Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Spey’

longmorn-23-year-old-with-boxpng

Almost as good as much cheaper whiskies.

Chivas Brothers have announced a new, twin-purpose project designed to increase the prices of old bottlings of Longmorn at auction and to generally raise the levels of contempt for their company among Whisky enthusiasts around the world. Using a process of simple Mortlachification, they have taken a step forward in being taken far less seriously.

Miriam Ecoli – Longmorn Brand Strangulation Director at Chivas – said while using a bottle of the new 23 year old to roll some pastry:

“Everyone is always banging on about Diageo Haig Club this, or Diageo Port Ellen prices that, or Diageo is homogenising the flavour of Scotch Whisky and we are like ‘HELLOOOOO’ Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve anyone…? Why are we always getting ignored in the Whisky nerd baiting game. Diageo are three hundred points ahead of us this season and we’ve already launched Glenlivet Cypher and put out a load of really rubbish Scapa. Jeez! What’s a multinational drinks conglomerate got to do to get some Facebook hating action on the go?! I mean, should we just release an age-statement version of A’bunadh, is reverse psychology the answer here…?” 

Each year the major whisky companies compete in an inter-company, points based tournament designed around pissing off Whisky lovers. The points are broken down into various categories:

1 point: Getting a self-righteous Facebook status update from Oliver Kermit about price increases.

5 points: Getting a Whiskysponge article like this one.

10 points: A large and meandering thread in the Malt Maniacs page on Facebook that invariably turns into an argument about NAS and price increases.

20 points: Forcing a noticeable price increase on your previous bottlings at auctions within 2 months of a product re-launch. (aka: Doing a Mortlach)

50 points: Multiple simultaneous meaningless threats of product boycotts from people who barely ever buy them anyway.

100 points: Haig Club

200 points: The Spey Range

300 points: A lacklustre and almost passively aggressive review on Whiskyfun.

500 points: Replacing a long standing core expression with an obviously inferior NAS version.

1000 points: Shitting all over your history by building a fuck-off massive distillery to replace the one that made all your good stuff because you’re a bunch of profit obsessed accountants who couldn’t give a shit about your consumers or your brands. (aka: Doing a Macallan)

news_4522.jpg

Macallan: The Next Generation. Featuring Michael Dorn as Wort and Brent Spiner as Distillery Data.

Due to this last point and various Highland Park releases Edrington has held an unassailable lead for several years now. Pernod is determined to overtake Diageo in second place before the end of this season though (which ends with each financial year in April).

Miriam Ecoli added:

“This new Longmorn shit should really get us in the game now! How d’you like them apples Diageo!?” 

Someone or other from Diageo said:

“Haig Club Single Cask, bitches!” 

Read Full Post »

January

Annual tombola held by all major distilling companies to decide who will get to use the following names on their bottlings this year: ‘Founder’s Reserve’. ‘Small Batch’. ‘Special Edition’. ‘Limited Batch Release’. ‘Traditional Reserve’. ‘Master Distiller’s (insert nonsense here)’.

Speyburn Distillery’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, assumes new identity and begins gap year abroad in France.

"What I do: I do for the Clan!"

“What I do: I do for the Clan!”

February

Scottish Government declares national Bell’s Decanter armistice. Anyone still hoarding/collecting these vile affronts to human civilisation to be offered free mental health treatment and special drop off points are set up across the country where people can deposit their collections. Large men from the council will be sent round to bag them up at the end of the month and have them melted down. During the armistice several men are tazered by police for suggesting that the 1988 Christmas edition is ‘worth hanging onto as it’s still hard to find’.

March

Glenlivet distillery finally completes phase three of it’s ‘Global Dominion Protocol’. The number and location of stills is now the correct amount to generate a cyclical wormhole in the Spirit Receiver. All new make spirit is sent through this intergalactic portal to another solar system in a far-flung galaxy where the unusual properties of gravity on a local planet create a time lapse whereby the spirit can age for three years in new american oak and then be returned to the re-connecting stargate in the new onsite bottling facilities. Only moments have passed on Earth but the spirit is legally whisky and sufficiently flavoured with wood extracts to be labelled as Founder’s Reserve. Sith Lord Alan Winchester said of the development:

“We had a bit of trouble at first convincing the SWA that the particular solar system several billion lightyears away was still technically Scotland, but we sent Alex Salmond through with a flag and that seemed good enough for them. It’s a bit like the film Interstellar except instead of Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway debating the universality of love inside a spaceship, it’s Ian and Jimbo arguing over which Pot Noodle to have for lunch.”

Glenlivet is made by a dedicated team of people who need a job, they drew straws to see who would have to go through the wormhole and work in the filling store. Big Kenny drew the short straw and described the experience thusly:

“It’s nae bad oan backshift like but it’s mair’n five billion parsecs away. That’s like gettin’ snarled up in Nairn oan a Friday afternoon ken!”

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the materials used, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart form that it's pretty much the same as it's always been.

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the ingredients, the casks, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart from that it’s pretty much the same as it’s always been.

April

Gaspar Noé decides to use the Limburg Whiskyfair as a key location in his new film. The film is titled ‘Blowhole’ and is a 140 minute, single shot epic set entirely in a vast gay orgy and shot in excruciating detail. The film will star Benedict Cumberbatch, Kirk Douglas, Will Ferrel and Oliver Kermit with a score by Bruce Willis. Gaspar said of the movie and his choice of location:

“The film is very much a continuation of the theme of human sexuality and cinematic honesty which I began with my previous film ‘Love’. I wanted to show the beauty and cerebral majesty of two large German bears rimming each other as if they were desperately seeking the keys to unlock them from some sort of hellish torture nightmare from one of the ‘Saw’ movies. The way whisky lovers feverishly engage with their tasting glasses in such sweaty, almost unbearable conditions really reminded me of this so I felt the Limburg Whiskyfair would be an ideal location. Also, the changes needed to make it seem like an actual gay orgy are so minimal that it is hugely beneficial to the budget. 

On casting Oliver Kermit:

“Basically I wanted a real performer, someone intimately connected with the real environment in which we were shooting and given the amount Oliver talks about ‘sausage fun’ he seemed like a natural, boundary-straddling choice. I did explicitly warn him that his role would involve large amounts of un-simulated, gay intercourse with the 99 year old Kirk Douglas but he said that was the only reason he agreed to be in it.” 

It'll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

It’ll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

May

David Beckham relinquishes his role as brand ambassador for Haig Club and is replaced by Luis Suarez.

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Diageo human shield Dr Nick Morgan welcomed the change and said:

“The bite mark means that the bottle is now five centilitres smaller than before which is not only financially lucrative but an extremely strong sales pitch as customers are far more inclined to buy one when they realise there won’t be so much whisky to drink.” 

June

Lagavulin Distillery celebrates its bicentenary despite the fact all the bottles used to state ‘founded 1742’ for many decades. As well as a special bottling featuring the names of as many past mangers as they can remember etched into the bottle, they will celebrate by discontinuing the 16 year old and replacing it with an NAS version. Whoever it is that’s managing the distillery these days said:

“We’ve already started digging the foxholes and putting up sandbags and machine gun nests.” 

July

Dark Mollesty records a special episode of Whiskyshaft in which he interviews himself. The episode is 340 minutes long and features such highlights as Dark challenging himself to a duel and the bit where he interviews himself in character as footballer and Spey ambassador Michael Owen and ends up falling in love with himself to the point where it becomes – in Dark’s own words – ‘audibly erotic’.  Also, don’t miss the final harrowing two hours where he refuses to answer one of his own questions. The episode ends when Dark performs a citizens arrest on himself after his own repeated attempts to justify scoring Johnnie Walker Gold Label 95/100.

Lets play guess the sound effect…

Lets play guess the sound effect…

August

John Glaser feels that Compass Box’s sales are hitting a bit of a slump so creates another illegal label for one of his whiskies and reports himself to the SWA again.

September

Butt Plug packaging now at critical levels in the whisky industry. Consumers have been hit throughout 2016 with releases such as Glenbungrangie, Arsebeg, the Springbungk, Bungrow and Hazelbung ‘Bungletts & Kilplugins’ series and the notorious North Plug Bungin bottled for Dubai Duty Free. Highland Park bears the brunt of the blame for their King Christian bottling. Brand ambassador Ardvark Martinhardbung said of the bottling while bench pressing an entire stow of recently filled sherry butts:

“So, it turns out people are against the whole butt plug in a box with a stupid name, no information about the liquid and a price tag of €5000 thing. To be honest, I am sympathetic. We do have other butt plug bottlings planned but I think we’ll just sit on them for the time being…” 

Apparently people think it's silly…

Apparently people think it’s silly…

October

Diageo unveils their 2016 Special Releases. The UK launch event is a 24 hour rave in a field just outside Knebworth. Highlights will be a huge marrying tun full of punch housed in an acid tent curated by Colin Dunnage and featuring some of this year’s special releases poured into a trough with Listerine, Irn Bru, Prosecco, Cherry Cola, Bovril, Cuppa Soups and Goldschlager. Invited guests will also be able to have a stab at smoking crack before trying their hand at clay pigeon shooting using bottles of Smoky Goat and Boxing Hares with Caroline Martin. The stand is called ‘Shooting Crack & Crap With Caroline’. Elsewhere at the event Dr Nick Morgan and Jim Beveridge will be handing out free poppers and Es before laying down a three hour cover of Maggot Brain and busting into an epic, all night techno battle. Jim Beveridge said of the launch event:

“As usual the most exciting bit will be the tweet deck!” 

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

November

Disaster Of Malt begin to run out of stock to re-bottle so a second subsidiary company is launched that they can pretend to have nothing to do with just like all the others. The subsidiary is called ‘The ReBoot-Iquey-Whisky-Company’ and specialises in offering extremely limited edition re-bottlings of Boutiquey whisky co bottlings. Elf Benderson, head of Disaster Of Malt (or ‘Molecule Provisions’ or whatever it says on the invoices) said:

“Now you can re-enjoy all your old favourites. Ardbeg Batch 2, Miltonduff Batch 1 and – who could forget – Macallan Batch 3!” 

The labels will be re-printed over the top of spare labels from the original bottlings and will be comprehensively illegible.

December

Serge Valentin is arrested by Interpol on charges of ‘wilful manipulation of the international Speyburn index’, ‘blatant fibbing on a whiskyblog’, ‘outrageous scoring of Speyburn on a whiskyblog’ and ‘being a bit too French’. As he is dragged kicking and screaming from his swimming pool while desperately attempting to delete his internet browsing history, Interpol agents reveal to the world’s media an unfathomably large hoard of Speyburn bottlings in the ancient catacombs of Turckheim beneath Chateau Whiskyfun. Interpol refuse to give too much away about their source but refer to their informant by the codename ‘Agent Aston’.

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

In other, completely unrelated events, Speyburn’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, returns from his gap year abroad with 70 cases of assorted vintage Riesling and Vin Jaune, a tart flambee oven, a portable alambic still, three Ducatis, the Légion d’honneur and a selection of very obscure Jazz albums. He is given a heroe’s welcome and a jeroboam of Bradan Orach.

Vengeance is sweet!

Speyburn wouldn’t melt in his mouth!

Read Full Post »

1: Did you know… that Colin Dunnage was only given the Malts Ambassador job at Diageo when they realised the Biker Mice From Mars were actually fictional characters.

2: Did you know… Ian Logan from Glenlivet is actually a failed clone of René from classic 1980s British sitcom Allo Allo.

It just didn't work.

It just didn’t work.

3: Did you know… in the 1980s Glenturret Distillery built a turret and enslaved a Romanian teenager called Rapunzel in the top chamber in what many now regard as the second worst marketing stunt in the history of whisky. Only narrowly superseded by the blatant use of Michael Owen.

4: Did you know… the ‘aftershave’ that Macaulay Culkin hilariously slapped onto his pre-pubescent chops in Home Alone was actually 1980s Speyburn new make spirit. Hence his genuine scream of agony at having wasted a potentially lucrative investment for his burgeoning whisky portfolio (which he would later swap entirely for heroin in 2011).

5: Did you know… Victoria Shagging Barfly is now available as an app.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

6: Did you know… Glenlivet distillery is only open to visitors one day a year. The day changes annually and no one knows when it will actually be. Anyone who shows up on the day it is actually open is allowed to taste their 12 year old and be accompanied to the bathroom by a member of staff.

7: Did you know… Kevin Keegan was once the official ‘mouser’ at Scapa.

8: Did you know…  Former Chancellor of the Exchequer and unionist pin-up Alisdair Darling’s eyebrows are that colour because of Loch Dhu.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

9: Did you know… Neddy Loveblow of The Whisky Lounge keeps up to 12 different Barry Manilow cassette tapes in his beard at all times.

10: Did you know… Oliver Kermit’s new blog ‘Today’s Fine Food’ is used by capitalists as a motivational web based resource for starving children in the Sudan.

11: Did you know… Professor Jill Bumsden can survive unaided in a fermenting washback for up to 17 minutes for reasons science can not yet wholly explain.

12: Did you know… Jasper Clementine once came 7th in the 1993 Annual Turckheim Professor Calculus Lookalike Competition.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

13: Did you know… The Cadenhead’s shop in Edinburgh is the only place in the known universe where the time continuum is completely static.

14: Did you know… the manager of Glenkinchie knows a guy who once shook hands with some bloke who once had a go of the gun that shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

15: Did you know… the Glasgow Whisky Company got the idea for calling their new release of whisky from another distillery – which is totally not just a dressed up independent bottling – ‘Prometheus’ by getting utterly baked on cheap weed one night and throwing fridge magnets at Ridley Scott films.

16: Did you know… Diageo invented and patented the Gaelic language in 1983.

17: Did you know… Most norse mythology is based on Highland Park bottlings.

18: Did you know… Whiskysponge’s resident reviewer Giuseppe Linguini once spent 87 hours in an ex-fino sherry puncheon hiding from Mickey Heads when he was manager of Jura after Giuseppe sold him a Ford Cortina with two and a half cardboard break disks.

19: Did you know… Jasper Clementine has patented the use of the aroma ‘Kumquats’ in tasting notes and will instigate legal action against anyone that uses it. Despite the fact that it is a fictitious fruit that has yet to be proven to exist outside of Waitrose.

20: Did you know… Dark Mollesty of Whiskyshaft once urinated in a cask of Octomore while Jimbob Paterson was emptying the magazine of a Tech 9 at passing seagulls in warehouse 3 at Bruichladdich.

It was later described by Jimbob as 'an undeniable improvement'.

It was later described by Jimbob as ‘an undeniable improvement’.

21: Did you know… Anthony Spills of Kilchoman personally incubates each cask of his whisky by sitting on it for at least 24 hours.

22: Did you know… Jimbob Paterson still believes he is Distillery Manger at Bowmore and has given at least 37 interviews in that capacity. All of which have been described charitably as ‘incomprehensible’.

23: Did you know… Damon Albarn of Blur once interviewed for the job of manager at Longmorn Distillery but was told his lack of confidence with augmented chords in his songwriting was what ultimately cost him the job.

24: Did you know… Richard McEwen of Whyte & MacKay once went total ape shit and tried to force feed Nick Morgan a crate of Bananas. Nick had to later be treated for excessive potassium intake.

25: Did you know… Internationally hated Laphroaig hoarder Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills has had his house raided on 17 occasions by the Dutch Police’s Tropical Fruit Enforcement Task Force. All of whom were bribed with platinum fillings.

HIs kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

His kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

26: Did you know… Before Ardbeg decided to put whisky in space they attempted to send some of Mary’s Clootie Dumpling but the rocket had insufficient fuel capacity and thrust to propel the pudding into orbit. It was described by renowned NASA astrophysicist Dr Herbert Drag as “Dense as fuck!” .

27: Did you know… Scotland is the only country in the world where Jan Birch lives.

28: Did you know… Dark Mollesty has presented over 88 episodes of Whiskyshaft while utterly off hit tits on crack.

29: Did you know… Speyburn’s old mashtun will be sent to Balcones distillery in the USA where it will be used as a secure chamber in which to store Chip Tait.

30: Did you know… Liam Buxton’s latest book ‘101 Whiskies To Try While Breaking The World Record For Most Pork Scratchings Gnawed Directly From A Live Pig’, was sponsored by North Korea.

31: Did you know… The Papal Archives in the Vatican contain over 22 unpublished tasting notes by Jim Murray for which the world is not yet ready.

32: Did you know… Peter Capaldi’s recent critically acclaimed turn as Doctor Who was based entirely on Iain Henderson’s last day as Distillery Manager at Laphroaig.

33: Did you know… The film ‘Event Horizon’ was inspired by the minutes of a marketing strategy conference call at Dayglo Retard.

34: Did you know… Jim Sweep once fashioned a quill out of his own hair in order to sign a copy of his book about closed Glasgow distilleries ‘Pure Dead Whisky’ using one of the six Pina Coladas he was drinking as ink.

35: Did you know… Andrew Symington has had Edradour Distillery exorcised on 14 separate occasions by 3 different Popes.

36: Did you know… Amrut Single Malt is actually made in a shed in Basingstoke by a woman named Henrietta Clump.

37: Did you know… the legendary whisky writer Michael Jackson was actually also Michael Jackson the international music star. Don’t believe us? You try and find a photo of them together…

38: Did you know… The word ‘Karuizawa’ means ‘laughing all the way to the bank’ in the native dialect of ancient Norfolk.

39: Did you know… Ralfy is bringing out a new brand of whisky flavoured Condoms called ‘Malt Mates’. They will be available in ‘NAS’, ‘Un-Chilfiltered’ and ‘Cask Strength’. Ralfy is keen to stress they will all be natural colour.

40: Did You Know… the people responsible for the Michael Owen ‘Spey’ whisky campaign are now wanted in over 62 countries around the world on charges including: ‘treason’, ‘disturbing the peace’, ‘grievous bodily harm’, ‘assault with a deadly weapon’, ‘incentive to riot’, ‘crimes against humanity’, ‘wilful lack of self-awareness’, ‘terrorism’, ‘poisoning’, ‘attempted murder’, ‘obscenity’, ‘attempting the sale of deadly substances’ and ‘coercion of a minor’.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

Read Full Post »