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Posts Tagged ‘The Whisky Exchange’

Whiskysponge was supposed to write a preview of the Whisky Show 2016, due to a rift in the space time continuum, however, here is Whiskysponge’s preview of the 2116 Whisky Show. It will be of little use to you however, as the vast majority of you will perish agonisingly in the coming  global Climate Wars of the 2030s. Have a nice day.

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The venue for this year’s show will be the evocative, historic and beautiful wreckage plains of the 2069 series of Robot Wars. 

This year’s Whisky Show promises – in the words of The Whisky Exchange team – to be the best yet. An impressive feat as it will be the 107th consecutive year in a row that the show has been ‘better than the previous year’. Apart of course from the great Speyburn blight of the 2070s that we, of course, are no longer supposed to talk about.

This year is also important as it marks the imminent defrosting of Sukhinder Singh. Cryogenically frozen in 2076; scientists now finally believe they have found a cure for being ‘crushed repeatedly by a pallet of Boutique-y Whisky Company Batch 398 Drumguish’. The uploaded mind of Willy Bishop spoke to Whiskysponge about his feelings on the matter:

“Of course I am looking forward to the return of the Overlord. (bleepbleepbleepcoremeltdownimminent) In particular my favourite bit will be the decades long blood harvest retribution. (000011110011011101010101101111000) Some people say it was a mistake to have him seeded with sentient femto technology, but the instantaneous eradication of 98% of London’s Uber drivers was a small price to pay for that time he transformed Elixir House into a Borg Cube for my 83rd birthday.(111111humanfleshisagateway0010100110) Anyway, I’ve still got my memory loops crossed that he just wakes up and has actually become Zapp Brannigan. Chilton is already basically Kif. (bleeptheyhavebeenhereamongusformanyyears11111100000001111111errorctrlaltdelete)”

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Willy Bishop

To find out about some of the highlights of this year’s show, Whiskysponge caught up with the 135 year old Dr Chilton. We find him singlehandedly stocking the show shop at 3am the night before it is due to start.

“I’m hoping that now His Imperial Cask Strength Majesty will finally soon be awoken that I’ll be able to get a pay rise. I’ve been on £25,000 a year since 2011 without a raise. And Stirling isn’t even legal tender anymore. I have to take it to Schools and implant it into the Hatchlings memory banks as ‘historic artefact’  in order to get it converted to Quantum Groats. Thing is, it’ll fall to me to bloody tell him that his collection of 230,000 bottles of outstandingly beautiful old whisky all evaporated by the mid 2080s. Hopefully he can learn to love empty bottles…”

When pressed Dr Chilton said:

“This year The Distillery has kindly agreed to produce some exceptionally rare examples from the archive. The NicholasMorgan Hive Mind has spawned some 1970s White Horse Blend – with the extra vegetal old bottle effect enhanced by Bovril – and agreed to recreate the Lagavulin Matrix again – although the version with Pinky’s Warehouse Tour will cost an extra trillion quantum groats. And then of course there will be Professor Jill Bumsden’s head in a tank which show attendees will be able to skinny dip in.” 

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Sukhinder ‘Galactic Cask Harbinger’ Singh (left) and Dr Chilton (right).

Special bottlings which attendees will be able to download at the show are as follows:

The Distillery : Replicator Code 1164 : Glenburgie 25 year old

The Distillery : Replicator Code 2990 : Springbank CV style

The Distillery : Replicator Code 86 : Haig Club 2020 ‘pre-Lineker’ Beckham Era Special

The Distillery : Replicator Code 69 : Macallan Replica Replica Replica

Karuizawa 1983 Cask 84 Sherry Butt. (Note: this cask is being held in a pocket universe and may not be ready in time for the show. Please register in advance if you’d like to download a bottle. Anyone travelling from beyond the local Galactic cluster simply to acquire a bottle will be inverted into dark energy and placed in Universe 47b until the queue clears)

The Whisky Exchange’s Head Of Sarcasm and Brand Ambassador for the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range, Limoncella Morano, said while gracefully pulling a fresh skin suit over her Plutonian steel synth frame:

“This year we really want to go back to our roots with the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range. So we’ll be going totally retro and using a bottle that people can actually touch. Sadly my flesh-memory was unable to be harvested into my log drives after the Great Climate War of 2034, so we don’t really know what we were using prior to that date. So we’ve opted for a special presentation based on a nerve gas canister we found three feet down in DeathField 445/b – I believe it used to be called ‘Campbeltown’ – anyway it’s really great and even has a special app where you can chose how quickly the whisky inside evaporates.” 

Limoncella Morano added:

“Don’t forget to tell me how amazing my hair looks. Ciao!” 

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Limoncella Morano, pictured here without her skin suit.

This year’s guests of the show are George Grant, Charlie MacLean and Mark Watt. Guests are advised not to approach them as they have collectively drunk themselves to an isotopic half-life of over 2000 years.

Show masterclasses to look out for are:

1: The Thawing Of Sukhinder Singh. Presented by Elf Benderson of Disaster Of Malt. Elf plans to use a combination of vintage hair dryers, dark matter cocktail bitters and something called a ‘George Forman Grill’ to re-awaken His Vengeful Omniscience. Attendees will be able to download a special commemorative Boutique-y Whisky Co Singhle Malt replicated for the occasion by The Distillery.

2: Glenmorangie A Star. With Professor Jill Bumsden’s Head In A Tank. The Professor will guide us step by step through her special new creation. A remarkable new Glenmorangie matured in casks heavily toasted by exposure to the gravitationally suspended supernova of a collapsing Red Dwarf. The tasting was described by scotchwhisky.quark as “It’s always about fucking space with her!”

3: Past Masterpieces. This year’s headline tasting hosted by Dave Broom Version 3.8 Vista will offer attendees the once in a lifetime chance to taste some remarkably old bottles from decades gone by which showcase how whisky would have tasted to our forebears. The line-up includes:

Strathearn 3 year old

Ardbeg Rollercoaster

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve

Octomore 9.0 McEwan’s Toothpaste Legacy

Daftmill 42 year old Inaugural Release

Door Knock Ginsky ‘Simon’s Revenge’

Little is known about these ancient and remarkable bottles. Tickets to this tasting are strictly limited and available only to beings of Dimension Five or higher. Six Quadrillion Quantum Groats per person.

 

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It has been revealed that The Whisky Exchange – the 21st century front for the East India Trading Company  – will be releasing a new range of bottlings called the ‘Elements Of Investment’ series.

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Apparently this did actually occur…

The change was announced yesterday by The Whisky Exchange’s head of having to talk to people: Dr Chilton, he said:

The Elements Of Investment series is just something we thought up the other night. It’ll be like the Elements Of Islay series except where it says ‘Islay’ we’ll print the word ‘Investment’ instead. The releases will still retain all their most alluring aspects. A 50cl bottle, no age statement, minimal information about the contents and a propensity to begin evaporating within half an hour of purchase. There will be a mild adjustment in initial retail price from £50 up to £699 but otherwise you probably won’t notice too much.” 

Head of Lego and playing Worms (1995) on the Atari Jaguar, Willie Bishop said:

“First of all will be Kr1 – KerrrChiiiing 1. Then we’ll probably follow that up with Ml1 (Moolah 1 obviously). Personally I’m really looking forward to Em1 – Economic Meltdown 1.”

The Elements Of Investment series will be available as of April and will be limited to one case per person. Each bottle will contain re-bottled Flora & Fauna Speyburn.

 

 

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It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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London based, whisky-themed world domination squad The Whisky Exchange have launched a new product in tribute to the spirit of Cecil The Lion.

All the energy you need for killing dentists.

All the energy you need for killing dentists.

Dr Chilton, head of despair at The Whisky Exchange said:

“Here at The Whisky Exchange we’re a compassionate bunch and we’re very keen to help with this global catastrophe in any way we can. This is the perfect way to boost yourself out of a depressive funk; if you’ve got the big cat blues this is the stuff for you. It will also bring down the red mist of rage not unlike a cornered, angry lion if you happen upon any armed dentists.” 

The Whisky Exchange’s director of poking people on Facebook, Willie Bishop, said:

“It’s definitely NOT made with the bones of a load of endangered species we bought off the Chinese black market. Just to clear that up.” 

In unrelated news the Zimbabwean authorities have issued an international warrant for the detention of this individual last seen waterskiing on a pair of albino Elephant tusks somewhere off the coast of Gibraltar:

Authorities insist you do not approach him as he may be armed with some incredibly old jokes.

Authorities insist you do not approach him as he may be armed with Laphroaig Select.

Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe’s comedy despot said:

“He’s not in any real trouble, we just want to know where we can get some of his commendably depraved pornography from.” 

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Every October Soho based whisky and sex merchants The Whisky Sexchange put on the UK’s largest whisky event: The Whisky Show. This year Whiskysponge sent our occasional contributor – the very busy Italian whisky connoisseur and used car salesman – Giuseppe Linguini to see what all the fuss is about. Here’s what he had to say…

Vinopolis: booze AND bricks.

Vinopolis: booze AND bricks.

First thinkings are that there is big queue for which to make entrance into face of building. Is nice to see here in Bridge of London and Vinopolis. They have many bricks too small to be hit by Nazis in war number 2. Giuseppe’s grandfather was meaning to make big help in war but was pronto busy collecting very genuine old bottles direct from Scotland and taking to Italy where they are still total genuine.

Giuseppe now is making finally his way into the show; lots of people of many different shades are making fun with all the whisky. Hipsters, Germans, some Frenchis, more hipsters, like Giuseppe says; all kinds of peoples. First Giuseppe must run to shop and have fight with many crazy people to get latest special exclusive bottlings of Queruizawa. Almost has weep tears of sorrow because man in shop says only 1 special Queruizawa per person. Is total unfair and rude and how is Giuseppe expected to pay for show and trip without special Queruizawa bottles to put into auction!?

After big cry in toilet is time to make drinking of first whisky…

Giuseppe recommends not first.

Giuseppe recommends not first.

Bowmore Devil’s Cask 2.

Colours: Is funky dark. Like looking into heart of a puddle. With lava.

Noses: First mega sniffings of dead peat and diced wood. Shavings of smoke and touching up of nostrils by sexy salt.

Tastings: Housepower attack, like mega-smoke hiphop band on tongue. Total recall of sherry sweeties and bung hole suckings. Giuseppe like super mucho.

Finishings: Is super long. Like bad drunken hand job. Eventually have to drink three big chunks of Redbreast 15 years old to washing ash from tonsils.

Thinkings: Whisky is plenty special but is bad for first choice of tasting. Also woman on stand is threatening to call security guard simply for Giuseppe asking for seven cases of whisky for special Italian price.

Stars Out Of 100 : 91 (Like to be stabbed in eyeball with laser pen by third wife when she is seeing babestation on satellite TV bill)

'Charlie MacLean: Babe Magnet'. A new Novel released this December.

‘Charlie MacLean: Babe Magnet’. A new Novel released this December.

Moving now onwards further into the belly of the festival there is muchly to see and do. I am making big effort to speak with legendary whisky hero of Giuseppe’s: Charlie MacLean. But is problem for he is total encased in dense fabric of women. Giuseppe wanders now to rum stand to speak with other drinking special man Jim Sweep. He is speaking with powerful hangover about rum and Giuseppe ask him to sign copy Jim Sweep new book ‘Whisky: A Thing’ but he throws Pina Colada in face of Giuseppe so must go to have removed by big slosh of Speyburn.

Approaching him is known as the 'Sweep Stakes'.

Approaching him is known as the ‘Sweep Stakes’.

After spey-cleaning Giuseppe now looks to cocktail bar. Each year is apparently cocktail operations in Whisky Show. Giuseppe takes first Manhattan, then Sour, then Old Fashioned, then Martini and also Daiquiri, or possibly Long Iced Tea Island; Giuseppe has lost count. Many cocktails and many fantacular whiskies.

Giuseppe now looks for power nap but apparently wheelbarrow of Ardbeg Land Girls is not allowed for to sleep in. Afterwards Giuseppe is being interviewed by Dark Mollesty for Whiskyshaft Podcast. He is large and terrifying American man – known to friends as ‘Old Wandering Fingers’ – with many confusing questions which are hurting Giuseppe’s brain. Is super thankful when two small hipster children called Noel and Joel from halfstrength.com turn up on a tandem bike and start forcing people to buy new book that they have been writing all by themselves without any help from the grown ups.

Apparently they've written some sort of book...

Noel & Joel. 

Giuseppe escapes Dark Mollesty and the halfstrength brothers and now must make more sober but cannot find water so must make do with next best thing: Glenmorangie.

'Pride': Winner of most ironic new bottling title of the year 2014.

‘Pride’: Winner of most ironic new bottling title of the year 2014.

Glenmorangie Pride 2

Colours: Is like an autumn smoothie still in blender.

Noses: Total fig fuck pit! Mega smash of fruits in big rainbow with pot of twigs at each end. Invasive sniffings of boiled liquorice, inherited kumquats and George Harrison’s herb garden.

Tastings: Attack in the night like French Resistance. Then runaway like Italians. Big coming and leaving of different flavours. Toasted quince, garrotted muesli, latex jam, redistilled vodka, pepperoni pizza toothpaste and touchings of cloth. Amazing mouth party.

Finishings: Lingers like secret fart in lift.

Thinkings: Is mega super fancy nice but is not making Giuseppe feel more sobering.

Start Out Of 100 : 93 (Like to make nocturnal stumblings to bathroom and accidentally switch on big lights while leaning on wall)

At Glenmorangie stand is most beautiful lady Giuseppe has ever seen in last half hour. Asking name it is Professor Jill of Bumsden. She is like Brienne Of Tarth from Game Of Thrones only taller and more interested in wood. Giuseppe is totally knocked out by amazing woman. Literally knocked out. Professor Jill of Bumsden is butting Giuseppe with head simply for leaning on huge breasts. Huge, exquisite breasts.

Giuseppe is now waking up in a Shore called Ditch with hangover like Nuremberg rally in head and face like broken cocoanut. But has had massive great time at London Whisky Show, is totally the best. If London Whisky Show is having arm wrestle with Whisky Live Paris; London Whisky Show is totally licking ass!

Giuseppe will come back next year unless he is still being banned from show.

A visual metaphor. For stupid readers.

A visual metaphor. For stupid people.

 

Also they are still total mega stupid heads for not letting Giuseppe buy two of the Queruizawa; label is mucho hard to copy.

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With many whisky lovers across the world seeking ever more interesting ways to get rid of their money, Whiskysponge has compiled this handy two part guide to the great whisky shops of the world. Well some of them anyway, if your shop is not featured in the list please don’t complain, it just means that it’s not important or well known and Whiskysponge is too lazy to do any research or actually investigate it.

In part one we’ll take a look at some of the bigger names in the world of whisky trading. In no particular order whatsoever…

The staff will tell you which end to blow in...

The staff will tell you which end to blow in…

1: The Whisky Sexchange

Where: An underground sleaze-bunker somewhere in Soho

Who: Berlinda Binge, Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton from Silence Of The Lambs.

Founded in the embryonic, dial-up days of the internet when teenage boys would wait for literally half an hour for a nipple to appear in a downloading j-peg; The Whisky Sexchange was a pioneer in the fusion of exceptional whiskies and utter hardcore filth. Now the business has expanded with an extensive new underground warehouse/showroom/dungeon, an international shipping network and one of the largest and most diverse ranges of products in the world. Buyers can indulge in everything from a 1928 Macallan with matching vintage sex toy to every edition of the ‘Jill Bumsden Annual Saucy Warehouse Calendar’, including the rare wipe-clean laminated editions. In recent years they have branched out with the launch of their own single cask personal lubricants and a range of X-rated Caol Ila single malts under the Pert Asskaig label.

Pricing: 3/5

Service: 4/5

Product Range: 5/5

Happy Finishes: 10/10

This is what can happen if you start directly at a Boutiquey label for too long.

This is what can happen if you stare directly at a Boutiquey label for too long.

2: Disaster Of Malt

Where: One of the spare bits of Englandshire

Who: Elf Benderson, Minions, Gobblins and ‘an army of web monkeys’.

Active for over 25 years, Disaster Of Malt has carved a proud niche for itself as the ‘Frank Spencer’ of whisky shops. From humble beginnings bottling many excellent single cask malts and many deeply irritating fucking miniatures. It has grown to become the world’s leading specialists in the unique fusion field of whisky, elaborate barbecue and irresponsible driving. In recent years they have made commendable strides towards their goal of sharing their passion for whisky. With a clear intention that everyone should be able to taste all the whiskies, they have come a step closer to this dream by decanting all the ones already bottled into new bottles with labels that make Slavador Dali paintings look like still life realism. With little flourishes such as a free rack of smoky-hicory barbecue ribs with every order and a range of booze-filled advent calendars available all summer, they have carved a niche for themselves as world leaders in the field of people saying ‘Oh them, they’re the ones who are a bit quirky aren’t they?’.

Pricing: 3/5

Service: 3/5 with standard delivery. 5/5 if you tick ‘include free mystery barbecue sack’

Product Range: 3/5

Hebridean based bollard eradication: 10/10

This one is clad invitingly in 'Loch Dhu Leather'

This one is clad invitingly in ‘Loch Dhu Leather’

3: La Chaise Longue Du Whisky

Where: Paris. The middle bit.

Who: Bunch of Frenchies. Possibly Thierry Henry.

Founded in 1956 as a private cafe club in which exceptionally frustrated French male artists could drink large measures of Label 5 Scotch and chain smoke while wandering around naked from the waist down tearing up their previous days paintings and having long meandering conversations with bored prostitutes. Since then it has come to resemble a whisky shop in the more traditional sense with actual bottles on actual shelves. It also features some of the most relaxing seating apparatus of any whisky shop in the world. La Chaise Longue Du Whisky are also the organisers of Whisky Live Paris, the popular spittoon festival held once a year in September. If you happen to be in Paris it is worth paying them a visit. Their opening hours are 10am – 11am and 4pm – 4.30pm.

Pricing: 3/5 Unless you are sitting down in which case 5/5

Service: 2/5 Unless you are sitting down in which case 5/5

Product Range: 4/5 Unless you are sitting down in which case 5/5

Seating facilities: 10/10

Passers by often like to pop in for a wee chuckle.

Passers by often like to pop in for a wee chuckle.

4: The Whisky Shop

Location: The slightly scummy/naff bits of most cities and anywhere they can gleam money from lazy tourists heading to the airport.

Who: Some bloke and a bunch of his flesh drones.

The only chain shop on this list, The Whisk Shop has established itself firmly at the forefront of satirical pricing structures over the past  ten years. Featuring prices often more than £10 higher than any other shop, the level of amusement they have provided to dedicated whisky enthusiasts over the years as a result has been immeasurable. Most of the stock is now housed behind glass to prevent spittle damage due to the amount of people tutting when they see the price. Much of their income is subsequently garnered from tourists who have only remembered 3 hours before their flight home that they need a Scottish souvenir of some kind. They are also the lifetime holders of the Whiskysponge award for ‘worst online whisky shop website ever’.

Pricing: 0/5

Service: 1/5

Product Range: 2/5

Comedy Value: Priceless.

 

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