Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘The Whisky Show’

Whiskysponge was supposed to write a preview of the Whisky Show 2016, due to a rift in the space time continuum, however, here is Whiskysponge’s preview of the 2116 Whisky Show. It will be of little use to you however, as the vast majority of you will perish agonisingly in the coming  global Climate Wars of the 2030s. Have a nice day.

****

rti6zls

The venue for this year’s show will be the evocative, historic and beautiful wreckage plains of the 2069 series of Robot Wars. 

This year’s Whisky Show promises – in the words of The Whisky Exchange team – to be the best yet. An impressive feat as it will be the 107th consecutive year in a row that the show has been ‘better than the previous year’. Apart of course from the great Speyburn blight of the 2070s that we, of course, are no longer supposed to talk about.

This year is also important as it marks the imminent defrosting of Sukhinder Singh. Cryogenically frozen in 2076; scientists now finally believe they have found a cure for being ‘crushed repeatedly by a pallet of Boutique-y Whisky Company Batch 398 Drumguish’. The uploaded mind of Willy Bishop spoke to Whiskysponge about his feelings on the matter:

“Of course I am looking forward to the return of the Overlord. (bleepbleepbleepcoremeltdownimminent) In particular my favourite bit will be the decades long blood harvest retribution. (000011110011011101010101101111000) Some people say it was a mistake to have him seeded with sentient femto technology, but the instantaneous eradication of 98% of London’s Uber drivers was a small price to pay for that time he transformed Elixir House into a Borg Cube for my 83rd birthday.(111111humanfleshisagateway0010100110) Anyway, I’ve still got my memory loops crossed that he just wakes up and has actually become Zapp Brannigan. Chilton is already basically Kif. (bleeptheyhavebeenhereamongusformanyyears11111100000001111111errorctrlaltdelete)”

maxresdefault

Willy Bishop

To find out about some of the highlights of this year’s show, Whiskysponge caught up with the 135 year old Dr Chilton. We find him singlehandedly stocking the show shop at 3am the night before it is due to start.

“I’m hoping that now His Imperial Cask Strength Majesty will finally soon be awoken that I’ll be able to get a pay rise. I’ve been on £25,000 a year since 2011 without a raise. And Stirling isn’t even legal tender anymore. I have to take it to Schools and implant it into the Hatchlings memory banks as ‘historic artefact’  in order to get it converted to Quantum Groats. Thing is, it’ll fall to me to bloody tell him that his collection of 230,000 bottles of outstandingly beautiful old whisky all evaporated by the mid 2080s. Hopefully he can learn to love empty bottles…”

When pressed Dr Chilton said:

“This year The Distillery has kindly agreed to produce some exceptionally rare examples from the archive. The NicholasMorgan Hive Mind has spawned some 1970s White Horse Blend – with the extra vegetal old bottle effect enhanced by Bovril – and agreed to recreate the Lagavulin Matrix again – although the version with Pinky’s Warehouse Tour will cost an extra trillion quantum groats. And then of course there will be Professor Jill Bumsden’s head in a tank which show attendees will be able to skinny dip in.” 

hqdefault

Sukhinder ‘Galactic Cask Harbinger’ Singh (left) and Dr Chilton (right).

Special bottlings which attendees will be able to download at the show are as follows:

The Distillery : Replicator Code 1164 : Glenburgie 25 year old

The Distillery : Replicator Code 2990 : Springbank CV style

The Distillery : Replicator Code 86 : Haig Club 2020 ‘pre-Lineker’ Beckham Era Special

The Distillery : Replicator Code 69 : Macallan Replica Replica Replica

Karuizawa 1983 Cask 84 Sherry Butt. (Note: this cask is being held in a pocket universe and may not be ready in time for the show. Please register in advance if you’d like to download a bottle. Anyone travelling from beyond the local Galactic cluster simply to acquire a bottle will be inverted into dark energy and placed in Universe 47b until the queue clears)

The Whisky Exchange’s Head Of Sarcasm and Brand Ambassador for the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range, Limoncella Morano, said while gracefully pulling a fresh skin suit over her Plutonian steel synth frame:

“This year we really want to go back to our roots with the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range. So we’ll be going totally retro and using a bottle that people can actually touch. Sadly my flesh-memory was unable to be harvested into my log drives after the Great Climate War of 2034, so we don’t really know what we were using prior to that date. So we’ve opted for a special presentation based on a nerve gas canister we found three feet down in DeathField 445/b – I believe it used to be called ‘Campbeltown’ – anyway it’s really great and even has a special app where you can chose how quickly the whisky inside evaporates.” 

Limoncella Morano added:

“Don’t forget to tell me how amazing my hair looks. Ciao!” 

14522728_10210752237221219_6400782071032052848_n

Limoncella Morano, pictured here without her skin suit.

This year’s guests of the show are George Grant, Charlie MacLean and Mark Watt. Guests are advised not to approach them as they have collectively drunk themselves to an isotopic half-life of over 2000 years.

Show masterclasses to look out for are:

1: The Thawing Of Sukhinder Singh. Presented by Elf Benderson of Disaster Of Malt. Elf plans to use a combination of vintage hair dryers, dark matter cocktail bitters and something called a ‘George Forman Grill’ to re-awaken His Vengeful Omniscience. Attendees will be able to download a special commemorative Boutique-y Whisky Co Singhle Malt replicated for the occasion by The Distillery.

2: Glenmorangie A Star. With Professor Jill Bumsden’s Head In A Tank. The Professor will guide us step by step through her special new creation. A remarkable new Glenmorangie matured in casks heavily toasted by exposure to the gravitationally suspended supernova of a collapsing Red Dwarf. The tasting was described by scotchwhisky.quark as “It’s always about fucking space with her!”

3: Past Masterpieces. This year’s headline tasting hosted by Dave Broom Version 3.8 Vista will offer attendees the once in a lifetime chance to taste some remarkably old bottles from decades gone by which showcase how whisky would have tasted to our forebears. The line-up includes:

Strathearn 3 year old

Ardbeg Rollercoaster

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve

Octomore 9.0 McEwan’s Toothpaste Legacy

Daftmill 42 year old Inaugural Release

Door Knock Ginsky ‘Simon’s Revenge’

Little is known about these ancient and remarkable bottles. Tickets to this tasting are strictly limited and available only to beings of Dimension Five or higher. Six Quadrillion Quantum Groats per person.

 

Read Full Post »

With the London Whisky Show now well underway and Giuseppe Linguini’s whereabouts currently unknown; Whiskysponge has managed to secure a rare and exclusive interview with the head of the Whisky Sexchange: Berlinda Bernardo Binge.

Berlinda hosting a tasting at last years show.

Berlinda hosting a tasting at last years show.

Whiskysponge: Hello Berlinda, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.

Berlinda Bernardo Binge: Not a problem but can we keep it brief as I have a couple of dozen meetings to attend to this morning. 

WS: Of course. Tell us how did you become interested in Whisky?

BBB: It all began back in the 1980s when I was working at the old family ranch in Brazil overseeing the building of roads through the Amazon rain forest. I was also somehow attending the London College Of Megalomania where I achieved a first in Greek Literature and Exploring The Cosmos. Having to divide my time between the two gave me my first real taste of workaholism and with the amount of whisky I was drinking to get me through it all just seemed to gel from there. I got mainly into miniatures at first as they are quite handy for the pocket and can be easily thrown at minions or passing paupers. To this day I still have a great passion for deforestation and often practice it on my annual day off. 

The Wood Makes The Whiskysexchange

The Wood Makes The Whiskysexchange

WS: So tell us how did The Whisky Sexchange come about?

BBB: In the late 1990s I left rehab for my quite serious addiction to Super Mario Kart and decided I needed a new, fresh direction in life. I wanted to further develop my passion for whisky and chronic workaholism but it just needed something else. I was struck by the sheer number of drunk people exchanging bodily fluids in the streets around Soho and realised that alcohol and sex have a long and healthy relationship; one that was ripe for exploitation. Thus the Whisky Sexchange was born. It all started in a small loft above a guitar shop on Denmark Street. Our clients would throw a bag of money – or other valuables – through the loft hatch and we’d drop down a selection of rudimentary dildos, some flavoured lubes and a bottle of Samaroli Ord Bouquet 1962. It was a very workable system and I was soon able to start working nights as well as weekends. 

WS: You’ve come a long way since then. Your new headquarters are quite impressive. Tell us about how you see the business now and what your ultimate goals are?

BBB: I’m very proud of what we’ve achieved. I have many long term goals. Apart from my obvious passions for whisky, extravagant sexual paraphernalia, deforestation; what I’d really love to see in the long term is even more money and total global dominion over all beings. That and I’d really like a new Smart car at some point because the one I’ve got is getting massively on my tits. 

WS: It hasn’t all been plain sailing; there have been controversies along the way. How would you respond to your critics who say a variety of mean things about you?

BBB: I’d probably punch them in the face. 

WS: Ok…

BBB: The ones who are still alive anyway. 

WS: And is there any truth to the rumours about you and Jim Murray.

BBB: Yes, Jim and I were an item for a time in the early 1990s. He taught me a lot about love, about myself, about rimming. We were both much younger then of course; I was a young woman of 23; discovering my newly budding sexuality; he was only 68 and just getting seriously into his first Panama hat sponsorship deal. 

WS: So what happened?

BBB: We drifted apart. I suppose it was inevitable really as that’s what people who hate each other tend to do. I still go round to his house and cut down any new trees in his garden from time to time. He moved once but I had him tagged years ago while he was passed out in a rhododendron bush at Whisky Live Azerbaijan.

The weighted gaze of a skilled lover.

The weighted gaze of a skilled lover.

WS: Can you a describe a regular working day for Berlinda Binge?

BBB: Well I usually get up about 2am and send my staff aggressive, bleary eyed emails about how they’re letting me down and the metaphorical sword of unemployment hangs above their head by a single perilous strand of thread. Then I get in my car and drive from my modest family-sized underground lair in Skegness to our centre of operations in London at about 120 miles per hour. Once I’m there I’ll make a few hundred thousand pounds selling VAT free vibrators to the Iranians before breakfast then ringing my staff at about 5am to get them out of bed. If there’s time to cut down a tree along the way then great. Once my staff finally get here and have stopped crying I’ll set them to work on whatever our latest project is and then spend most of the day reassigning them to other duties about once every 15 – 20 minutes to keep them on their toes and at just the right level of shaky. We’ve just had those special chairs put in where I have buttons at my desk and can send any employee down to a violent death in the shark tank I’ve had installed below the warehouse. At least that’s how it’s supposed to work but the company sent moderately vicious sea cucumbers instead of sharks and to crown it all they forgot to put names on the buttons. Let’s just call it a work in progress. This goes on until my staff pass out and have to go home. Then I’ll usually drink a Jeroboam of 1961 Dom Perignon (Rose if I’m feeling chipper), prank call Jim Murray a few times, have a cheese sandwich and head home about midnight for a power nap. 

Kevin has recently acquired a taste for human flesh. And Speyburn.

Kevin has recently acquired a taste for human flesh. And Speyburn.

WS: What do you see in the immediate future for you and your company?

BBB: Well I’d like to think we continue to dominate the market, that I continue to deeply frustrate other buyers at whisky auctions and that our new range of sexy lube yoghurts leads to an unprecedented boom in sex-food. You can try them at this year’s show; they’re downstairs in the group room. 

WS: Any last words?

BBB: OH GOD DON’T KILL ME PLEASE I’LL BE NICE I PROMISE! 

WS: ….err, no we meant for the interview?

BBB: …oh, sorry I get a lot of death threats in alley ways and alcoves. 

WS: It’s ok.

BBB: I suppose I should thank someone but to be honest I did everything myself. 

WS: Care to name a desert island dram?

BBB: I have quite masochistic tastes so probably a 6 year old Drumguish matured in some filthy combination of sherry, red wine and South African Port casks. 

WS: Berlinda Binge, thanks very much for taking the time to talk to us.

BBB: My pleasure. Are you enjoying the show? 

WS: It’s pretty good.

BBB: Try our new show exclusive releases. The butt plugs are especially excellent. 

She does make exceedingly good butt plugs.

She does make exceedingly good butt plugs.

‘The Turbanator’: a new biopic about Berlinda will be out in cinema’s later this year. It is directed by Danny Dyer and will star Anne Hathaway as Berlinda Binge, Mark Whalberg as Willie Bishop, Anthony Hopkins at Dr Chilton, Liam Neeson as Tim Forbesmagazine, John Goodman as Jim Murray, Ben Affleck as Charlie MacLean and Billy Connolly as Jim Sweep. It carries an R18 certificate and a running time of 478 minutes.

 

(Parts of this interview were edited to remove the 37 phone calls Berlinda received throughout its duration.)

 

Read Full Post »

Every October Soho based whisky and sex merchants The Whisky Sexchange put on the UK’s largest whisky event: The Whisky Show. This year Whiskysponge sent our occasional contributor – the very busy Italian whisky connoisseur and used car salesman – Giuseppe Linguini to see what all the fuss is about. Here’s what he had to say…

Vinopolis: booze AND bricks.

Vinopolis: booze AND bricks.

First thinkings are that there is big queue for which to make entrance into face of building. Is nice to see here in Bridge of London and Vinopolis. They have many bricks too small to be hit by Nazis in war number 2. Giuseppe’s grandfather was meaning to make big help in war but was pronto busy collecting very genuine old bottles direct from Scotland and taking to Italy where they are still total genuine.

Giuseppe now is making finally his way into the show; lots of people of many different shades are making fun with all the whisky. Hipsters, Germans, some Frenchis, more hipsters, like Giuseppe says; all kinds of peoples. First Giuseppe must run to shop and have fight with many crazy people to get latest special exclusive bottlings of Queruizawa. Almost has weep tears of sorrow because man in shop says only 1 special Queruizawa per person. Is total unfair and rude and how is Giuseppe expected to pay for show and trip without special Queruizawa bottles to put into auction!?

After big cry in toilet is time to make drinking of first whisky…

Giuseppe recommends not first.

Giuseppe recommends not first.

Bowmore Devil’s Cask 2.

Colours: Is funky dark. Like looking into heart of a puddle. With lava.

Noses: First mega sniffings of dead peat and diced wood. Shavings of smoke and touching up of nostrils by sexy salt.

Tastings: Housepower attack, like mega-smoke hiphop band on tongue. Total recall of sherry sweeties and bung hole suckings. Giuseppe like super mucho.

Finishings: Is super long. Like bad drunken hand job. Eventually have to drink three big chunks of Redbreast 15 years old to washing ash from tonsils.

Thinkings: Whisky is plenty special but is bad for first choice of tasting. Also woman on stand is threatening to call security guard simply for Giuseppe asking for seven cases of whisky for special Italian price.

Stars Out Of 100 : 91 (Like to be stabbed in eyeball with laser pen by third wife when she is seeing babestation on satellite TV bill)

'Charlie MacLean: Babe Magnet'. A new Novel released this December.

‘Charlie MacLean: Babe Magnet’. A new Novel released this December.

Moving now onwards further into the belly of the festival there is muchly to see and do. I am making big effort to speak with legendary whisky hero of Giuseppe’s: Charlie MacLean. But is problem for he is total encased in dense fabric of women. Giuseppe wanders now to rum stand to speak with other drinking special man Jim Sweep. He is speaking with powerful hangover about rum and Giuseppe ask him to sign copy Jim Sweep new book ‘Whisky: A Thing’ but he throws Pina Colada in face of Giuseppe so must go to have removed by big slosh of Speyburn.

Approaching him is known as the 'Sweep Stakes'.

Approaching him is known as the ‘Sweep Stakes’.

After spey-cleaning Giuseppe now looks to cocktail bar. Each year is apparently cocktail operations in Whisky Show. Giuseppe takes first Manhattan, then Sour, then Old Fashioned, then Martini and also Daiquiri, or possibly Long Iced Tea Island; Giuseppe has lost count. Many cocktails and many fantacular whiskies.

Giuseppe now looks for power nap but apparently wheelbarrow of Ardbeg Land Girls is not allowed for to sleep in. Afterwards Giuseppe is being interviewed by Dark Mollesty for Whiskyshaft Podcast. He is large and terrifying American man – known to friends as ‘Old Wandering Fingers’ – with many confusing questions which are hurting Giuseppe’s brain. Is super thankful when two small hipster children called Noel and Joel from halfstrength.com turn up on a tandem bike and start forcing people to buy new book that they have been writing all by themselves without any help from the grown ups.

Apparently they've written some sort of book...

Noel & Joel. 

Giuseppe escapes Dark Mollesty and the halfstrength brothers and now must make more sober but cannot find water so must make do with next best thing: Glenmorangie.

'Pride': Winner of most ironic new bottling title of the year 2014.

‘Pride’: Winner of most ironic new bottling title of the year 2014.

Glenmorangie Pride 2

Colours: Is like an autumn smoothie still in blender.

Noses: Total fig fuck pit! Mega smash of fruits in big rainbow with pot of twigs at each end. Invasive sniffings of boiled liquorice, inherited kumquats and George Harrison’s herb garden.

Tastings: Attack in the night like French Resistance. Then runaway like Italians. Big coming and leaving of different flavours. Toasted quince, garrotted muesli, latex jam, redistilled vodka, pepperoni pizza toothpaste and touchings of cloth. Amazing mouth party.

Finishings: Lingers like secret fart in lift.

Thinkings: Is mega super fancy nice but is not making Giuseppe feel more sobering.

Start Out Of 100 : 93 (Like to make nocturnal stumblings to bathroom and accidentally switch on big lights while leaning on wall)

At Glenmorangie stand is most beautiful lady Giuseppe has ever seen in last half hour. Asking name it is Professor Jill of Bumsden. She is like Brienne Of Tarth from Game Of Thrones only taller and more interested in wood. Giuseppe is totally knocked out by amazing woman. Literally knocked out. Professor Jill of Bumsden is butting Giuseppe with head simply for leaning on huge breasts. Huge, exquisite breasts.

Giuseppe is now waking up in a Shore called Ditch with hangover like Nuremberg rally in head and face like broken cocoanut. But has had massive great time at London Whisky Show, is totally the best. If London Whisky Show is having arm wrestle with Whisky Live Paris; London Whisky Show is totally licking ass!

Giuseppe will come back next year unless he is still being banned from show.

A visual metaphor. For stupid readers.

A visual metaphor. For stupid people.

 

Also they are still total mega stupid heads for not letting Giuseppe buy two of the Queruizawa; label is mucho hard to copy.

Read Full Post »