Posts Tagged ‘Speyburn’

Brewdog have announced their intention to compete with Haig Club in the increasingly profitable market for embarrassingly shit young Grain Whisky. Jimmy Volt, one half of Brewdog’s CEO, said while receiving his MBE from the Queen for services to anti-establishmentism:

“Slowly but surely the collective public palate is forgetting the flavour of characterful, well made distillate that bears the unmistakeable fingerprints of its ingredients and production process. With Lone Milf distillery we aim to ride the crest of a new wave where every product is just another batch of neutral distillate bludgeoned to death by hyperactive oak. God I fucking love vanilla! Basically, we’ve pretty much perfected the repetitive, mindlessly over-hopped beer thing, so now it’s time to get on the oak bomb, vanilla gravy train baby!” 


“Yah, so, totally just got a selfie with a Royal Horse like. OMG! Deffo writing a song about it on my Ukulele laters! #totespunk #Megalolz #newideaforabeer”

Brewdog’s new marketing consultant, Steven Shandy, said:

“We’ve gone – in an entirely original fashion – for Hunter S Thompson with this first release in the ‘Celebrity Boozicide’ project. Future editions will include the Amy Winebox, Robin Williams Hanging Over Pick Me Up Strong Ale, the Heath Ledger ‘Sleepytime’ Rum ‘N’ Coke Mystery Mix, Kurt Cobain Nirvodka, the Ian Curtis Gin Will Tear Us Apart and, my personal favourite, the Hitler ‘Doubletap’ Highball – it’ll blow your mind! Our products will be available in Asian markets as well, but production has been outsourced to Kamikaze Distillery in Japan.” 


“Feminism is very ‘in’ at the moment”

Brewdog’s new distillery, Lone Milf, has recently completed construction and is now in full production. It will be making a variety of lipsticks, foundations, eyeliners and blushers. As the other half of the CEO, Marty McWillie, explained:

“People talk about ‘old style’ whisky production, but those people are just charlatans, industry shills and Whiskysponge readers. We all know that the word alcohol is a linguistic derivative of ‘Alkol’, the ancient Persian term for make-up. Our products will be truly old style. All our rouge and blushers will spend at least three years maturing in earthen clay pots, and we’ll be the only whisky distillery to make all our lipsticks and eye shadows from scratch, right here at the distillery. Not like these mass-market bawbags who buy in neutral base make-up and infuse it with colour; this is real, craft make-up production! No longer will whisky be seen as a drink for doddering old bearded twats! Lets get some hot Milfs in on the action!”

Anticipating the success of Lone Milf, Brewdog are already working on plans to build Cougar Distillery in California.

Jan Birch, Gatemaster of the Standing Stones of Speyburn said:

“Pretty sure that Dornoch Distillery also makes its own poof juice from scratch like!” 

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‘Censored’ Distillery will commence distilling this autumn.

Big Tavish MacFirepoker, an Ironmonger from Helmsdale and head of the multinational ACME Forge-Smash Conglomerate, has opposed the latest in a series of trademark applications made by the fledgling Dornoch Distillery Company. The opposition was raised to the trademark ‘Door Knock Distillery’ approximately 5 seconds before the application was set to be approved. Speaking loudly while hammering a molten novelty doorbell he said:

“I’m not having those cheeky wee gobshites come in here and ruin my business. I’ve got ironmongery branches all over the world, we all know people are too stupid to properly recognise the difference between a bottle of whisky and a door knocker! I’m having none of it! They’ll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he’s finished mucking out the pigs!”

This is the latest in a stringof disappointments for Dornoch Distillery. Their initial application for ‘Dornoch Distillery’ was opposed by Glenmorangie on the grounds that they sometimes need to use geographical place names for bottlings in order to disguise how utterly shit their whisky has become. And similarly the marketing department deemed it would probably be bad business for the closest neighbouring distillery to make a vastly superior product to their own.


“But if we told you what was actually in it people would know it was dreadful without paying for it first…”

Marco-Pierre Shite, head of Rancid Capitalism at Moet Hennessey, said:

“I don’t understand. We offered them a perfectly reasonable co-ownership deal whereby we would own 90% of their company but they didn’t take it for some reason. I hope they don’t see fit to oppose us further, otherwise they shall know what it means to be royally fucked by the sixteen men of pain! And if that doesn’t work they shall surely feel the rough edge of Professor Jill Bumsden’s tongue!” 


Just because it was recalled in the US for having ingredients commonly found in anti-freeze, doesn’t mean people won’t accidentally fly to Scotland and buy a bottle of obscure craft gin instead. 

The latest opposition comes from Sazerac Bourbon – via Cooley in the UK – against the ‘Fire House Gin’ trademark on the grounds it infringes upon their product ‘Fireball’, a cinnamon flavoured Bourbon based liqueur. A product used primarily for killing cattle in abattoirs. Some intellectual property lawyer in London said:

“Well, unfortunately we were left with no alternative. Our client’s customer base is unfortunately far too American and stupid to be able to tell the difference between a bottle of yellow syrup which would dissolve a child, and an entirely different product made in a separate country which would never reach their market anyway. That’s just the way these things go I’m afraid. That and they’re multinational cunts obviously.”

Dornoch Distillery Co-Owner Phil Level said while gently caressing a loaded sniper rifle:

“At least we managed to register ourselves as ‘Speyburn Distillery’ unopposed, we can always fall back on that if all else fails.”




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It was announced this morning that Whisky is no longer to be made available to normal people. After studies – and just looking at the internet – have consistently shown that consumers have had an almost exclusively negative effect on Whisky, it has been subsequently widely restricted.

Professor Hieronymus Porsche, Head Of Whisky, said:

“It’s been going on too long. All these people getting ‘into’ whisky and ruining it by wilfully buying it. Talking about it ‘online’ and doing things like trying to sell it in auctions for a profit. It’s really spoiled everything. The fact that the companies that make it are now constantly clamouring for more and more people to ‘get into’ whisky just goes to show the extent of the problem. More people enjoying and buying whisky is precisely what is wrong with the drink today. It has been exactly the source of its ruination. As a result, starting today, we’re going back to about 1968 when malt whisky was largely restricted to poets, jolly businessmen, school marms and debonaire young novelists.” 

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That’s quite enough of that thank you!

The Scottish Government will later today publish a list of social groups and individuals still allowed to buy and enjoy Scotch whisky. An early copy of which has been leaked to Whiskysponge:

Poets (Irish and Scottish ones only – others by application of tortured verse)

These guys:


Working Class theatre directors and Ken Loach

Teachers who are a bit like Michael Caine in Educating Rita

‘Nice’ Tories like Ken Clarke or the comedy ones who are good for a laugh but who hopefully will never be allowed near government like Jacob Rees-Mogg

Dinner Ladies

Grumpy people who work in Post Offices

Rural Doctors

Farmers but only those who agree to drink it while simultaneously carrying a shotgun

Brian Cox the actor

Rude, elderly barmen who would punch you in the face for even so much as talking about Cocktails

People who drive Ferrys between Scottish Islands

Proper traditional Folk musicians who have the common decency to wear cummerbunds and avoid standard tuning on a Guitar.

Journalists who take lunch between 10am-5pm

Landed gentry who get angry because their typewriter won’t connect to the wifi

People who are Mark Watt



Anyone not automatically in one of these categories will have to apply for a whisky license and demonstrate that they can enjoy it in the carefree, passionate, properly irresponsible, late-night, social fashion in which it was intended. Whiskysponge can also reveal the questionnaire they will have to complete upon application:

1: Are you Victor Brierley?

2: Are you Joel Harrison or Neil Ridley?

3: Are you Dean Callan?


Not allowed!

4: Do you, or have you ever, described whisky as a ‘portfolio’?

5: Do you pretend to enjoy grain whisky?

6: Do you think Haig Club is acceptable if it ‘brings newbies into the category’?

7: Would you, or have you ever, described mixing a measure of whisky into a cocktail as a ‘serve’?

8: Are you able to read an Ardbeg press release without needing to do a ‘rage poo’?

9: Have you ever liked, shared, re-tweeted or hashtagged one of Diageo’s ‘Love Scotch’ things?

10: Do you own fewer than 30 bottles of Speyburn?

11: Have you ever queued for longer than 30 minutes to buy a bottle of whisky?

12: Are you able to finish a 25ml measure of Monkey Shoulder without crying?

13: Are you a German who wilfully wears tartan?

14: Are you the sort of person who describes new bottlings as ‘innovative’?

15: Are you a ‘bartender’?

Even a single ‘yes’ will result in a life ban from whisky.


Come on boys. Time to let someone else play with the whisky now…



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It emerged yesterday in some shop that whisky does indeed actually taste like whisky. Shocked retail assistant at Edinburgh based wine merchant ‘Hipster Binge Supplies’, Tessa Finkelstein said:

“I was just forcing my overly joy-ridden retail initiatives on a customer when they told me they didn’t like whisky. I of course countered with the fact that there is certainly a whisky for everyone and that they just hadn’t found ‘their’ dram yet. I was shocked when upon giving them a taste of our new Macduff 7 year old Zinfandel finish they told me that it ‘just tasted like whisky.’ Some customers are so rude!”


Just because you don’t like Talisker, doesn’t mean you won’t like Highland Park.

Weary capitalism facilitation prole, Julian Parsons said:

“I was in looking to buy a birthday present for my Dad. I don’t like whisky. The woman in the shop said I did and insisted on making me drink some. It was clearly whisky which, as I have said, I do not like. Nothing about this process altered this fact. She proceeded to ask me what sort of whisky my Father enjoys, to which the answer is pretty much anything on discount or special offer.”

Tessa Finkelstein added:

“People who say they don’t like whisky clearly don’t know what they’re talking about. There is a a dram for everyone, it’s not as if there’s already enough people buying whisky. We need everyone we can possibly get! Otherwise we might have to not employ all the clever people with special trousers that write the nice stories on the back of the bottles!”

Jan Birch, the Drumnadrochit Minister For Tarte Flambe said:

“Why can’t these pushy retailers just respect people’s personal tastes? Everyone knows the only whisky that is enjoyed universally by everyone is Speyburn.”




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It has been revealed that The Whisky Exchange – the 21st century front for the East India Trading Company  – will be releasing a new range of bottlings called the ‘Elements Of Investment’ series.

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Apparently this did actually occur…

The change was announced yesterday by The Whisky Exchange’s head of having to talk to people: Dr Chilton, he said:

The Elements Of Investment series is just something we thought up the other night. It’ll be like the Elements Of Islay series except where it says ‘Islay’ we’ll print the word ‘Investment’ instead. The releases will still retain all their most alluring aspects. A 50cl bottle, no age statement, minimal information about the contents and a propensity to begin evaporating within half an hour of purchase. There will be a mild adjustment in initial retail price from £50 up to £699 but otherwise you probably won’t notice too much.” 

Head of Lego and playing Worms (1995) on the Atari Jaguar, Willie Bishop said:

“First of all will be Kr1 – KerrrChiiiing 1. Then we’ll probably follow that up with Ml1 (Moolah 1 obviously). Personally I’m really looking forward to Em1 – Economic Meltdown 1.”

The Elements Of Investment series will be available as of April and will be limited to one case per person. Each bottle will contain re-bottled Flora & Fauna Speyburn.



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Annual tombola held by all major distilling companies to decide who will get to use the following names on their bottlings this year: ‘Founder’s Reserve’. ‘Small Batch’. ‘Special Edition’. ‘Limited Batch Release’. ‘Traditional Reserve’. ‘Master Distiller’s (insert nonsense here)’.

Speyburn Distillery’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, assumes new identity and begins gap year abroad in France.

"What I do: I do for the Clan!"

“What I do: I do for the Clan!”


Scottish Government declares national Bell’s Decanter armistice. Anyone still hoarding/collecting these vile affronts to human civilisation to be offered free mental health treatment and special drop off points are set up across the country where people can deposit their collections. Large men from the council will be sent round to bag them up at the end of the month and have them melted down. During the armistice several men are tazered by police for suggesting that the 1988 Christmas edition is ‘worth hanging onto as it’s still hard to find’.


Glenlivet distillery finally completes phase three of it’s ‘Global Dominion Protocol’. The number and location of stills is now the correct amount to generate a cyclical wormhole in the Spirit Receiver. All new make spirit is sent through this intergalactic portal to another solar system in a far-flung galaxy where the unusual properties of gravity on a local planet create a time lapse whereby the spirit can age for three years in new american oak and then be returned to the re-connecting stargate in the new onsite bottling facilities. Only moments have passed on Earth but the spirit is legally whisky and sufficiently flavoured with wood extracts to be labelled as Founder’s Reserve. Sith Lord Alan Winchester said of the development:

“We had a bit of trouble at first convincing the SWA that the particular solar system several billion lightyears away was still technically Scotland, but we sent Alex Salmond through with a flag and that seemed good enough for them. It’s a bit like the film Interstellar except instead of Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway debating the universality of love inside a spaceship, it’s Ian and Jimbo arguing over which Pot Noodle to have for lunch.”

Glenlivet is made by a dedicated team of people who need a job, they drew straws to see who would have to go through the wormhole and work in the filling store. Big Kenny drew the short straw and described the experience thusly:

“It’s nae bad oan backshift like but it’s mair’n five billion parsecs away. That’s like gettin’ snarled up in Nairn oan a Friday afternoon ken!”

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the materials used, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart form that it's pretty much the same as it's always been.

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the ingredients, the casks, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart from that it’s pretty much the same as it’s always been.


Gaspar Noé decides to use the Limburg Whiskyfair as a key location in his new film. The film is titled ‘Blowhole’ and is a 140 minute, single shot epic set entirely in a vast gay orgy and shot in excruciating detail. The film will star Benedict Cumberbatch, Kirk Douglas, Will Ferrel and Oliver Kermit with a score by Bruce Willis. Gaspar said of the movie and his choice of location:

“The film is very much a continuation of the theme of human sexuality and cinematic honesty which I began with my previous film ‘Love’. I wanted to show the beauty and cerebral majesty of two large German bears rimming each other as if they were desperately seeking the keys to unlock them from some sort of hellish torture nightmare from one of the ‘Saw’ movies. The way whisky lovers feverishly engage with their tasting glasses in such sweaty, almost unbearable conditions really reminded me of this so I felt the Limburg Whiskyfair would be an ideal location. Also, the changes needed to make it seem like an actual gay orgy are so minimal that it is hugely beneficial to the budget. 

On casting Oliver Kermit:

“Basically I wanted a real performer, someone intimately connected with the real environment in which we were shooting and given the amount Oliver talks about ‘sausage fun’ he seemed like a natural, boundary-straddling choice. I did explicitly warn him that his role would involve large amounts of un-simulated, gay intercourse with the 99 year old Kirk Douglas but he said that was the only reason he agreed to be in it.” 

It'll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

It’ll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…


David Beckham relinquishes his role as brand ambassador for Haig Club and is replaced by Luis Suarez.

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Diageo human shield Dr Nick Morgan welcomed the change and said:

“The bite mark means that the bottle is now five centilitres smaller than before which is not only financially lucrative but an extremely strong sales pitch as customers are far more inclined to buy one when they realise there won’t be so much whisky to drink.” 


Lagavulin Distillery celebrates its bicentenary despite the fact all the bottles used to state ‘founded 1742’ for many decades. As well as a special bottling featuring the names of as many past mangers as they can remember etched into the bottle, they will celebrate by discontinuing the 16 year old and replacing it with an NAS version. Whoever it is that’s managing the distillery these days said:

“We’ve already started digging the foxholes and putting up sandbags and machine gun nests.” 


Dark Mollesty records a special episode of Whiskyshaft in which he interviews himself. The episode is 340 minutes long and features such highlights as Dark challenging himself to a duel and the bit where he interviews himself in character as footballer and Spey ambassador Michael Owen and ends up falling in love with himself to the point where it becomes – in Dark’s own words – ‘audibly erotic’.  Also, don’t miss the final harrowing two hours where he refuses to answer one of his own questions. The episode ends when Dark performs a citizens arrest on himself after his own repeated attempts to justify scoring Johnnie Walker Gold Label 95/100.

Lets play guess the sound effect…

Lets play guess the sound effect…


John Glaser feels that Compass Box’s sales are hitting a bit of a slump so creates another illegal label for one of his whiskies and reports himself to the SWA again.


Butt Plug packaging now at critical levels in the whisky industry. Consumers have been hit throughout 2016 with releases such as Glenbungrangie, Arsebeg, the Springbungk, Bungrow and Hazelbung ‘Bungletts & Kilplugins’ series and the notorious North Plug Bungin bottled for Dubai Duty Free. Highland Park bears the brunt of the blame for their King Christian bottling. Brand ambassador Ardvark Martinhardbung said of the bottling while bench pressing an entire stow of recently filled sherry butts:

“So, it turns out people are against the whole butt plug in a box with a stupid name, no information about the liquid and a price tag of €5000 thing. To be honest, I am sympathetic. We do have other butt plug bottlings planned but I think we’ll just sit on them for the time being…” 

Apparently people think it's silly…

Apparently people think it’s silly…


Diageo unveils their 2016 Special Releases. The UK launch event is a 24 hour rave in a field just outside Knebworth. Highlights will be a huge marrying tun full of punch housed in an acid tent curated by Colin Dunnage and featuring some of this year’s special releases poured into a trough with Listerine, Irn Bru, Prosecco, Cherry Cola, Bovril, Cuppa Soups and Goldschlager. Invited guests will also be able to have a stab at smoking crack before trying their hand at clay pigeon shooting using bottles of Smoky Goat and Boxing Hares with Caroline Martin. The stand is called ‘Shooting Crack & Crap With Caroline’. Elsewhere at the event Dr Nick Morgan and Jim Beveridge will be handing out free poppers and Es before laying down a three hour cover of Maggot Brain and busting into an epic, all night techno battle. Jim Beveridge said of the launch event:

“As usual the most exciting bit will be the tweet deck!” 

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!


Disaster Of Malt begin to run out of stock to re-bottle so a second subsidiary company is launched that they can pretend to have nothing to do with just like all the others. The subsidiary is called ‘The ReBoot-Iquey-Whisky-Company’ and specialises in offering extremely limited edition re-bottlings of Boutiquey whisky co bottlings. Elf Benderson, head of Disaster Of Malt (or ‘Molecule Provisions’ or whatever it says on the invoices) said:

“Now you can re-enjoy all your old favourites. Ardbeg Batch 2, Miltonduff Batch 1 and – who could forget – Macallan Batch 3!” 

The labels will be re-printed over the top of spare labels from the original bottlings and will be comprehensively illegible.


Serge Valentin is arrested by Interpol on charges of ‘wilful manipulation of the international Speyburn index’, ‘blatant fibbing on a whiskyblog’, ‘outrageous scoring of Speyburn on a whiskyblog’ and ‘being a bit too French’. As he is dragged kicking and screaming from his swimming pool while desperately attempting to delete his internet browsing history, Interpol agents reveal to the world’s media an unfathomably large hoard of Speyburn bottlings in the ancient catacombs of Turckheim beneath Chateau Whiskyfun. Interpol refuse to give too much away about their source but refer to their informant by the codename ‘Agent Aston’.

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

In other, completely unrelated events, Speyburn’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, returns from his gap year abroad with 70 cases of assorted vintage Riesling and Vin Jaune, a tart flambee oven, a portable alambic still, three Ducatis, the Légion d’honneur and a selection of very obscure Jazz albums. He is given a heroe’s welcome and a jeroboam of Bradan Orach.

Vengeance is sweet!

Speyburn wouldn’t melt in his mouth!

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Every year the esteemed Professor Jill Bumsden – the self-styled ‘filth conquistador’ of Glenmorangie and Ardbeg – creates a diary of her brainstorms and ideas for the next year’s special bottlings. This year Whiskysponge has been able to buy a copy of Professor Jill’s 2016 diary due to her desperate need for cash to clear debts for taxi fares totaling more than €10,000. So sit back, relax and take a trip into the mind of the wood wizard herself…

Prof Jill with her thoroughly successful 'White Paper'. Soft, strong and thoroughly vanillaed.

Prof Jill with her thoroughly successful ‘White Paper’. Soft, strong and thoroughly vanillaed.

Ardbeg 2016 Conceptual Ideas…

‘Ardbrogue’ : possible shoe box presentation, could incorporate leather. (Hamish would like that!) Perhaps some sort of intricate ‘lace closure’ system??? (Is this technically bondage Jill???) Ardbondage? – perhaps too far from Ardbeg to work, maybe file under personal.

If the marketing fits, wear it...

If the marketing fits, wear it…

‘Ardbung’ : Chance to beat own record for heaviest most ridiculous cork after Signet? Whole solid cast iron stopper in very wide necked bottle? Need to be opened with massive hammer / samurai sword? Is this asking too much of the consumer? Could be dressed up as some sort of ritual ‘Ardrutial’?

‘Hardbeg’ : Just think of the erection jokes I could make!?!!??! Opportunity for fun bottle variation for bloggers/auctions. Must remember to get quote for bottle made entirely of Tungsten. (is it Tungsten or Adamantium that Wolverine’s contact lenses were made of? Must ask Hamish, he’d know)

‘Ardpeg’ : Possible washing up theme? Joke about being ‘hung out to dry’, ‘well hung’? Could make an awful lot of penis jokes to Prince Charles. Perhaps house bottle in a giant peg?! Next Islay Festival people could try and grab them from a high washing line with their teeth? I’d be happy to go along and lash up a few strapping young men!

‘Ardshed’ : Peat shed, blokey drinking den, place to conceal dark secrets / peat shovels. Could erect (snigger) big ‘Ardshed’ at whisky festivals, people would have to come inside and read marketing materials while inhaling stuff through that vapour thing. Possibly even taste some whisky… Novelty!

‘Lardbeg’ : Ardbeg specifically to be used for cooking and recreating scenes from Last Tango In Paris…? Lots of people who drink Ardbeg already a bit podgy – possible health risk?

Possible label idea? Last Age Statement In Ardbeg?

Possible label idea? Last Age Statement In Ardbeg?

‘Ardwed’ : Special edition bottled only for people who get married at distillery. Can charge £30,000 per wedding to make it worthwhile re-labeling a couple of dozen bottles of Rollercoaster. Must be enough idiots who would go for this. Perhaps make two 35cl bottles in perforated presentation pack so easily separated if/when couple divorce!

‘Ardmed’ : Mediterranean themed Ardbeg??? Useful for Greek duty free? Possibly some kind of bogus charity connection to Syrian refugees??? (note: Must find out on map where Syria is!) Possible to claim part of healthy mediterranean diet? Include miniature of olive oil?

‘Shardbeg’ : special bottle for cunts who live in The Shard? Shard shaped decanter bottle? One to keep on the back burner for a while…

‘Guardbeg’ : Idea for rebranding of Committee, ‘Guardians Of Ardbeg’, special launch bottling. Massive possibilities here, must tell Hamish as soon as he’s back from The Haig.

‘Ardleg’ : Exclusive bottling for land mine victims? But would people who only lost arms complain? Promising but needs further development!

Glenmorangie 2016 Conceptual Ideas…

‘Glenmorangie Retsina Finish’ : Alwasy wanted to do one of these! What’s Gaelic for Retsina? Pine wood box?

‘Glenmorangie Duckling / Gosling / Chick’ : Possibly a way to turn Signet into a series of bottlings. Possible to use different bird offspring heads as stoppers? Would a scale size chick’s head be heavy enough? More research into heavy metals needed. Duty free a strong possibility…

‘Glenmorangie Cellar 1’ : Can’t believe I never thought of this one. Cellar 13 was a good success in Travel Retail, glaring opportunity for 12 prequels!

‘Glenmorangie Brimstone’ : Possible publicity stunt opportunity to create limited bottling and drop on Islamic State as they don’t like alcohol. But… if bottles ended up being sold at auction could Glenmorangie be accused of funding ISIS???? Probably worth the risk if one of the bottles hits someone bad! Recommend fast tracking this one!

‘Glenmorangie 45mph’ : Special commemorative bottling celebrating the first anniversary of the A9 average speed camera system.

‘Glenmorangie Jill’s Spills’ : Limited 20cl series created from whisky I’ve spilt in my lab.

‘Glenmorangie Buffalo Jill’ : Picture on front of bottle of me posing like Buffalo Bill from Silence Of The Lambs. Possible tagline: ‘It rubs the whisky on its skin or it gets the hose again!’ Does Scotch Whisky Arseociation have any regulations regarding nudity on whisky labels? Hamish will know.

Glenmorangie Yewtree’ : Might finally be time to release the results of my experiments with Yew wood casks. Can’t see any problems here.

‘Glenmorangie Vanilla’ : Might be time to just bite the sawdust and finally do it!

‘Glenmorangie Mariana’ : Ardbeg went into space, any reason why we can’t send some Glenmorangie to the deepest part of this planet’s oceans? Must ask Hamish for Jim Cameron’s mobile number so we can borrow his submarine.

‘Glenmorangie Speyburn Finish’ : Need to find out if this is still being blocked by the Geneva Convention…

‘Glenmorongie’ : ‘Whisky for idiots’ ???

‘Glenmorangie Eight Men Of Tain’ : Idea for half bottle? Or just ‘Sixteen Midgets Of Tain’… ?

‘Glenmorangie Glen Of Virility’ : Once again great potential for willies. Possible branding tie in with viagra? Possible tagling: ‘The whisky that stops your grandpa rolling out of bed!’

‘Glenmorangie Prince Of Tax Evasion’ : Monaco exclusive.

Other assorted ideas and things to do…

Buy new copy of ‘1001 Totally Inappropriate Jokes For Public Presentations’, third copy beginning to fall apart already.

Stop forgetting pin number and try to carry cash when abroad.

See psychiatrist about worsening phobia of hairdressers.

Next time I see ‘Rozzer’ tell him not to be such a prickly little shit!

Let Charlie MacLean win next time we have an arm wrestle, can’t stand to see grown men cry.

Your mooncup is NOT a substitute for a tasting glass! Especially not at charity dinners!

The shape does not lend itself to the correct channeling of olfactory agents. But probably ok for Glenmorangie 10yo...

The shape does not lend itself to the correct channeling of olfactory agents. But probably ok for Glenmorangie 10yo…

Don’t rest hand on Prince Charles’s arse when gazing adoringly into his eyes and laughing at his incest jokes – Camilla doesn’t like it.

If you can’t smoke weed in a tax haven then where the hell can you Jill!

Eat fewer Aubergines.

Next time you’re at a whisky festival in a particularly revealing dress and some bloke makes a saucy comment remember to state feminist case for freedom of female expression. Don’t just punch them this time. (unless they’re hot in which case slip hotel address and room number into sporran / hip pocket).

Just because it's christmas doesn't mean it's ok to touch!

Just because it’s christmas doesn’t mean it’s ok to touch!

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