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It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.

Masterclasses

Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!

 

 

 

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The owner is so rich they just leave their bottle outside at night.

The owner is so rich they just leave their bottle outside at night.

The long rumoured Brora 40 Year Old was finally confirmed yesterday to scenes of global pathos among whisky lovers. Whisky connoisseur Phil Level, a man so bitter he has hops in his bloodstream, said of the new release:

“Of all the whiskies I’ve been looking forward to never trying this has got to be up there with Malt Mill and Parkmore. Obviously Diageo love and respect their aged stocks of whisky which is why they want them to be solely available to Russian Oligarchs and Arabian oil barons who will no doubt fully appreciate every drop of this Brora as they allow it to cascade from the hands of a child sex slave over their writhing, fetid nudity on some exquisite yet hauntingly lonely yacht somewhere in international waters. I mean all that stuff they say each year when they dribble out a few more of their precious Special Releases with the air of some self-righteous charitable misers, about ‘we want people to drink our whisky’, that’s not hypocritical of them at all.”

The new Brora comes shortly after Diageo announced plans to double capacity at Clynelish and numerous other ‘sites’ around Scotland. Diageo’s director of Travel Retail & Middle East Expansionism, Big White Steve said:

“What’s so wonderful about these older whiskies is that you can taste so much more character in them derived from a much slower, more careful and hands on production process. You get a far more authentic sense of their origins, location and a real sense that they were actually made by people. It’s a shame in a way that we’ve pretty much eradicated that entirely now as almost all our distilleries are just massive, identical factories. All churning out similar spirit controlled by a central computer with one, or maybe two actual workers if you’re lucky. OH SHIT! Bad Steve, BAD STEVE, that’s wrong, big man told us not to say the naughty truthful words, silly silly Steve been a naughty boy and made a big wordpoo! Err… what is it what is it OH YES… Great bottling, nice packaging, very special, elite, for collectors, made of wood, highly sought after, special, traditional, special Diageo make nice thing, put on wall, make happy times, actually quite cheap, fizzzzzzz error error error error….”

Phil Level added:

“Still, 59.1%, that’s pretty impressive. And at least with all the money they make from selling the 40 year old they can now finally get underway with restarting Brora.”

The legendary Brora Whisky Factory. Back when factories were smaller and run by actual people.

The legendary Brora Whisky Factory. Back when factories were smaller and run by actual people.

Diageo’s Chief Head Of Things Dr Ebenezer Plinth responded:

“LOL!”

 

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Soho based merchants in whisky and assorted erotic finery announced last night that they would be basically just buying all the whisky as of now. Speaking from a hot tub full of fizzy single cask Parkmore while stroking a po-faced white cat and knocking back her 17th banana daiquiri, Berlinda Binge, chief of TWSC said:

“While an annual turnover of around 45 million pounds could be seen as a modicum of business success I’ve basically got to the point that I’m so bored of dealing with all the frivolous competition and hangers on that I think we might just buy all the whisky.” 

The girl knows how to take a banana or two.

The girl knows how to take a banana or two.

Plans have since been initiated to vat the entirety of Scotland’s stock of bonded whisky into one massive super vat which will be bottled on a ‘pay per bottle’ basis. Ms Binge continued…

“We’ll probably call it ‘Sexchange Special’, either that or ‘Scotch Lube’, I haven’t decided yet. Once Scotland’s empty we’ll move onto Japan, then the States, then Ireland, and possibly Canada if we get really bored. Obviously we won’t bother with all that ‘world whisky’ pish as, lets not kid ourselves here, it’s mostly crap. We’re basically going to be like the Aliens from Independence Day except that instead of a vast army of cloned minions my entire company is run my me, my sister and three gibbering nervous wrecks in the office who do pretty much everything else. I like to keep them on their toes by sending them emails at 4 in the morning demanding they design an entirely new range of erotic, whisky-themed, crotchless lounge wear before sunrise.” 

The hunt is now on for a large enough space in which to vat the millions of casks still in bond across Scotland. A spokesman for the Scottish Government described the situation as: ‘A good excuse to finally eradicate Motherwell.’

It must be destroyed

It must be destroyed

Meanwhile Roddy MacSporran, a festering human cul-de-sac of bitterness and owner of a small whisky shop in Linlithgow called’ MacSporran’s Whisky Warren’ said:

“Fuck that Whisky Sexchange by the way! How am a supposed tae do business wie that bitch getting all the fucking allocations? Where’s ma fucking allocations? See they special releases right, ah ken that she got 7000 bottles of the Port Ellen 13th release, they did a separate bottling just tae keep her fucking happy. Also, everyone knows that some big fucking bigshot from Diageo goes round there and gives her a foot massage once a week cos they think she’s so fuckin great. It’s just been gettin worse and worse ever since she bought all the fucking 2007 Lagavulin 21 year olds before we’d even finished the fuckin’ tasting! That’s no way tae run a business, nae consideration like, it’s a good job I’ve got maself a new bottling like, it’s a 5 year old Speyside finished in Rioja ye ken! Awesome innit! She can still get tae fuck though!” 

Berlinda Binge responded with an air of ephemeral bemusement:

“Oh I’m sorry, were you saying something, it’s just that I was temporarily distracted by the fact that I’ve got a massively successful international business.” 

After the whisky is finished Berlinda plans to acquire all the vibrators. She added:

“We’ll be using them as bungs for casks.”

The bit on the side stops it falling all the way in.

The bit on the side stops it falling all the way in.

 

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