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Posts Tagged ‘Scapa’

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Almost as good as much cheaper whiskies.

Chivas Brothers have announced a new, twin-purpose project designed to increase the prices of old bottlings of Longmorn at auction and to generally raise the levels of contempt for their company among Whisky enthusiasts around the world. Using a process of simple Mortlachification, they have taken a step forward in being taken far less seriously.

Miriam Ecoli – Longmorn Brand Strangulation Director at Chivas – said while using a bottle of the new 23 year old to roll some pastry:

“Everyone is always banging on about Diageo Haig Club this, or Diageo Port Ellen prices that, or Diageo is homogenising the flavour of Scotch Whisky and we are like ‘HELLOOOOO’ Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve anyone…? Why are we always getting ignored in the Whisky nerd baiting game. Diageo are three hundred points ahead of us this season and we’ve already launched Glenlivet Cypher and put out a load of really rubbish Scapa. Jeez! What’s a multinational drinks conglomerate got to do to get some Facebook hating action on the go?! I mean, should we just release an age-statement version of A’bunadh, is reverse psychology the answer here…?” 

Each year the major whisky companies compete in an inter-company, points based tournament designed around pissing off Whisky lovers. The points are broken down into various categories:

1 point: Getting a self-righteous Facebook status update from Oliver Kermit about price increases.

5 points: Getting a Whiskysponge article like this one.

10 points: A large and meandering thread in the Malt Maniacs page on Facebook that invariably turns into an argument about NAS and price increases.

20 points: Forcing a noticeable price increase on your previous bottlings at auctions within 2 months of a product re-launch. (aka: Doing a Mortlach)

50 points: Multiple simultaneous meaningless threats of product boycotts from people who barely ever buy them anyway.

100 points: Haig Club

200 points: The Spey Range

300 points: A lacklustre and almost passively aggressive review on Whiskyfun.

500 points: Replacing a long standing core expression with an obviously inferior NAS version.

1000 points: Shitting all over your history by building a fuck-off massive distillery to replace the one that made all your good stuff because you’re a bunch of profit obsessed accountants who couldn’t give a shit about your consumers or your brands. (aka: Doing a Macallan)

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Macallan: The Next Generation. Featuring Michael Dorn as Wort and Brent Spiner as Distillery Data.

Due to this last point and various Highland Park releases Edrington has held an unassailable lead for several years now. Pernod is determined to overtake Diageo in second place before the end of this season though (which ends with each financial year in April).

Miriam Ecoli added:

“This new Longmorn shit should really get us in the game now! How d’you like them apples Diageo!?” 

Someone or other from Diageo said:

“Haig Club Single Cask, bitches!” 

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It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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1: Did you know… that Colin Dunnage was only given the Malts Ambassador job at Diageo when they realised the Biker Mice From Mars were actually fictional characters.

2: Did you know… Ian Logan from Glenlivet is actually a failed clone of René from classic 1980s British sitcom Allo Allo.

It just didn't work.

It just didn’t work.

3: Did you know… in the 1980s Glenturret Distillery built a turret and enslaved a Romanian teenager called Rapunzel in the top chamber in what many now regard as the second worst marketing stunt in the history of whisky. Only narrowly superseded by the blatant use of Michael Owen.

4: Did you know… the ‘aftershave’ that Macaulay Culkin hilariously slapped onto his pre-pubescent chops in Home Alone was actually 1980s Speyburn new make spirit. Hence his genuine scream of agony at having wasted a potentially lucrative investment for his burgeoning whisky portfolio (which he would later swap entirely for heroin in 2011).

5: Did you know… Victoria Shagging Barfly is now available as an app.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

6: Did you know… Glenlivet distillery is only open to visitors one day a year. The day changes annually and no one knows when it will actually be. Anyone who shows up on the day it is actually open is allowed to taste their 12 year old and be accompanied to the bathroom by a member of staff.

7: Did you know… Kevin Keegan was once the official ‘mouser’ at Scapa.

8: Did you know…  Former Chancellor of the Exchequer and unionist pin-up Alisdair Darling’s eyebrows are that colour because of Loch Dhu.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

9: Did you know… Neddy Loveblow of The Whisky Lounge keeps up to 12 different Barry Manilow cassette tapes in his beard at all times.

10: Did you know… Oliver Kermit’s new blog ‘Today’s Fine Food’ is used by capitalists as a motivational web based resource for starving children in the Sudan.

11: Did you know… Professor Jill Bumsden can survive unaided in a fermenting washback for up to 17 minutes for reasons science can not yet wholly explain.

12: Did you know… Jasper Clementine once came 7th in the 1993 Annual Turckheim Professor Calculus Lookalike Competition.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

13: Did you know… The Cadenhead’s shop in Edinburgh is the only place in the known universe where the time continuum is completely static.

14: Did you know… the manager of Glenkinchie knows a guy who once shook hands with some bloke who once had a go of the gun that shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

15: Did you know… the Glasgow Whisky Company got the idea for calling their new release of whisky from another distillery – which is totally not just a dressed up independent bottling – ‘Prometheus’ by getting utterly baked on cheap weed one night and throwing fridge magnets at Ridley Scott films.

16: Did you know… Diageo invented and patented the Gaelic language in 1983.

17: Did you know… Most norse mythology is based on Highland Park bottlings.

18: Did you know… Whiskysponge’s resident reviewer Giuseppe Linguini once spent 87 hours in an ex-fino sherry puncheon hiding from Mickey Heads when he was manager of Jura after Giuseppe sold him a Ford Cortina with two and a half cardboard break disks.

19: Did you know… Jasper Clementine has patented the use of the aroma ‘Kumquats’ in tasting notes and will instigate legal action against anyone that uses it. Despite the fact that it is a fictitious fruit that has yet to be proven to exist outside of Waitrose.

20: Did you know… Dark Mollesty of Whiskyshaft once urinated in a cask of Octomore while Jimbob Paterson was emptying the magazine of a Tech 9 at passing seagulls in warehouse 3 at Bruichladdich.

It was later described by Jimbob as 'an undeniable improvement'.

It was later described by Jimbob as ‘an undeniable improvement’.

21: Did you know… Anthony Spills of Kilchoman personally incubates each cask of his whisky by sitting on it for at least 24 hours.

22: Did you know… Jimbob Paterson still believes he is Distillery Manger at Bowmore and has given at least 37 interviews in that capacity. All of which have been described charitably as ‘incomprehensible’.

23: Did you know… Damon Albarn of Blur once interviewed for the job of manager at Longmorn Distillery but was told his lack of confidence with augmented chords in his songwriting was what ultimately cost him the job.

24: Did you know… Richard McEwen of Whyte & MacKay once went total ape shit and tried to force feed Nick Morgan a crate of Bananas. Nick had to later be treated for excessive potassium intake.

25: Did you know… Internationally hated Laphroaig hoarder Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills has had his house raided on 17 occasions by the Dutch Police’s Tropical Fruit Enforcement Task Force. All of whom were bribed with platinum fillings.

HIs kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

His kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

26: Did you know… Before Ardbeg decided to put whisky in space they attempted to send some of Mary’s Clootie Dumpling but the rocket had insufficient fuel capacity and thrust to propel the pudding into orbit. It was described by renowned NASA astrophysicist Dr Herbert Drag as “Dense as fuck!” .

27: Did you know… Scotland is the only country in the world where Jan Birch lives.

28: Did you know… Dark Mollesty has presented over 88 episodes of Whiskyshaft while utterly off hit tits on crack.

29: Did you know… Speyburn’s old mashtun will be sent to Balcones distillery in the USA where it will be used as a secure chamber in which to store Chip Tait.

30: Did you know… Liam Buxton’s latest book ‘101 Whiskies To Try While Breaking The World Record For Most Pork Scratchings Gnawed Directly From A Live Pig’, was sponsored by North Korea.

31: Did you know… The Papal Archives in the Vatican contain over 22 unpublished tasting notes by Jim Murray for which the world is not yet ready.

32: Did you know… Peter Capaldi’s recent critically acclaimed turn as Doctor Who was based entirely on Iain Henderson’s last day as Distillery Manager at Laphroaig.

33: Did you know… The film ‘Event Horizon’ was inspired by the minutes of a marketing strategy conference call at Dayglo Retard.

34: Did you know… Jim Sweep once fashioned a quill out of his own hair in order to sign a copy of his book about closed Glasgow distilleries ‘Pure Dead Whisky’ using one of the six Pina Coladas he was drinking as ink.

35: Did you know… Andrew Symington has had Edradour Distillery exorcised on 14 separate occasions by 3 different Popes.

36: Did you know… Amrut Single Malt is actually made in a shed in Basingstoke by a woman named Henrietta Clump.

37: Did you know… the legendary whisky writer Michael Jackson was actually also Michael Jackson the international music star. Don’t believe us? You try and find a photo of them together…

38: Did you know… The word ‘Karuizawa’ means ‘laughing all the way to the bank’ in the native dialect of ancient Norfolk.

39: Did you know… Ralfy is bringing out a new brand of whisky flavoured Condoms called ‘Malt Mates’. They will be available in ‘NAS’, ‘Un-Chilfiltered’ and ‘Cask Strength’. Ralfy is keen to stress they will all be natural colour.

40: Did You Know… the people responsible for the Michael Owen ‘Spey’ whisky campaign are now wanted in over 62 countries around the world on charges including: ‘treason’, ‘disturbing the peace’, ‘grievous bodily harm’, ‘assault with a deadly weapon’, ‘incentive to riot’, ‘crimes against humanity’, ‘wilful lack of self-awareness’, ‘terrorism’, ‘poisoning’, ‘attempted murder’, ‘obscenity’, ‘attempting the sale of deadly substances’ and ‘coercion of a minor’.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

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