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Posts Tagged ‘Talisker’

Diageo have re-launched their classic Rare Malts series – discontinued in 2005 – for about five rich Asian dudes to possess via a charity auction in Shanghai.

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Everyone really looking forward to never tasting them…

The series is already notoriously difficult to collect with there being numerous rare strength variations and low outturn early bottlings. Already so far today at least seven dedicated Rare Malt collectors have committed investicide and sold their entire collections via their nearest online whisky auction.

A large nest of whisky nerds has gathered to denounce them as fake on the Malt Maniacs facetube forum with many talking openly of how much they’re looking forward to complaining about the new bottlings for years to come.

Diageo Brand Facilitation Unit 1570.6 said of the new Rare Malt releases:

“You’d think that putting out three new five bottle outturn releases from a series that has been discontinued for 11 years, including two from distilleries that were very deliberately never included in the original series would be frowned upon by Diageo. It’s almost as if money and kowtowing to Asian markets are more important than history, legacy and brand integrity. But, you know, chariteeee innit!”

Whisky lover, Rare Malt enthusiast and author of the book ‘Oooh Gosh Look At My Massive Whisky Collection And All The Amazing Whiskies I’ve Tasted That You Haven’t!‘ Bulf Uxrud said:

“The Rare Malt series ran for ten years from 1995 to 2005 and was designed to showcase single malts from obscure and often closed distilleries. It represented one of most fairly priced, aesthetically elegant and quality driven series of single malt releases ever by an official distilling company. With their focus on distillery character and refill wood maturation they represent the antithesis of the modern fixation on wood. They remain hugely popular to this day with drinkers and collectors alike and their influence can be traced through to almost all serious, modern, higher end single malt releases. Thankfully Diageo have respectfully continued this legacy with these new Rare Malt editions and we can all now look forward to the re-launch of this great series later this year on general release across multiple markets. I personally may buy as many as two of the new forty year old Talisker when it goes on general release here in Brigadoon.”  

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It emerged yesterday in some shop that whisky does indeed actually taste like whisky. Shocked retail assistant at Edinburgh based wine merchant ‘Hipster Binge Supplies’, Tessa Finkelstein said:

“I was just forcing my overly joy-ridden retail initiatives on a customer when they told me they didn’t like whisky. I of course countered with the fact that there is certainly a whisky for everyone and that they just hadn’t found ‘their’ dram yet. I was shocked when upon giving them a taste of our new Macduff 7 year old Zinfandel finish they told me that it ‘just tasted like whisky.’ Some customers are so rude!”

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Just because you don’t like Talisker, doesn’t mean you won’t like Highland Park.

Weary capitalism facilitation prole, Julian Parsons said:

“I was in looking to buy a birthday present for my Dad. I don’t like whisky. The woman in the shop said I did and insisted on making me drink some. It was clearly whisky which, as I have said, I do not like. Nothing about this process altered this fact. She proceeded to ask me what sort of whisky my Father enjoys, to which the answer is pretty much anything on discount or special offer.”

Tessa Finkelstein added:

“People who say they don’t like whisky clearly don’t know what they’re talking about. There is a a dram for everyone, it’s not as if there’s already enough people buying whisky. We need everyone we can possibly get! Otherwise we might have to not employ all the clever people with special trousers that write the nice stories on the back of the bottles!”

Jan Birch, the Drumnadrochit Minister For Tarte Flambe said:

“Why can’t these pushy retailers just respect people’s personal tastes? Everyone knows the only whisky that is enjoyed universally by everyone is Speyburn.”

 

 

 

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It's not a whisky, it's a Flavour Led Innovation. That's why it's more expensive. DUH!

It’s not a whisky, it’s a Flavour Led Innovation. That’s why it’s more expensive. DUH!

Whiskysponge journalists have recently discovered that a new Diageo directive to all its employees has signalled the ultimate destruction of all human civilisation. Staff at Diageo are now no longer allowed to refer to whiskies without an age statement as ‘NAS’ but must now use the term ‘Flavour Led Innovation’ instead. Explaining the thinking behind the move Neville Schroeder – Diageo’s head of vomit inducement – said while forcing a pit of starving African children to fight to the death over a nugget of bread:

“The term ‘NAS’ is very functional and reflective of the nature of the products it describes. But it doesn’t really embody the true repugnant shitness of products like Talisker Skye or almost anything in Travel Retail. As a result we felt the term ‘Flavour Led Innovation’ would be more suitable in capturing the spirit of total bullshit which is what these whiskies are mostly all about.” 

With the world grappling with such challenges as ocean acidification, climate change, resource depletion, deforestation, population growth, massive global inequality, poverty, soil decay and The X Factor. This latest directive from Diageo is seen by many as the final nail in the coffin of meaningful human civilisation. Professor Lauren Clarke from the University Of Glasgow’s department of Depressingly Massive Problems said:

“Human society is already struggling enough under the weight of shit television, extremist religion, unfettered capitalism and the prospect of yet more Adam Sandler films. So this really feels like the last straw. I mean the use of the word ‘innovations’ is particularly poisonous isn’t it. And when you put the whole thing together ‘Flavour Led Innovations’… God it just makes you crave Nuclear oblivion!”  

Neville Schroeder added while bundling vast sums of money through international tax loopholes:

“Making people want to be physically violent; that’s what we’re all about here at Diageo. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to spoon feed warm marketing to some button-eyed brand ambassadroids.” 

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After a recent and regrettable run in with the Turkish Police, our resident expert whisky reviewer and used car salesman Giuseppe Linguini is back and has agreed to take a look at some recent NAS releases for us in a Whiskysponge exclusive.

 

Ciao! Is Giuseppe Linguini here after big long time away in forced holiday. Special education for all people using eyes to read this: do NOT be ever mistaking Haig Club with baby oil in Turkish man bath!

But enough with unpleasantries! Giuseppe is here to be tasting in you some NAS whiskies of newness. These are special drams which say same about age as ladies attending Berlusconi Bunga Bunga party. So it give Giuseppe great micro-pleasure to make for you some sniffing notes for these whiskies. Please stay tuned for next paragraph…

Balvenie Glenlivet Founder's Reserve

Balvenie Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve. Inside bottle AD 2015. 

Colours: Is like looking into the heart of a Liberal Democrat.

Noses: Like to be inserted into foam banana nose pronto! Massive inklings of glue of many varieties. Same type of blue tack Giuseppe is using to make rear bumper of Honda Civic stop self-removing on motorway. Now intense aromas of lightness and elegant suggestings of sick from drunken Scottish man post-chips. Continuesome aggressive punchings of cheap pears from Aldi and total spanner in nose.

Tastings: Like to be back in time when first wife is spraying Giuseppe in face with 1997 can of Lynx Java after intense momentary touchings of waitress. Notations of steamed crayons, laminated barley and defenestrated 1970s toastie machine. Total acrylic overload like spaceship of cheap dildos to fly into open mouth. Now hintings of whisky flavoured condoms and suggestive butterflies of old Glenlivet 12 year old but without drinkable parts.

Finishings: Is gone like snail eyes from pokey child finger.

Thinkings: Is shit.

Stars out of 100 : 62/100 (Like to be waking up at 3.30 in the AM to dark room with TV still on cheap porn channel)

Special re-packaging for bicentenary.

Special re-packaging for bicentenary.

Ardbeg Perpetuum. Silver label version for standard people who cannot take auction stocking holiday to Islay for creamy label version. Inside bottled AD 2015. 

Colours: Pinot Blanc with jaundice.

Noses: Whole fat beginning with many notes of Rollercoaster, Auriverdes, Ardbog, Ardbeg Day, Kildalton, Corryvreckan and Supernova. Now follows sensational distinctness of board game of snakes and ladders made of peat. Now boarding ocean liner of sweetness on journey through smoke to land of vanilla. Taking with us in luggage is old hospital chimney and beach salad.

Tastings: Is total immediate mouth taste of Ardbeg. Suggestings of hidden slipper, Chartreuse vinegar, chamomile coffee, lightly peated Octomore, heavily peated Speyburn and old men of angry bus stop. Now packs of wet fighting dogs – like type used in Alsace for whiskybling.com – also splash of pickled kumquat and overt reminder of being locked in kipper shed by second wife after making her watch film ‘Pain & Gain’ for third time.

Finishings: Middle of road length. Remains in mouthbrain like film of Adam Sandler.

Thinkings: Is very nice for Ardbeg to make special re-labelling of their whisky for bicentenary.

Stars out of 100 : 85/100. (Like to stumble into path of oncoming Fire Van in middle of night.)

Comes with box

Comes with box

Talisker Skye. Inside bottle AD 2015. 

Colours: Wooden Tiger

Noses: Instant wooden bubble gum in huge upper nostril inflation but then giving passage to aromas of false marxist orange. Total inoculation with scraped cask nuggets and lashes of salty whip. Is making life hard for nose. Like Talisker regular without the goodness. Now escaping wildness of imagined seashore like to be in holodeck of Starship Enterprise with Data and Captain Picard. Next Generation Talisker!

Tastings: Minced tea leaf, wood compote and Talisker air infusing with virgin oak matured fart. But now some nicely greeting flavours of seaweed toasty and de-condensed milk. Is moving in many directions like when attempting to make text message in driving while third wife is introducing hand bag to face. Coincidental further suggestions of handbag. Final nail of flavour is aspirin liqueur with roasted fishing boots.

Finishings: Finishes up in mouth like Boko Harum. Only more damaging with wood!

Thinkings: Is good name because sky is best place to send whisky.

Stars out of 100 : 65/100 (like to see distress flare in forest at night but to get distracted by local dogging hotspot).

Tasting is total over now as Giuseppe has bleeding mouth and is having expectations of delivery of fresh mud guards.

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Today Whiskysponge is pleased to offer an exclusive guide to whisky investment by Jasper Clementine, the beloved Brora hoarder, convicted moustache nurturer and writer of award-repelling personal online whisky stream of consciousness: whiskybling.com.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University in 1978.

Wow. Thanks to Whiskysponge for such a great opportunity to write something I had always been meaning to witter on about on whiskybling but just never found time and also the general crappyness of the website is an obvious hinderance which really says long. Anyway (cut to the chase Jasper!) here is my kind of crappy guide to whisky investment which I’m sure someone who is a professional and not just some total amateur such as yours truly will really be able to come along and do a much better job of (Japer it’s really time to leave that poor bush alone). Here we go…

Jasper’s Guide To Whisky Investment

Step 1… First thing you need to do is get interested in whisky in about 1998.

Step 2… Be intelligent.

Step 3… Start two internationally successful marketing companies in the early 1990s.

Step 4… Buy a lot of bottles of Brora, Clynelish, Lagavulin, Bowmore, Talisker, Laphroaig, Caol Ila, Port Ellen, some Macallan, many old blends such as Mackies and White Horse, some Longmorn, Highland Park and numerous other excellent Speysiders and Islays.

Step 5… Put them in an underground bunker next to some old Joni Mitchell CDs, a Ducatti, a VHS of Frank Zappa in concert from 1974 and more broken watches than is strictly necessary.

Step 6… Hide everything amongst about 3800 half empty sample bottles.

Step 7… Avoid inviting Scottish people to any birthdays/bar mitzvahs/funerals/distillation parties/pet funerals/graduation ceremonies/dinner/halloween/fancy dress parties/acid trips/cocktail afternoons/coffee mornings/grouse shoots or wine tastings.

Step 8… Leave to marinade for upwards of a decade and then post photos of yourself drinking them on the Malt Manaics Facebook page until 6000+ whisky geeks crowd fund you to stop torturing them.

Step 8… If further funds required sell the Brora 1972 Rare Malts to engineers looking for fuel capable of breaking the land speed record.

Alternatively you can sell everything at auction. Here are my latest notes on selling bottles at auction.

At first you find small bids on bottles with a big emphasis on the peat such as Lagavulin, Laphroaig, Ardbeg and Talisker but there can also be surprises in the form of Ledaig and after a while even some Mezcal. The whole is very gripping and engaging right from the start where prices really start to open up and rise once you give it some time. Zzzz zzzz zzzzz… right where are we? Wow! The Highland Park and the old Glen Garioch have really exploded with some very clear top bids. Quite incredible the way it holds your attention. Lets add some job lots…. with job lots you have all kinds of prices really starting to make the whole kind of complex and difficult to follow. It really starts to diversify in quite a bizarre but captivating way. We like mucho this style of auction at Whiskybling towers.

In the mid-auction straight away you have the impression with this amount of time that the Cognacs, Rums and Whiskies are really beginning to converge which can really happen with these spirits if they are given sufficient time in auction I find. You really get similarities between them becoming quite apparent. Now out of nowhere BAM: aged Tequila, just coming through in small bids here and there, totally unexpected. But overall it is the peaters that you really get the feeling are finally beginning to dominate, all these big bids on aged Port Ellen, vintage Laphroaig, rare Brora; it’s really quite a showstopper towards the finish.

The finish is now really long – there are STILL people bidding – it really fades and fades quite beautifully…especially as it is my bottles that are being sold. Quite astonishing in the finish really. All these little fluttering bids of Longmorn, Strathisla, old herbal liqueurs, aged Pinot Noir and even something of Gentian eau de vie. Finally wet dogs (I’m sorry Pongo, we didn’t mean to sell you).

Winnings: 98/100 bottles sold!

 

 

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The continuing debate surrounding NAS whiskies and age statements has now been going on long enough that if it were a whisky it would be old enough for Diageo or Dayglo Retard to print an age statement on the label. The nauseating repetition of online debates on twitter and facetube is now expected to last well into the next century and is currently clogging up about 27.9% of the internet; 13.8% of which is related to people loudly attempting to warp the debate around their own strange opinions about single grain whisky.

It doesn't grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

It doesn’t grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

Moomin Fairweather, a gelatinous, free-form gathering of molecules, ladled from Diageo and Dayglo Retard’s cosmic marketing cauldron and set in the mould of an autonomous opinion communicator said while grating a live puppy over a bowl of kitten pasta:

“If people would just acquiesce and allow us to pump out increasingly insulting and nauseating bottlings that, at best, insult their intelligence and at worst feel like you are being forcibly upended in a porta loo that has just arrived back from a month long tour of Peruvian Chilli Festivals. If they would just accept that our pricing structures are decided by HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey and that demanding higher amounts of money for a vatting of 4 year old casks named something like ‘Stillman’s Hipflask’ or ‘Manager’s Nectar’ is here to stay. If they would just get on board with all that, accept it and then continue to trudge towards the cold earth of their grave while emptying their bank account as often as possible along the way then I think we’d all just be a little happier don’t you? Would you pass me another puppy please?”

"I'm sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I'm afraid I can't do trade discount Dave. "

“I’m sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I’m afraid I can’t do trade discount Dave. “

Roddy MacSporran, a Drumguish collector from Glasgow living in a chip-scented human shaped cage of passive aggression said:

“NAS is pure bollocks like! How come things are no like they were when Peter Purves used tae present Blue Peter and it was ok tae say ‘Nignog’ tae the Queen and you could walk down the street without having to buy a bottle of Ledaig NAS from Morrisons? What’s happened to the world? These companies are bastards like! I remember yous could buy a bottle of 25 year old Ardbeg for £3,99 in 2002 and now it’s all like fuckin Nae Age Statement Pish. Pishy Pants that’s what it is! All a bunch of fannies wie their ‘Talisker Wind’ and ‘Glenlivet Founder’s Dessert’. All pure dead baw rot if ye ask me! I recall you used tae be able tae get aw juiced up on Balvenie 30yo for 50p a dram before knocking shite out a few Celtic supporters of an afternoon! It’s aw pure arse badgers! NAS can get tae fuck, it’s a fucking conspiracy every distillery has pure hunners o 50 year old casks, they just dinnae want tae tell anyone! Every bottle of whisky should be £20 and nae less than 18 years old!” 

Godrick Massey, a flatpack word dispersion unit for Shedringtone Distillers said:

“We actually laid down some casks of Highland Park when this whole NAS debate thing kicked off. If there’s anything left in them by the time it cools down we’ll sell it for about £50,000 a bottle.” 

Here are a selection of upcoming NAS releases to look forward to including their official tag lines:

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve: ‘Not as shit as you might expect’.

Arran Balsamico: ‘Italy comes home.’

Laphroaig Select II : ‘Just when you thought it was over…!’

Ledaig Ta Ra Ma Salata : ‘Gaelic for “Jings I’ve got crabs” ‘

Auchentoshan Bland : ‘All the usual lack of flavour and less’

Highland Park Chunder : ‘The anorexic Orcadian’s choice’

Karuizawa Kerrrrching: ‘Money the easy way’

Speyburn Bradan Oral : ‘Your Dentist’s favourite’

Dalmore Apprentice : ‘Paterson’s Protégé’

Clynelish Waxwork : ‘Madame Tussaud’s in a glass’

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With the whisky industry grappling with the fast paced and ever evolving modern world in an increasingly ungainly and haphazard fashion – not unlike a drunken homeless man wrestling with a large angry pig – there are some fascinating and unusually difficult to believe developments afoot in 2015.

It's a visual metaphor.

It’s a visual metaphor.

January

Loch Lomond distillery releases long awaited Croftengea ‘Isotope’. A special radiation-themed NAS edition produced using barley grown at Sellafield. Distillery manager Edwin Custard said through one of his seven mouths “It’s a remarkable product and we’re all very proud. Kevin the distillery cat can leap directly through walls now. And it’s quite easy to find in the dark.”

First dedicated Ardbeg release of 2015 ‘Ardbrogue’ hits shelves in the Distillery’s bicentennial year. Ardbrogue comes in a dedicated shoebox presentation case with bespoke leather fixtures, a special Ardbeg-branded manure removal spike and brown glass nosing shoe. The release comes with the typically nauseating tagline: “Come take a smoky tip-toe through the peat beds with us in our historic year”. The whisky comes from the same random cask, age non-specific vat that they used to make Ardbog, Ardbeg Day, Kildalton, Rollercoaster, Auriverdes and Corryvreckan. Everyone complains about it while simultaneously desperately seeking a full case like Indiana Jones looking for the antidote in the opening scene from The Temple Of Doom.

Give me the ARDBEG!

Give me the ARDBEG!

February

Diageo releases a special app that allows angry single malt nerds to wake Nick Morgan up in the middle of the night with loud, self-righteous questions about caramel and why Haig Club isn’t a 1966 Glenlochy instead of a grain.

Whisky Magazine accidentally prints an article criticising Talisker Storm. The following issue is a 137 page apology.

Dangerous increase in number of novelty releases aimed at cashing in on Valentine’s Day is matched by annual rise in number of jokes on Malt Maniacs’ forum about ‘Valentin’s Day’.

March

Jeanette Krankie becomes new face of Auchentoshan leading to the sharpest drop in sales since Ian McGollum once drunkenly admitted to dipping his testicles into every 32nd cask to leave the filling store.

Noel Harrison and Joel Snedley launch new TV series on Sky Hipster. ‘New Age Statement’ follows Noel and Joel on their escapades as they travel the length and breadth of Shoreditch drinking traditional Diageo products and recounting tales of their days working as stunt doubles on the latter-day series of The Chuckle Brothers. Don’t miss episode three where Noel is devastated after he accidentally leaves home without his polkadot riding cravat and Joel, realising his best chum doesn’t possess the correct dress code, has to try and get them both into the new trendy nightclub – Twilight Moussakka – by sheer ingenuity. Eventually the doorman agrees to let them in if Joel will stop giving away free copies of their books to passers by. Directed by Darius from Pop Idol. Featuring music composed by Noel on his 1968 Mk IV Mellotron with additional whistling by Joel.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

April

Jasper Clementine is exposed for accepting bribes from private collectors to publish low scores for old bottlings on whiskybling.com. Jaspergate carries on for several months involving seven lawsuits, thirty seven ticketed tastings and the publication of at least three tell-all biographies.

Owing to an increasing glut of single grain whiskies and diminishing amount of single malts on the market, the Malt Manaics change their name to the Cereal Killers.

Jude Law watches that advert for Johnnie Walker Blue Label that featured him gibbering on a yacht and dancing like a pillock and publicly commits suicide as a result.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

May

Ardbeg and Laphroaig celebrate their Bicentenaries at the 2015 Feis Queue on Islay. Laphroaig unveil a brand new visitor experience where visitors to the distillery can be locked in an active kiln without breathing apparatus and not be allowed out unit they have eaten a large bowl of the drying malt and three whole bricks of peat. Anyone that makes it out without pleading and banging on the kiln door like a spluttering ball of cancer will be given the opportunity to buy a bottle of the special festival edition Laphroaig Carcinogen. Meanwhile Professor Jill Bumsden appears on the Graham Norton chat show and unveils jokes that many in the media describe as ‘older and more offensive than Prince Philip’.

Queue watchers beginning to appear at Islay Festival.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

June

Glenlivet distillery begins exponential expansion of production which is matched by exponential decline in visitor centre hospitality. The skill of making whisky that tastes like depressed grass is honed to a fine art.

Ailing micro-distillery Abhainn Dearg on the Isle Of Lewis attempts to boost its fortunes with the launch of officially branded selfie-sticks.

Jim Sweep is hospitalised after attempting to operate an espresso machine while under the influence of several gallons of  Pina Colada.

July

M$rcin Mi$$er, head of Number One Drinks sells his last cask of Karuizawa and reveals from a massive cage full of money on board his all powerful sky blimp that there never was such a whisky as Karuizawa and all the casks he’s been selling for gazillions over the past decade have been cask strength Bovril he’s been re-distilling in his shed in Norfolk.

‘Tropicana’, an epic four hour long biopic of Bessie Williamson is released in cinemas world wide. Tropicana is directed by Peter Jackson with an estimated budget of $250 million and featuring an incredible motion capture performance from Andy Serkis in the lead role of Bessie. Described by Peter Bradshaw in the Guardian as “…a completely unashamed orgie of direct fired distilling, deep cut peat burning on explicitly shot traditional floor maltings with glaringly naked wooden washbacks slowly fermenting throughout. I exited the cinema feeling as though I had been swathed in Umbongo and Lilt by a hebridean chemical wizard.” The Daily Mail described the summer blockbuster as “…better than that communist, pinko filth The Angels Share but not as good as Taken 3.” Tropicana also stars Hayley Joel Osment as a young John Campbell and Samuel L Jackson as Marcel Van Gills.

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

August

To celebrate over 600 videos and reviews posted online, a special back to back screening of all Ralfy’s vlogs is arranged by Scottish Screen. A plaque is erected three weeks later to commemorate those who died during the event.

Jan Birch, Speyburn’s inter-galactic brand soothsayer and gatekeeper of the world renowned Drumnadrochit Gay Highland Resort, is finally promoted to distillery manager. He immediately marshals his workforce and begins an aggressive military campaign against all other distilleries in the Speyside area. Within a fortnight Glen Grant, Glenrothes, Macallan and Strathisla have all fallen, been renamed Speyburn and have quadrupled their production capacity. The Spey Hordes are eventually driven back by the Allied Distillers who unite to defeat Jan Birch’s unquenchable thirst for Speyrian Supremacy. He receives a written disciplinary from Inver House Distillers the following week.

September

Dominique Miraclegrow accidentally becomes leader of UKIP.

All Scottish ‘craft distilleries’ decide that their production processes are so identical that they can safely have a nice game of musical distilleries.

Whyte & MacKay is finally sold to Monsanto provided that Dalmore not be included in the sale on ethical grounds.

October

All the bottlings of Hanyu and Karuizawa bottled in those comedy neckless decanters that people were paying over £1000 a bottle for throughout the past two years are starting to evaporate at an alarming rate.

BIlly Walker confirms he fucking hates Benriach as the latest batch of single casks once again reveals perfectly delicious mature single malts that have been mercilessly butchered to death in some fetid and pointless wine casks like unwanted, mewing kittens tossed into a lake in a stone laden cloth sack. This latest batch of once beautiful whiskies features Shiraz, Tobasco, Irn Bru, Ice Wine, Chardonnay, Vodka and Smoked Twiglet finishes.

November

Dark Molesty performs an eighteen hour live version of Whiskyshaft direct from his bedroom featuring interviews with fictional whisky characters in his head and a thirty seven minute segment of him screaming furiously at an old snow globe demanding it answer his questions about the merits of wheat in the Buffalo Trace mashbill. The episode features at least five instances of Dark rendering himself accidentally unconscious, one of hour of live weaving and a particularly sinister segment where Dark simply eats his way through forty eight old Ardbeg Committee newsletters while providing live tasting notes. The March 2004 issue scores 94/100. The programme is listened to by almost nine people.

Diageo announces the 2015 Special Releases and their accompanying price tags:

Lagavulin 12 year old : £90

Caol Ila Bawsack Unpeated NAS : £85

Brora 37 year old : £1950

Port Ellen 35 year old 15th Release : £2300

Mannochmore 22 year old rejuvenated european oak hogsheads : £350

Talisker Hurricane NAS 63.8% : £675

Glenkinchie 28 year old Cognac double matured : £480

Singleton Of Dufftown 12 year old finished in the empty casks of 1960 Malt Mill that were accidentally drowned in a batch of Johnnie Walker Premier five years ago : £13,000.

December

Jim Murray announces his number one whisky in the world for 2016 as a direct tie between a 1965 single cask Laphroaig and a 3 year old Luxembourgian single maize whisky matured in a 12 litre heavily charred Retsina cask in a lockup on the outskirts of Junglinster.

Oliver Kermit takes an annual trip to the UK and publishes a 37,000 word blog post about everything that is wrong with British food before completely fucking loosing it and going on a rampage with a crossbow in a Luton branch of Marks & Spencer wearing nothing but a hastily constructed Bratwurst sporran.

He didn't even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

He didn’t even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

That’s it for 2015!

Whiskysponge hopes that you all enjoy yourselves over the New Year and don’t forget to make audible your disdain for any of that ‘drink responsibly’ shit. Please also make sure you remember that whisky is a pleasant and rightly passion inspiring drink but in no way should you fall into the trap of believing this somehow gives you the right to spout ill conceived, opinion inseminated drivel on facebook or twitter about it.

If in doubt just remember that ultimately your existence and the existence of all those you have ever known or loved – all humans that will ever exist and all that they achieve – is destined to slowly fragment into an unimaginably thin scraping of photons, positrons, neutrinos and electrons across the vast universal toast of eternity.

So stop getting all worked up about NAS and just enjoy a cuddle or a log fire.

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