Every year the esteemed Professor Jill Bumsden – the self-styled ‘filth conquistador’ of Glenmorangie and Ardbeg – creates a diary of her brainstorms and ideas for the next year’s special bottlings. This year Whiskysponge has been able to buy a copy of Professor Jill’s 2016 diary due to her desperate need for cash to clear debts for taxi fares totaling more than €10,000. So sit back, relax and take a trip into the mind of the wood wizard herself…
Prof Jill with her thoroughly successful ‘White Paper’. Soft, strong and thoroughly vanillaed.
Ardbeg 2016 Conceptual Ideas…
‘Ardbrogue’ : possible shoe box presentation, could incorporate leather. (Hamish would like that!) Perhaps some sort of intricate ‘lace closure’ system??? (Is this technically bondage Jill???) Ardbondage? – perhaps too far from Ardbeg to work, maybe file under personal.
If the marketing fits, wear it…
‘Ardbung’ : Chance to beat own record for heaviest most ridiculous cork after Signet? Whole solid cast iron stopper in very wide necked bottle? Need to be opened with massive hammer / samurai sword? Is this asking too much of the consumer? Could be dressed up as some sort of ritual ‘Ardrutial’?
‘Hardbeg’ : Just think of the erection jokes I could make!?!!??! Opportunity for fun bottle variation for bloggers/auctions. Must remember to get quote for bottle made entirely of Tungsten. (is it Tungsten or Adamantium that Wolverine’s contact lenses were made of? Must ask Hamish, he’d know)
‘Ardpeg’ : Possible washing up theme? Joke about being ‘hung out to dry’, ‘well hung’? Could make an awful lot of penis jokes to Prince Charles. Perhaps house bottle in a giant peg?! Next Islay Festival people could try and grab them from a high washing line with their teeth? I’d be happy to go along and lash up a few strapping young men!
‘Ardshed’ : Peat shed, blokey drinking den, place to conceal dark secrets / peat shovels. Could erect (snigger) big ‘Ardshed’ at whisky festivals, people would have to come inside and read marketing materials while inhaling stuff through that vapour thing. Possibly even taste some whisky… Novelty!
‘Lardbeg’ : Ardbeg specifically to be used for cooking and recreating scenes from Last Tango In Paris…? Lots of people who drink Ardbeg already a bit podgy – possible health risk?
Possible label idea? Last Age Statement In Ardbeg?
‘Ardwed’ : Special edition bottled only for people who get married at distillery. Can charge £30,000 per wedding to make it worthwhile re-labeling a couple of dozen bottles of Rollercoaster. Must be enough idiots who would go for this. Perhaps make two 35cl bottles in perforated presentation pack so easily separated if/when couple divorce!
‘Ardmed’ : Mediterranean themed Ardbeg??? Useful for Greek duty free? Possibly some kind of bogus charity connection to Syrian refugees??? (note: Must find out on map where Syria is!) Possible to claim part of healthy mediterranean diet? Include miniature of olive oil?
‘Shardbeg’ : special bottle for cunts who live in The Shard? Shard shaped decanter bottle? One to keep on the back burner for a while…
‘Guardbeg’ : Idea for rebranding of Committee, ‘Guardians Of Ardbeg’, special launch bottling. Massive possibilities here, must tell Hamish as soon as he’s back from The Haig.
‘Ardleg’ : Exclusive bottling for land mine victims? But would people who only lost arms complain? Promising but needs further development!
Glenmorangie 2016 Conceptual Ideas…
‘Glenmorangie Retsina Finish’ : Alwasy wanted to do one of these! What’s Gaelic for Retsina? Pine wood box?
‘Glenmorangie Duckling / Gosling / Chick’ : Possibly a way to turn Signet into a series of bottlings. Possible to use different bird offspring heads as stoppers? Would a scale size chick’s head be heavy enough? More research into heavy metals needed. Duty free a strong possibility…
‘Glenmorangie Cellar 1’ : Can’t believe I never thought of this one. Cellar 13 was a good success in Travel Retail, glaring opportunity for 12 prequels!
‘Glenmorangie Brimstone’ : Possible publicity stunt opportunity to create limited bottling and drop on Islamic State as they don’t like alcohol. But… if bottles ended up being sold at auction could Glenmorangie be accused of funding ISIS???? Probably worth the risk if one of the bottles hits someone bad! Recommend fast tracking this one!
‘Glenmorangie 45mph’ : Special commemorative bottling celebrating the first anniversary of the A9 average speed camera system.
‘Glenmorangie Jill’s Spills’ : Limited 20cl series created from whisky I’ve spilt in my lab.
‘Glenmorangie Buffalo Jill’ : Picture on front of bottle of me posing like Buffalo Bill from Silence Of The Lambs. Possible tagline: ‘It rubs the whisky on its skin or it gets the hose again!’ Does Scotch Whisky Arseociation have any regulations regarding nudity on whisky labels? Hamish will know.
Glenmorangie Yewtree’ : Might finally be time to release the results of my experiments with Yew wood casks. Can’t see any problems here.
‘Glenmorangie Vanilla’ : Might be time to just bite the sawdust and finally do it!
‘Glenmorangie Mariana’ : Ardbeg went into space, any reason why we can’t send some Glenmorangie to the deepest part of this planet’s oceans? Must ask Hamish for Jim Cameron’s mobile number so we can borrow his submarine.
‘Glenmorangie Speyburn Finish’ : Need to find out if this is still being blocked by the Geneva Convention…
‘Glenmorongie’ : ‘Whisky for idiots’ ???
‘Glenmorangie Eight Men Of Tain’ : Idea for half bottle? Or just ‘Sixteen Midgets Of Tain’… ?
‘Glenmorangie Glen Of Virility’ : Once again great potential for willies. Possible branding tie in with viagra? Possible tagling: ‘The whisky that stops your grandpa rolling out of bed!’
‘Glenmorangie Prince Of Tax Evasion’ : Monaco exclusive.
Other assorted ideas and things to do…
Buy new copy of ‘1001 Totally Inappropriate Jokes For Public Presentations’, third copy beginning to fall apart already.
Stop forgetting pin number and try to carry cash when abroad.
See psychiatrist about worsening phobia of hairdressers.
Next time I see ‘Rozzer’ tell him not to be such a prickly little shit!
Let Charlie MacLean win next time we have an arm wrestle, can’t stand to see grown men cry.
Your mooncup is NOT a substitute for a tasting glass! Especially not at charity dinners!
The shape does not lend itself to the correct channeling of olfactory agents. But probably ok for Glenmorangie 10yo…
Don’t rest hand on Prince Charles’s arse when gazing adoringly into his eyes and laughing at his incest jokes – Camilla doesn’t like it.
If you can’t smoke weed in a tax haven then where the hell can you Jill!
Eat fewer Aubergines.
Next time you’re at a whisky festival in a particularly revealing dress and some bloke makes a saucy comment remember to state feminist case for freedom of female expression. Don’t just punch them this time. (unless they’re hot in which case slip hotel address and room number into sporran / hip pocket).
Just because it’s christmas doesn’t mean it’s ok to touch!
Read Full Post »