Posts Tagged ‘Suntory’


Black Bowmore 50 Year Old: the ‘redistribution’ edition.

The profits from the new release of 50 year old Black Bowmore are to be distributed equally amongst families of the poorly paid, borderline alcoholic men who actually made the whisky in the first place.

Mango Reinhardt, head of Tropical Fruit at Bowmore, said:

“Well the cask has been sitting in the warehouse for over fifty years and we basically bought some shiny bottles and wooden boxes which are a different colour to the ones we used on the last few occasions where we massively profited from the skilled labour of men who never saw proper recompense for their work. So we figured we should redress the balance this time by distributing the profits equally amongst those who made the whisky in the first place. I mean, hands up, we did kind of build a global reputation off the back of that Um Bongo flavoured nectar they were churning out back in the sixties so it does only seem fair.”



“It’s just like that only our’s is ‘single fruit’…”

Ex-Bowmore distillery worker, Wee Jock MacPineapple, said:

“I’ve just had three inches of new make spirit with my morning porridge – who needs money!”

Suntory chief archivist, Dr Takeshi Maracuya, said:

“After careful study we of course now understand that Bowmore was far superior in the 1960s due to the lower production levels. This enabled far higher proportion of in house floor maltings, longer fermentations in wooden washbacks using gentle brewer’s yeast, slow and careful distillation – using direct fire prior to 1964 – and, of course, magnificent, fresh sherry casks.”

He added:

“Of course it helped that we had a workforce dosed up to the eyeballs on free new make spirit each morning. Although, this was also important as it contributed greatly to the slow pace of production and prevented them from being able to form sentences such as: ‘Can I please have a raise?’ Instead preferring to say things like: ‘I’ll tak’ a double Hamish!’.” 

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It emerged this morning that every whisky enthusiast on the planet is apparently really annoyed at being denied the opportunity to acquire free money.

The literal English translation is: 'KERRRCHIIIINNGG!!!!'

The literal English translation is: ‘KERRRCHIIIINNGG!!!!’

Roddy MacSporran, a Glasgow based whisky collector who has been posting his toenail clippings and belly button fluff to Nicola Sturgeon since 2003, told The Independent:

“It’s a downright, bloody disgrace! I’ve got just as much right to free money as people who work in whisky shops with their ‘client bases’. That was the whole point this year, to release an extra few thousand bottles so that my odds of getting one were a far more realistic 1000/1.” 

Meredith Blancmange Fauntleroy – head of discreetly tutting at customers at Selfridges – said while filling out a submission form for an online whisky auction:

“It’s totally disgraceful and actually downright impertinent and hurtful that people think these bottles are simply being kept or ‘squirrelled away’ by us noble retailers. Honestly, just because we could buy them ourselves at cost price and sell them for upwards of £1000 at auction what on earth would make people think that about us!? It’s a well known fact that we retailers really dislike free money, it’s too yucky for the likes of us and I personally derive great pleasure from giving my customers free money. I can’t help it if we have a ‘client base’.” 

Nick Fandango, a selection of London-dwelling organic molecular matter said :

“Apparently someone has been telling people to try the whisky in ‘some of London’s top bars’. If you want to sit in noise and pay £80 to be lectured to about cocktails by cunts then that’s probably a very good idea.” 

Phil Level, a whisky-human from one of the bits of Scotland where Tinder is like an STD version of Russian Roulette said:

“I decided to spend £200 on a bottle of whisky the other day, I bought a 1974 Clynelish at auction, it tastes pretty lovely. Might do the same again next month. I really need to stop speaking in hyperlinks.”

Shinji Fukuyo, head of doing things at Suntory said:

“Don’t worry, there will be another release next year. It will probably contain prune juice but it will definitely look like the other ones and have similar arrangements of words and numbers on the labels and stuff.” 





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