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Posts Tagged ‘Stromness’

A look ahead to what we can expect from next year’s Disaster Of Malt Christmas collection.

1: The Ultimate Boutique-y Advent Calendar

This rather fetching calendar measuring 2 meters in heigh, 6 meters in length and 2 inches wide is the perfect gift for anyone eager to start their advent for Christmas 2030 as soon as possible. Featuring a 25ml sample of every single Boutiquey bottling so far released. Including an extra 200 spaces towards the higher numbers so Disaster Of Malt staff can come round personally and ‘update’ the calendar as new bottlings are released. Boby Tiddler, DOM’s head of Things That Aren’t Arguing With Customers On Twitter said:

“If you start on January the 1st 2017 it will align perfectly with Brexit, Christmas Day 2030 and the first waves of devastation brought by the first World Climate War.”

Price: £29,99

2: Elf Benderson’s Big BBQ Surprise Meat Calendar. 

An advent calendar featuring dark scraps of meat chiselled from Elf Benderson’s BBQ grill. Vegan version available with just the cardboard.

Price: £19,99

3: The Stromness Advent Calendar

A calendar containing samples from 23 separate bottles of Stromness and Old Orkney. With a special dram of 7 year old North British grain for Christmas Day.

Price: £45

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Comes with a free inflatable Woman.

4: The #WhiskySanta Calendar 

A calendar containing a mix of anthrax, asbestos, cyanide and pin worms harvested from the anus of a tramp. To be sent to all the people shameless and desperate enough to beg publicly for free bottles who can’t summon the dignity and common decency to just make friends with someone who works at DOM and get a cheeky mates rates price quietly behind closed doors.

Price: Free

5: The Whiskyshaft Calendar 

A special calendar exactly the same as the normal one but with slightly smaller doors designed to trick Dark Mollesty into thinking his hands are engorging at incremental annual rates. It successfully leads him to completely lose his shit during an episode of Whiskyshaft where he starts weeping uncontrollably while attempting to thread a needle with his massive Donkey-cock fingers and dousing himself in Redbreast 12 year old.

A DOM bespoke calendar workshop production. 1 of 1.

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Like 10 albino Giraffe necks trying to head-butt their way into a crate of Scottish baby food.

6: The Kermit Calendar

A collaboration between DOM’s Elf Benderson and German meat pesterer Oliver Kermit. The two men have examined each others meat and given them a thorough lubrication with oil and a vigorous rub with a secret spice mix. Then they have carefully inserted their joints and glistening sausages into those tight little cardboard holes for you to enjoy the glory of receiving – for 24 days in a row – at the other end. *

Price: £25,99

*may contain nuts

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Likely to be a tight fit…

7: The Caruizawalinder. (personal delivery by the whisky santa only) 

A special ‘investment grade’ calendar hand delivered on a garish fork lift truck by an Absinthe-scented Whisky Santa who collects payment directly from you in cash and rubs the money all over himself before belittling your whisky collection bottle by bottle and forcing you to drink a bottle of gin through a funnel.

Price: £14,999

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Put bin liners down first if you’re going to let him sit on the furniture…

 

 

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Customers already furious at Highland Park for the new ‘Ice’ release which comes in a different bottle shape are now even more furious after buying a load of them only to discover that they have melted during shipping.

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How DARE they!

Highland Park’s director of Winding People Up, Thorey MacLokiodin, said:

“We have literally no idea how this happened. The bottles aren’t actually made of ice…”

Norwegian Highland Park collector, Jan-Peter Frosybaws said:

“I live in Norway so it’s not a problem, I just left mine outside for five minutes when it arrived and it re-froze. It’s now roughly the shape of a cat I ran over with my snowplough last summer but I’m happy with it all the same. It’s not like I was going to drink it or anything, I’m not insane!” 

Thorey MacLokiodin added:

“Everyone is complaining that it is too expensive. Just like when they all bought the Valhalla series and flipped them at auction for twice the money. It is a shame that so many melted but there are 30,000 of them.”

Professor Susan Paterson, head of Norse Mythological studies at the University Of Glasgow, said:

“What the fuck is going on…?!?!”

Highland Park ‘Ice’ is part of a new series of bottlings. Future releases are to include ‘Steam’, ‘Water’, ‘Condensation’, ‘Liquid Crystal’ and ‘Dark Matter’. The bottle shapes for these releases will be determined once the marketing team can score another punnet of those jazz mushrooms from ‘Funky Malcolm’ when he finishes his community service in Stromness.

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Ben is already in training to emulate Charlie's physique.

Ben is already in training to emulate Charlie’s physique.

Speaking from his socialism-themed palace this morning, left-wing film director Len Coach said that after long and hard deliberations with the bank that the role of Charlie MacLean in ‘Angels’ Share 2: Lust For Stromness’, will be played by hollywood renaissance man Ben Affleck. The news has come as a shock to the whisky world, the film is regarded by many as the most important whisky film since a bottle of Springbank (12yo OB white label big ‘S’ rotation circa 1990 75cl 46% US import) appeared in The Bodyguard in 1992. Charlie MacLean announced in early January of this year:

“It is with a heavy liver that I must announce I will not be returning to the role of myself in the sequel to the Angels’ Share. I feel that one film is just enough for me and to be honest the first one was very confusing, I never understood why people kept calling me ‘Rory’. Also they repeatedly refused my request to be paid £25 million. Not to mention the fact that the filming schedule would clash heavily with my next role where I will be starring as Jim Murray in Mel Gibson’s adaptation of The Whisky Bible. “

Since then the world has literally been on fire with speculation, expressed mainly through the Malt Maniac’s Facebook Page, as to who would take on such a challenging role as that of Charlie MacLean. Victoria ‘Gagging’ Barfly, a social media fiend from Glasgow updated her facebook status with the following updates in March:

12.15pm: “The role has to go to someone physical, just got a sneak preview of the script, that unicycle chase across the Highland Park malt floors is going to be really demanding. I suppose that rules me out for the role as I find it hard to update twitter while unicycling.” 

12.16pm: “Looking forward to seeing the film whoever plays the role. We’re doing a tasting next month.”

12.17pm: “Here’s an article on sheep in the whisky industry that I partially read earlier.”

12.18pm“On a train. Super bored. Why don’t they give me a free first class seat? I take this train at least twice a week.”

12.19pm: “Just updating my facebook status.”

Returning characters from the original film include (left to right): Rachel Barrie, Bill Lumsden, Frank McHardy and Nick Morgan.

Returning characters from the original film include (left to right): Rachel Barrie, Bill Lumsden, Frank McHardy and Nick Morgan.

Ben Affleck has been unavailable for comment all day but whiskysponge reporters managed to corner him on a secret research trip to Loch Fyne Whiskies this afternoon:

“Look I know I wasn’t the first choice for this role, lord knows Charlie leaves pretty big shoes to fill, I mean I can’t even grow a convincing moustache. All I can say is that I’ll be giving it my all, 101 percent and I’d ask the Malt Maniacs to wait and see the film before they score it.”

WHISKYSPONGE: How will you be preparing for the role Mr Affleck?

“Well I’ve just bought this case of Famous Grouse and I plan to return to my hotel room and begin drinking heavily.” 

Charlie has agreed to give Ben hand gesture masterclasses and spare moustache clippings.

Charlie has agreed to give Ben hand gesture masterclasses and spare moustache clippings.

When pressed about the reasons for the casting decision Len Coach stated:

“Ben is a fantastic actor, he’s got ability to string a sentence together after consuming at least seven cask strength whiskies and he’ll bring a fresh new audience to the film that should help to dilute all those fanatical whisky nutters I was totally unprepared for last time. Also I’ve always wanted to meet Matt Damon.”

Online reaction today has been very mixed with many decrying this as a terrible casting decision. The Angels’ Share 2: Lust For Stromness is scheduled for release in November 2015. It details the story of young whisky enthusiast Blow Hairman and his futile attempts to get in touch with a brand ambassador from Stromness Distillery in order to get them to participate in World Whisky Day, despite the insistence of all his peers that the distillery has been closed since the 1920s.

Jon Beach, a stubble-outlined Port Ellen hoarder from Drumnadrochit said:

“Apparently I’m not in this one but I’ve suggested a prequel to Len Coach, then I could play a younger version of my dad in the third film.” 

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