Struggling to think of something to stock up the drinks cabinet with at the last minute or looking for a present that delivers maximum impression of thoughtfulness with minimum actual care or effort? Whiskysponge managed to get busy used car salesman and internationally renowned whisky collector Giuseppe Linguini to poke his head out from under the bonnet of an old Fiat Uno for five minutes to give us his top whisky picks for Christmas.
1: Edradour Natural Cask Strength
Colours: Darkish, like mudguard of old Vovlo in forest.
Noses: Deep suggestions of farty darkness. Like quantums of soil in old toilet bin made with dead fruit. Like end of level boss in Sonic Hedgehog except boss is over-cooked brussel sprout. Stabbings in face of sherry nose, rich painfulness in eyes and ears. Make loud noises in nostrils that echo far back into head. Now tiny murmurs of man cycling rubbery bicycle through face in sweaty lycra. Finally is not unpleasant smellings of jam bucket.
Tastings: ….many splutterings to prevent devolution of tonsils. Itchy teeth. Huge powerful slap in lungs of old air. Like accidental eating of third wife’s lipstick. Following with special kind of flavour from dirty martini left too often in sunshine. Stirring powerful feeling in toes, make feel like shoes are bleeding. Now saucepan of poo is shovelling into throat until all oozing out of noses and eyes. Like time of visiting vegan restaurant with lentil crazy second wife.
Finishings: Superlong, like watching Arabian Laurence with extra desert. Echoes of angry compost.
Stars Out Of 100 : 58. (Like to be waking in strange woodland at dawn with different pants)
Goodnessess: Is matching very super with Brussel Sprouts on Christmas. Is also perfecto to make people leave house and for melting icy snow on driveway.
Badnessess: Is heavily sore to drink.
2: Tomatin Cu Bocan Sherry Cask
Colours: Middle of the rainbow bland.
Noses: Striking sniffings of striking matches and turfy sweaty smellings of football matches. All kinds of matches. Even things total suspicious like Giuseppe’s Tinder matches. Now avalanche of heavy smoked water. Leapings of fresh kippers with lemon faces. Now rummage in barn like with angry pig. Huge lashings of hay compote and dung eau de vie. Now softly softly like peat yoghurt on sunburn face. Like time Giuseppe is sleeping in boat that first wife is untying from pier just because Giuseppe is letting her drive for whole week of Islay Festival. Super little nostril monster!
Tastings: Claws of total peat enter brain and scratch about like trying to pick up lit cigarette while driving on autobahn. Makes for special purity of nice soreness at first before big notations of tropical porridge, dehydrated flour, curious biscuits, vintage cardboard and sautéed seaweed. Now something slightly Jewish like distant bacon. Big arrow of heavily sherried vanilla make sudden impact in throat. Like in highly flavoursome Robin Hood film (but not with Kevin Costner!!!!)
Finishings: Middle in length like final Hobbit film but with super angry ferocity. Just like third marriage.
Stars Out Of 100 : 85. (Like to be lost in nightclub with occasional disco ball)
Goodnessess: Make for perfect gift for person of middle whisky interest and useful for to make unconscious on Christmases Day.
Badnessess: Drinking bottle is making Giuseppe turn into angry monster with heavy munchies!
3: Haig Club
Colours: Massive amount of no colours. Nice to see less active wood. Giuseppe enjoy more distillate effective whisky.
Noses: Total overpower of aromas of Turkish barbers. Distinct heaviness of man smell with touchings of big wood, pine cone smoothie, smoke ice cream and old disco trousers. As we are saying in Italian: Amazeballs!
Tastings: ….. please wait….. Giuseppe is using sick toilet. Tastings of high velocity soap. Aggression of Roman Army contained in liquid of satanic death. Make soul bleed.
Finishings: Mega long time to stop throat from exploding….pleasant after taste of lemons.
Starts Out Of 100 : 24 (Almost total blackness. Like to be lost in boot of old Vauxhall Astra for weekend)
Goodnessess: Can make nice smellings for cleanings of window or gift for total enemy.
Badnessess: Is creating anaphylactic shock.
4: Ka Va Lan Soloist
This one is winning Malt Maniacs award. Let see if Giuseppe can be proving them wrong!
Colours: Dark and mega deceptive. Like hearts of Malt Maniacs who are still not accepting Giuseppe as member!
Noses: Smell of old prunes and rancidio. Like garage of treacherous Jasper Clementine!!!! Now big plethoras of tiny sniffings that make undeniability of complexification. Average food like daily photographs of Giuseppe’s sworn nemesisis Oliver Kermit!!! Now something sweet, like the imaginings of lost membership to fun time club of free whisky samples. Careful nosings of hoses with touches of roses delivered in poses as by someone who knows us.
Tastings: Mega intensity, like pain of rejection! Notes of anguish, despair, forlornness and touches of hiding in cupboard with tears. Salty note from crying in glass! Now excessive Wood. Just like excessive denial by the evil Keith Wood!!! But becoming again very rich, unlike Giuseppe’s soul which is devoid of richness, devoid of dear/nasty Rich Howard!!!! But actually is quite nice. Sadly.
Finishings: Long and lingering. Like aching dagger of Shakespearean betrayal in Giuseppe’s back!
Stars Out Of 100 : 90 (Like cold blinding light of day!)
Goodnessess:Quite nice whisky that is tasting megaly of Christmases.
Badnessess: Giuseppe is still not member of Malt Maniacs!
5: Speyburn Bradan Orach
Colours: Goldish. Like pubic hair of sexy salmon!
Noses: Massive character like big salmon leaping up spey river straight into nostrils. Total embrace of special aroma and power; like to be given physiotherapy by distillery manager himself. Big sniffings of moist water, warehouse dampness, moss flavour Angel Delight, rock and vintage playboy magazine from Netherlands. Touchings of breasts and stirrings of trousers.
Tastings: Intense and massive complexity of vanilla and cereal and vanilla and cereal. Now topping notes of vanilla with deep and intimate touchings of cereal. Total surprise flavour of vanilla out of blue behind cereal curtain. Speech robbing powers of magic salmon God whisky.
Finishings: Winding through Giuseppe’s heart like river Spey made of tarmac on which can drive Alfa Romeo with pet Salmon.
Stars Out Of 100 : 98 (like punched in eyeball by sun’s big brother. Losing 2 points for smallness of bottle size!)
Goodnessess: Is Speyburn!
Badnessess: Will be in hospital for fighting away jealous relatives.
UPDATE / BONUS: ACTUAL HAIG CLUB. Other bottle is apparently dodgy fake.
5: Actual Haig Club
Colours: Deep shade of healthy urine sample.
Noses: Thinly scented of sweaty money and vintage rice crispies. Dead weetabix with touches of David Beckham. Continuesome suggestions of variety of flammable liquids. Like worm of sweetness wriggling up through nose and into brain hole.
Tastings: Agitated cactus arrives in mouth looking for quick exit! Powerful existence in mouth, definite presence of poltergeist of angry flavour. Falls down like girly footballer after single tackle of mouth! Now making big associations of foam banana jelly and eruption of stillness in texture. Power to make cry big time!
Finishings: Disappears like genitals in winter pond!
Stars Out Of 100: 22 (Prefer fake version)