’  in order to get it converted to Quantum Groats. Thing is, it’ll fall to me to bloody tell him that his collection of 230,000 bottles of outstandingly beautiful old whisky all evaporated by the mid 2080s. Hopefully he can learn to love empty bottles…”

When pressed Dr Chilton said:

“This year The Distillery has kindly agreed to produce some exceptionally rare examples from the archive. The NicholasMorgan Hive Mind has spawned some 1970s White Horse Blend – with the extra vegetal old bottle effect enhanced by Bovril – and agreed to recreate the Lagavulin Matrix again – although the version with Pinky’s Warehouse Tour will cost an extra trillion quantum groats. And then of course there will be Professor Jill Bumsden’s head in a tank which show attendees will be able to skinny dip in.” 

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Sukhinder ‘Galactic Cask Harbinger’ Singh (left) and Dr Chilton (right).

Special bottlings which attendees will be able to download at the show are as follows:

The Distillery : Replicator Code 1164 : Glenburgie 25 year old

The Distillery : Replicator Code 2990 : Springbank CV style

The Distillery : Replicator Code 86 : Haig Club 2020 ‘pre-Lineker’ Beckham Era Special

The Distillery : Replicator Code 69 : Macallan Replica Replica Replica

Karuizawa 1983 Cask 84 Sherry Butt. (Note: this cask is being held in a pocket universe and may not be ready in time for the show. Please register in advance if you’d like to download a bottle. Anyone travelling from beyond the local Galactic cluster simply to acquire a bottle will be inverted into dark energy and placed in Universe 47b until the queue clears)

The Whisky Exchange’s Head Of Sarcasm and Brand Ambassador for the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range, Limoncella Morano, said while gracefully pulling a fresh skin suit over her Plutonian steel synth frame:

“This year we really want to go back to our roots with the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range. So we’ll be going totally retro and using a bottle that people can actually touch. Sadly my flesh-memory was unable to be harvested into my log drives after the Great Climate War of 2034, so we don’t really know what we were using prior to that date. So we’ve opted for a special presentation based on a nerve gas canister we found three feet down in DeathField 445/b – I believe it used to be called ‘Campbeltown’ – anyway it’s really great and even has a special app where you can chose how quickly the whisky inside evaporates.” 

Limoncella Morano added:

“Don’t forget to tell me how amazing my hair looks. Ciao!” 

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Limoncella Morano, pictured here without her skin suit.

This year’s guests of the show are George Grant, Charlie MacLean and Mark Watt. Guests are advised not to approach them as they have collectively drunk themselves to an isotopic half-life of over 2000 years.

Show masterclasses to look out for are:

1: The Thawing Of Sukhinder Singh. Presented by Elf Benderson of Disaster Of Malt. Elf plans to use a combination of vintage hair dryers, dark matter cocktail bitters and something called a ‘George Forman Grill’ to re-awaken His Vengeful Omniscience. Attendees will be able to download a special commemorative Boutique-y Whisky Co Singhle Malt replicated for the occasion by The Distillery.

2: Glenmorangie A Star. With Professor Jill Bumsden’s Head In A Tank. The Professor will guide us step by step through her special new creation. A remarkable new Glenmorangie matured in casks heavily toasted by exposure to the gravitationally suspended supernova of a collapsing Red Dwarf. The tasting was described by scotchwhisky.quark as “It’s always about fucking space with her!”

3: Past Masterpieces. This year’s headline tasting hosted by Dave Broom Version 3.8 Vista will offer attendees the once in a lifetime chance to taste some remarkably old bottles from decades gone by which showcase how whisky would have tasted to our forebears. The line-up includes:

Strathearn 3 year old

Ardbeg Rollercoaster

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve

Octomore 9.0 McEwan’s Toothpaste Legacy

Daftmill 42 year old Inaugural Release

Door Knock Ginsky ‘Simon’s Revenge’

Little is known about these ancient and remarkable bottles. Tickets to this tasting are strictly limited and available only to beings of Dimension Five or higher. Six Quadrillion Quantum Groats per person.

 

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It’s that time of year again when the Isle of Islay is temporarily driven several inches deeper into the Atlantic Ocean by the weight of thousands of whisky nerds arriving from all over the world to celebrate the beautiful drink of whisky by queuing outside their favourite distilleries. With this year’s festival promising to be one of the silliest so far Whiskysponge has put together a selection of this year’s highlights .

1: The Second Annual Jimbob Paterson Retirement Tasting

Set to be an annual highlight of the Feis Ile, Jimbob Paterson has commendably retired for a second year running. This year’s retirement tasting pulled out all the stops with Jimbob being lowered into warehouse 12 on a crane while dressed as Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid and shooting live ammunition over the heads of the adoring 500 strong crowd of his devout followers beneath. Jimbob then proceeded to black up in the guise of his favourite folk artist Kanye West and was joined by Robin Laing for a stirring rendition of the song ‘The Chainsmokers’ where Robin had demonstrated his usual mastery of song craft by replacing the word ‘smokers’ with ‘distillers’. Jimbob then launched into a 3 hour tirade against marketing before forcing everyone to drink half a litre of Virgin Oak matured Octomore and making the entire audience purchase a case of the Black Art valinch at gunpoint. After this he promptly stripped down to a pair of speedos that said ‘Dolphin Hunter’ before plunging head first into Lochindaal before the ambulance arrived to attend to the wounded and the vomiting.

Bruichladdich’s head of clearing up after Jimbob, Simon Coughsyrup, described the event as:

“…at least more pleasurable than drinking that XX Barolo thing from a few years back.” 

It was a toss up between that or just going with Baloo The Bear again.

It was a toss up between that or just going with Baloo The Bear again.

2: The Marcel ‘Markymark’ Van Gillette & Hans ‘Chewy’ Cockringa Book Thing At Laphroaig

Laphroaig have successfully continued their year long apology for Select under the flimsy guise of a ‘bicentenary’ by allowing comedy Dutchmen Marcel ‘Markymark’ Van Gillete and Hans ‘Chewy’ Cockringa to rewrite their last book without all the mistakes and subliminal Dutch pornography. Over the course of several ticketed events at the distillery throughout the Festival they have revealed some of the many pictures of sexy tour guides taken secretly by Marcel on his selfie stick that failed to make the book. Along with Hans detailed descriptions of their research which has uncovered Bessie Williamson’s secret designs for a tropical fruit powered Jetpack and John Campbell’s audition tape for the role of Begbie in Trainspotting. Lucky attendees to these presentations had the opportunity to see pictures of Marcel’s pre-Boer War collection of Laphroaig and to have their teeth extracted without anaesthetic.

Hans and Marcel's book will be available to order from Pornhub and the 'Friends Shop' in November.

Hans and Marcel’s book will be available to order from Pornhub and the ‘Friends Shop’ in November.

3: The Annual Lagavulin Queue/Fight

This year’s festival release from Lagavulin was a 1991 24 year old also known as the ‘No Brainer’ edition. The queue was one of the most impressive yet and attracted Queue Watchers from as far afield as Bahrain, Quatar and Dunstable. Neddy Loveblow from The Whisky Lounge – also an avid queue watcher – described the event in detail:

“It’s a remarkable queue, one of the best I’ve seen in terms of length, girth and monotony. The way the Germans in particular bustled with each other in deep, simmering frustration was both arousing and captivating. I’ve made extensive notes in my queue diary if you’d like to read them in more detail in my mobile command centre later on…?”

The queue was live blogged by Germany Ebay watcher and professional righteousness merchant Oliver Kermit who managed a commendable level of disgust at the number of people selling the bottles. Noting thusly:

“It’s a complete disgrace, all these people buying and selling these bottles. It’s as if they actually WANT to make some money. I personally have never stooped so low as to actually buy a bottle of whisky!” 

The annual Lagavulin investment pilgrimage 2015.

The annual Lagavulin investment pilgrimage 2015.

Criticised for selling delicious old Lagavulin too cheaply Dr Nick Morgan, Diageo’s chief human shield said:

“You people are all literally fucking impossible. Go fuck yourselves! Just fuck the fuck off and leave me the fuck alone! Next year it’ll be a bottle of NAS spirit caramel with a smear of hedgehog shit for a label!” 

Dr Nick

Dr Nick

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1: Did you know… that Colin Dunnage was only given the Malts Ambassador job at Diageo when they realised the Biker Mice From Mars were actually fictional characters.

2: Did you know… Ian Logan from Glenlivet is actually a failed clone of René from classic 1980s British sitcom Allo Allo.

It just didn't work.

It just didn’t work.

3: Did you know… in the 1980s Glenturret Distillery built a turret and enslaved a Romanian teenager called Rapunzel in the top chamber in what many now regard as the second worst marketing stunt in the history of whisky. Only narrowly superseded by the blatant use of Michael Owen.

4: Did you know… the ‘aftershave’ that Macaulay Culkin hilariously slapped onto his pre-pubescent chops in Home Alone was actually 1980s Speyburn new make spirit. Hence his genuine scream of agony at having wasted a potentially lucrative investment for his burgeoning whisky portfolio (which he would later swap entirely for heroin in 2011).

5: Did you know… Victoria Shagging Barfly is now available as an app.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

6: Did you know… Glenlivet distillery is only open to visitors one day a year. The day changes annually and no one knows when it will actually be. Anyone who shows up on the day it is actually open is allowed to taste their 12 year old and be accompanied to the bathroom by a member of staff.

7: Did you know… Kevin Keegan was once the official ‘mouser’ at Scapa.

8: Did you know…  Former Chancellor of the Exchequer and unionist pin-up Alisdair Darling’s eyebrows are that colour because of Loch Dhu.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

9: Did you know… Neddy Loveblow of The Whisky Lounge keeps up to 12 different Barry Manilow cassette tapes in his beard at all times.

10: Did you know… Oliver Kermit’s new blog ‘Today’s Fine Food’ is used by capitalists as a motivational web based resource for starving children in the Sudan.

11: Did you know… Professor Jill Bumsden can survive unaided in a fermenting washback for up to 17 minutes for reasons science can not yet wholly explain.

12: Did you know… Jasper Clementine once came 7th in the 1993 Annual Turckheim Professor Calculus Lookalike Competition.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

13: Did you know… The Cadenhead’s shop in Edinburgh is the only place in the known universe where the time continuum is completely static.

14: Did you know… the manager of Glenkinchie knows a guy who once shook hands with some bloke who once had a go of the gun that shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

15: Did you know… the Glasgow Whisky Company got the idea for calling their new release of whisky from another distillery – which is totally not just a dressed up independent bottling – ‘Prometheus’ by getting utterly baked on cheap weed one night and throwing fridge magnets at Ridley Scott films.

16: Did you know… Diageo invented and patented the Gaelic language in 1983.

17: Did you know… Most norse mythology is based on Highland Park bottlings.

18: Did you know… Whiskysponge’s resident reviewer Giuseppe Linguini once spent 87 hours in an ex-fino sherry puncheon hiding from Mickey Heads when he was manager of Jura after Giuseppe sold him a Ford Cortina with two and a half cardboard break disks.

19: Did you know… Jasper Clementine has patented the use of the aroma ‘Kumquats’ in tasting notes and will instigate legal action against anyone that uses it. Despite the fact that it is a fictitious fruit that has yet to be proven to exist outside of Waitrose.

20: Did you know… Dark Mollesty of Whiskyshaft once urinated in a cask of Octomore while Jimbob Paterson was emptying the magazine of a Tech 9 at passing seagulls in warehouse 3 at Bruichladdich.

It was later described by Jimbob as 'an undeniable improvement'.

It was later described by Jimbob as ‘an undeniable improvement’.

21: Did you know… Anthony Spills of Kilchoman personally incubates each cask of his whisky by sitting on it for at least 24 hours.

22: Did you know… Jimbob Paterson still believes he is Distillery Manger at Bowmore and has given at least 37 interviews in that capacity. All of which have been described charitably as ‘incomprehensible’.

23: Did you know… Damon Albarn of Blur once interviewed for the job of manager at Longmorn Distillery but was told his lack of confidence with augmented chords in his songwriting was what ultimately cost him the job.

24: Did you know… Richard McEwen of Whyte & MacKay once went total ape shit and tried to force feed Nick Morgan a crate of Bananas. Nick had to later be treated for excessive potassium intake.

25: Did you know… Internationally hated Laphroaig hoarder Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills has had his house raided on 17 occasions by the Dutch Police’s Tropical Fruit Enforcement Task Force. All of whom were bribed with platinum fillings.

HIs kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

His kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

26: Did you know… Before Ardbeg decided to put whisky in space they attempted to send some of Mary’s Clootie Dumpling but the rocket had insufficient fuel capacity and thrust to propel the pudding into orbit. It was described by renowned NASA astrophysicist Dr Herbert Drag as “Dense as fuck!” .

27: Did you know… Scotland is the only country in the world where Jan Birch lives.

28: Did you know… Dark Mollesty has presented over 88 episodes of Whiskyshaft while utterly off hit tits on crack.

29: Did you know… Speyburn’s old mashtun will be sent to Balcones distillery in the USA where it will be used as a secure chamber in which to store Chip Tait.

30: Did you know… Liam Buxton’s latest book ‘101 Whiskies To Try While Breaking The World Record For Most Pork Scratchings Gnawed Directly From A Live Pig’, was sponsored by North Korea.

31: Did you know… The Papal Archives in the Vatican contain over 22 unpublished tasting notes by Jim Murray for which the world is not yet ready.

32: Did you know… Peter Capaldi’s recent critically acclaimed turn as Doctor Who was based entirely on Iain Henderson’s last day as Distillery Manager at Laphroaig.

33: Did you know… The film ‘Event Horizon’ was inspired by the minutes of a marketing strategy conference call at Dayglo Retard.

34: Did you know… Jim Sweep once fashioned a quill out of his own hair in order to sign a copy of his book about closed Glasgow distilleries ‘Pure Dead Whisky’ using one of the six Pina Coladas he was drinking as ink.

35: Did you know… Andrew Symington has had Edradour Distillery exorcised on 14 separate occasions by 3 different Popes.

36: Did you know… Amrut Single Malt is actually made in a shed in Basingstoke by a woman named Henrietta Clump.

37: Did you know… the legendary whisky writer Michael Jackson was actually also Michael Jackson the international music star. Don’t believe us? You try and find a photo of them together…

38: Did you know… The word ‘Karuizawa’ means ‘laughing all the way to the bank’ in the native dialect of ancient Norfolk.

39: Did you know… Ralfy is bringing out a new brand of whisky flavoured Condoms called ‘Malt Mates’. They will be available in ‘NAS’, ‘Un-Chilfiltered’ and ‘Cask Strength’. Ralfy is keen to stress they will all be natural colour.

40: Did You Know… the people responsible for the Michael Owen ‘Spey’ whisky campaign are now wanted in over 62 countries around the world on charges including: ‘treason’, ‘disturbing the peace’, ‘grievous bodily harm’, ‘assault with a deadly weapon’, ‘incentive to riot’, ‘crimes against humanity’, ‘wilful lack of self-awareness’, ‘terrorism’, ‘poisoning’, ‘attempted murder’, ‘obscenity’, ‘attempting the sale of deadly substances’ and ‘coercion of a minor’.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

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Five bottles, three beers. It's like looking at the Royal Family on a balcony.

Five bottles, three beers. It’s like looking at the Royal Family on a balcony.

Exponentially expanding marketing company Brewdog have announced that they are to branch out into distillation using heat for a change. One of Brewdog’s conjoined CEOs Jimmy Volt said while eating a bowl of hops with a spoon:

“We’ve been re-packaging three American beers for several years now. Basically there’s the light, zingy, hoppy one, the mouth-shrivellingly hoppy high alcohol one and the very strong black one that tastes as if it was matured in a disused coal mine for three years. We’ve already tried distillation for quite sometime by freezing the fuck out of some of the strong black beers we made and shaving off the ice so that they reach ‘spirit’ level strengths. That was the impetus behind beers like ‘Testicle Neutered Benylin’ and ‘Wank The Wizzmark’. However it turns out that apparently you can heat beer up in what’s called a ‘still’ and it does pretty much the same thing. I know ‘fuuuuuunnnnnkkkky’ right?! Anyway that’s what we’re going to do.”

The Chuckle Brothers of the beer world.

The Chuckle Brothers of the beer world.

Marty McWilly, Jimmy’s co-marketeer at Brewdog, said while shooting a can of Tennent’s in the face with a blunderbuss full of hops:

“We’re aiming to have the highest HPM (‘Hops Per Marketing’) of any spirit ever. It’ll be like Octomore except instead of peat smoke and maritime flavours it’ll taste like a washing machine full of out of date cannabis. HIGH FIVE GUYS!” 

Brewdog pride themselves on carefully produced craft beer made at one of their two fifty acre beer refineries. New releases scheduled for this month include:

‘Tartan Trouser Stargate’ : An IPA made with lots of hops at 6%abv that has a completely different label to Punk IPA.

‘God Save The Bovril Squad’ : A impenetrably black stout made with treacle, volcanic glass, aubergines, bits of actual space and marmite. And hops. 17% abv.

‘General Mustard & The Hoppos : A new breed of IPA made with hops and a picture of a hippo on the label. 11% abv.

‘pHoppy’ : Brewdog’s wacky IPA tribute to the millions of men who perished a century ago in the trenches of the 1st World War. 10% abv.

‘Savillian Oversight’ : A satirical IPA bottled in response to the unexplained mass disappearance of official files on historical sexual abuse cases. 4% abv.

Jimmy Volt added while casually brewing a 70% abv beer specifically to irritate the Daily Mail:

“We’re millionaires now so I’m not actually aware anymore of what we’re doing. I just put on my marketing y-fronts in the morning when I clamber off the large pile of hops I sleep on and go out into the world and say shit until more money appears. Thankfully people seem happy to lap it up like hungry dogs in a puke factory. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to write a blurb for a new beer that utilises today’s buzz words which are ‘edgy’, ‘confrontational’, ‘care-free’ and ‘cunnilingus’.” 

Silly Beer + Angry Daily Mail - Angry Article In Daily Mail = SALES = MONEY! (actually clever)

Silly Beer + Angry Daily Mail – Angry Article In Daily Mail = SALES = MONEY! (actually clever)

Dr Fergus MacDiesel, a Brewdog disciple, said while casually drinking his 17th pint of Punk IPA:

“The world has been waiting for this. It’s like the second coming of Jesus, except with a far more expansive and rewarding drinks reception. I’ve been a Brewdog fan since I had my first bottle way back in 2007. I’ve got a tattoo that gets me a discount and I’ve got a syringe so that I can inject 330ml of Hardcore IPA into my thigh in case I start getting hop withdrawal symptoms at any point, usually when I’m driving long distances or doing a particularly frustrating brain operation. Anyway, I’m off to shit into an envelope and post it to the CAMRA headquarters. God I love this Punk IPA, I’ll just have a couple more pitchers before I go.” 

 

 

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There's draff EVERYWHERE!

There’s draff EVERYWHERE!

The latest Bruichladdich release has been unveiled as ‘Whisky Of Mash Destruction’. The bottling commemorates the recent explosion of the distillery’s mash tun. The company’s director of having a right good boisterous time of it Simon Coughsyrup said while perched on top of a wine barrel with a frothy pint of Finlaggan:

“Jimbob went a bit too far with the phenol count this time. According to the lab report, the latest batch of Octomore we were working on had such a high phenol content it passed briefly through an entirely new state of matter, then spent a short time as some incredibly heavily peated crystal meth before creating a medium sized thermo-phenol explosion. The mushroom cloud has given everyone on the Rhinns that peat reek tang to their washing that the tourists love so much. I came home to find a flock of Germans chewing the socks on my washing line. No harm done though, I just shoed them away, they’re more scared of you than you are of them you know.” 

The distillery’s Grand High Spirit Pope Jimbob Paterson said in a statement:

“This is a sad day for the people of Islay, just thinking about the number of bottlings that we’ll be wringing out of this one is already causing many of them to have nervous breakdowns. I’ve already instigated the first Valinch, it’ll be called Remains Of The Mash: Volume One. It’ll come with a free CD of me whispering inspiring asides to myself in a warehouse interspersed with tape loops of the mash tun being rend asunder by the mighty force of the Octomore we were attempting to produce. I’m looking forward to the label as well, we’ve already got our work experience student Janine drawing one up on Microsoft Paint as we speak.” 

There's...just...so...many...

There’s…just…so…many…

Production at Bruichladdich is expected to begin again in March as soon as Duncan McGillivray can weld together an entirely new mashtun from scratch. Simon Coughsyrup explained:

“In keeping with our philosophy of everything being local here at Bruichladdich we’ll be mining the ore for the new mashtun here on Islay just outside Port Charlotte. Some of the lads are a little unhappy about having to drill several kilometres into the Earth’s crust but at least we’ll have a big hole afterwards into which we can pour and then seal off most of the remaining cases of Black Art. That way they’ll never darken the lives of our children and their children’s children.” 

The lads had to put in a fair bit of overtime for this one.

The lads had to put in a fair bit of overtime for this one.

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