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Posts Tagged ‘scottish government’

It was announced this morning that Whisky is no longer to be made available to normal people. After studies – and just looking at the internet – have consistently shown that consumers have had an almost exclusively negative effect on Whisky, it has been subsequently widely restricted.

Professor Hieronymus Porsche, Head Of Whisky, said:

“It’s been going on too long. All these people getting ‘into’ whisky and ruining it by wilfully buying it. Talking about it ‘online’ and doing things like trying to sell it in auctions for a profit. It’s really spoiled everything. The fact that the companies that make it are now constantly clamouring for more and more people to ‘get into’ whisky just goes to show the extent of the problem. More people enjoying and buying whisky is precisely what is wrong with the drink today. It has been exactly the source of its ruination. As a result, starting today, we’re going back to about 1968 when malt whisky was largely restricted to poets, jolly businessmen, school marms and debonaire young novelists.” 

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That’s quite enough of that thank you!

The Scottish Government will later today publish a list of social groups and individuals still allowed to buy and enjoy Scotch whisky. An early copy of which has been leaked to Whiskysponge:

Poets (Irish and Scottish ones only – others by application of tortured verse)

These guys:

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Working Class theatre directors and Ken Loach

Teachers who are a bit like Michael Caine in Educating Rita

‘Nice’ Tories like Ken Clarke or the comedy ones who are good for a laugh but who hopefully will never be allowed near government like Jacob Rees-Mogg

Dinner Ladies

Grumpy people who work in Post Offices

Rural Doctors

Farmers but only those who agree to drink it while simultaneously carrying a shotgun

Brian Cox the actor

Rude, elderly barmen who would punch you in the face for even so much as talking about Cocktails

People who drive Ferrys between Scottish Islands

Proper traditional Folk musicians who have the common decency to wear cummerbunds and avoid standard tuning on a Guitar.

Journalists who take lunch between 10am-5pm

Landed gentry who get angry because their typewriter won’t connect to the wifi

People who are Mark Watt

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Allowed

Anyone not automatically in one of these categories will have to apply for a whisky license and demonstrate that they can enjoy it in the carefree, passionate, properly irresponsible, late-night, social fashion in which it was intended. Whiskysponge can also reveal the questionnaire they will have to complete upon application:

1: Are you Victor Brierley?

2: Are you Joel Harrison or Neil Ridley?

3: Are you Dean Callan?

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Not allowed!

4: Do you, or have you ever, described whisky as a ‘portfolio’?

5: Do you pretend to enjoy grain whisky?

6: Do you think Haig Club is acceptable if it ‘brings newbies into the category’?

7: Would you, or have you ever, described mixing a measure of whisky into a cocktail as a ‘serve’?

8: Are you able to read an Ardbeg press release without needing to do a ‘rage poo’?

9: Have you ever liked, shared, re-tweeted or hashtagged one of Diageo’s ‘Love Scotch’ things?

10: Do you own fewer than 30 bottles of Speyburn?

11: Have you ever queued for longer than 30 minutes to buy a bottle of whisky?

12: Are you able to finish a 25ml measure of Monkey Shoulder without crying?

13: Are you a German who wilfully wears tartan?

14: Are you the sort of person who describes new bottlings as ‘innovative’?

15: Are you a ‘bartender’?

Even a single ‘yes’ will result in a life ban from whisky.

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Come on boys. Time to let someone else play with the whisky now…

 

 

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There's just not enough of them.

There’s just not enough of them.

The Scottish Government today outlined new legislature that will make it an offence for Scottish citizens to not own and run their own online whisky auction site by 2016. Blair Galvistone, special minister in charge of finding things to do at Holyrood said:

“As of January 1st 2016 any Scottish person failing to own and operate their own online whisky auction business will be prosecuted under the 2013 Bawbag Act. At present there are far too few of these businesses in Scotland and to maintain growth and economic forecasts in the secondary whisky sector we need to see a nationwide effort to contribute to the growing global demand for multiple bottles of Ardbeg Alligator.”

Made with real endangered reptiles.

Made with real endangered reptiles.

All households will be given governmental support to teach people how to start up these enterprises and a small floating stock of old Johnnie Walker bottles to help flesh out their first auctions.

Mr Galvistone continued:

“An official government guide can be downloaded from our website. It details all that citizens will need to know about identifying a successful business model that someone else has developed and then half-heartedly ripping it off with a bunch of copycat software and some cut and paste wording from their competitor’s websites.” 

Roddy MacSporran, a pie scented vortex of unoriginality from Falkirk said:

“I had a look online recently at that auction site scotchwhisky-onlineauctions.org, you should see all those bottles they’ve got on there, they must be fuckin raking in the cash. Looks dead easy, think I might have a stab at that myself. I’ve not got much on this weekend I’ll probably set up my own auction site after I’ve finished wanking over he latest Gregg’s takeaway menu in my shed.” 

It's a sex thing...

It’s a sex thing…

Arthur Laminate, a former Poundland supervisor and owner of Edinburgh based auction site hammermybottle.co.uk said:

“I don’t understand, just because I took all the pictures with my iphone and admittedly over 75% of the bottles in my first sale were unsold because they had retail level reserves on them, why haven’t people got in touch wanting to sell bottles of 1926 Macallan and cases of 1930s Laphroaig? It all looked so easy and shiny when I was browsing scotchwhisky-onlineauctions.org in my pants last week.” 

For some reason people don't seem to want to flog these sorts of things willy nilly.

For some reason people don’t seem to want to flog these sorts of things willy nilly.

Blair Glavistone added:

“If something is worth doing it’s worth doing badly.” 

 

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