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Posts Tagged ‘Tomatin’

Struggling to think of something to stock up the drinks cabinet with at the last minute or looking for a present that delivers maximum impression of thoughtfulness with minimum actual care or effort? Whiskysponge managed to get busy used car salesman and internationally renowned whisky collector Giuseppe Linguini to poke his head out from under the bonnet of an old Fiat Uno for five minutes to give us his top whisky picks for Christmas.

Special whisky for to make vegetables in face

Special whisky for to make vegetables in face

1: Edradour Natural Cask Strength

Colours: Darkish, like mudguard of old Vovlo in forest.

Noses: Deep suggestions of farty darkness. Like quantums of soil in old toilet bin made with dead fruit. Like end of level boss in Sonic Hedgehog except boss is over-cooked brussel sprout. Stabbings in face of sherry nose, rich painfulness in eyes and ears. Make loud noises in nostrils that echo far back into head. Now tiny murmurs of man cycling rubbery bicycle through face in sweaty lycra. Finally is not unpleasant smellings of jam bucket.

Tastings: ….many splutterings to prevent devolution of tonsils. Itchy teeth. Huge powerful slap in lungs of old air. Like accidental eating of third wife’s lipstick. Following with special kind of flavour from dirty martini left too often in sunshine. Stirring powerful feeling in toes, make feel like shoes are bleeding. Now saucepan of poo is shovelling into throat until all oozing out of noses and eyes. Like time of visiting vegan restaurant with lentil crazy second wife.

Finishings: Superlong, like watching Arabian Laurence with extra desert. Echoes of angry compost.

Stars Out Of 100 : 58. (Like to be waking in strange woodland at dawn with different pants)

Goodnessess: Is matching very super with Brussel Sprouts on Christmas. Is also perfecto to make people leave house and for melting icy snow on driveway.

Badnessess: Is heavily sore to drink.

Giuseppe's favourite little monster. (Apart from Emiliana from the Bunga Booty club!)

Giuseppe’s favourite little monster. (Apart from Emiliana from the Bunga Booty club!)

2: Tomatin Cu Bocan Sherry Cask

Colours: Middle of the rainbow bland.

Noses: Striking sniffings of striking matches and turfy sweaty smellings of football matches. All kinds of matches. Even things total suspicious like Giuseppe’s Tinder matches. Now avalanche of heavy smoked water. Leapings of fresh kippers with lemon faces. Now rummage in barn like with angry pig. Huge lashings of hay compote and dung eau de vie. Now softly softly like peat yoghurt on sunburn face. Like time Giuseppe is sleeping in boat that first wife is untying from pier just because Giuseppe is letting her drive for whole week of Islay Festival. Super little nostril monster!

Tastings: Claws of total peat enter brain and scratch about like trying to pick up lit cigarette while driving on autobahn. Makes for special purity of nice soreness at first before big notations of tropical porridge, dehydrated flour, curious biscuits, vintage cardboard and sautéed seaweed. Now something slightly Jewish like distant bacon. Big arrow of heavily sherried vanilla make sudden impact in throat. Like in highly flavoursome Robin Hood film (but not with Kevin Costner!!!!)

Finishings: Middle in length like final Hobbit film but with super angry ferocity. Just like third marriage.

Stars Out Of 100 : 85. (Like to be lost in nightclub with occasional disco ball)

Goodnessess: Make for perfect gift for person of middle whisky interest and useful for to make unconscious on Christmases Day.

Badnessess: Drinking bottle is making Giuseppe turn into angry monster with heavy munchies!

Haig Club

Haig Club

3: Haig Club

Colours: Massive amount of no colours. Nice to see less active wood. Giuseppe enjoy more distillate effective whisky.

Noses: Total overpower of aromas of Turkish barbers. Distinct heaviness of man smell with touchings of big wood, pine cone smoothie, smoke ice cream and old disco trousers. As we are saying in Italian: Amazeballs!

Tastings: ….. please wait….. Giuseppe is using sick toilet. Tastings of high velocity soap. Aggression of Roman Army contained in liquid of satanic death. Make soul bleed.

Finishings: Mega long time to stop throat from exploding….pleasant after taste of lemons.

Starts Out Of 100 : 24 (Almost total blackness. Like to be lost in boot of old Vauxhall Astra for weekend)

Goodnessess: Can make nice smellings for cleanings of window or gift for total enemy.

Badnessess: Is creating anaphylactic shock.

Ca Ra Van

Ca Ra Van

4: Ka Va Lan Soloist

This one is winning Malt Maniacs award. Let see if Giuseppe can be proving them wrong!

Colours: Dark and mega deceptive. Like hearts of Malt Maniacs who are still not accepting Giuseppe as member!

Noses: Smell of old prunes and rancidio. Like garage of treacherous Jasper Clementine!!!! Now big plethoras of tiny sniffings that make undeniability of complexification. Average food like daily photographs of Giuseppe’s sworn nemesisis Oliver Kermit!!! Now something sweet, like the imaginings of lost membership to fun time club of free whisky samples. Careful nosings of hoses with touches of roses delivered in poses as by someone who knows us.

Tastings: Mega intensity, like pain of rejection! Notes of anguish, despair, forlornness and touches of hiding in cupboard with tears. Salty note from crying in glass! Now excessive Wood. Just like excessive denial by the evil Keith Wood!!! But becoming again very rich, unlike Giuseppe’s soul which is devoid of richness, devoid of dear/nasty Rich Howard!!!! But actually is quite nice. Sadly.

Finishings: Long and lingering. Like aching dagger of Shakespearean betrayal in Giuseppe’s back!

Stars Out Of 100 : 90 (Like cold blinding light of day!)

Goodnessess:Quite nice whisky that is tasting megaly of Christmases.

Badnessess: Giuseppe is still not member of Malt Maniacs!

Speyburn

5: Speyburn Bradan Orach

Colours: Goldish. Like pubic hair of sexy salmon!

Noses: Massive character like big salmon leaping up spey river straight into nostrils. Total embrace of special aroma and power; like to be given physiotherapy by distillery manager himself. Big sniffings of moist water, warehouse dampness, moss flavour Angel Delight, rock and vintage playboy magazine from Netherlands. Touchings of breasts and stirrings of trousers.

Tastings: Intense and massive complexity of vanilla and cereal and vanilla and cereal. Now topping notes of vanilla with deep and intimate touchings of cereal. Total surprise flavour of vanilla out of blue behind cereal curtain. Speech robbing powers of magic salmon God whisky.

Finishings: Winding through Giuseppe’s heart like river Spey made of tarmac on which can drive Alfa Romeo with pet Salmon.

Stars Out Of 100 : 98 (like punched in eyeball by sun’s big brother. Losing 2 points for smallness of bottle size!)

Goodnessess: Is Speyburn!

Badnessess: Will be in hospital for fighting away jealous relatives.

UPDATE / BONUS: ACTUAL HAIG CLUB. Other bottle is apparently dodgy fake.

Apparently many fakes already around.

Apparently many fakes already around.

5: Actual Haig Club

Colours: Deep shade of healthy urine sample.

Noses: Thinly scented of sweaty money and vintage rice crispies. Dead weetabix with touches of David Beckham. Continuesome suggestions of variety of flammable liquids. Like worm of sweetness wriggling up through nose and into brain hole.

Tastings: Agitated cactus arrives in mouth looking for quick exit! Powerful existence in mouth, definite presence of poltergeist of angry flavour. Falls down like girly footballer after single tackle of mouth! Now making big associations of foam banana jelly and eruption of stillness in texture. Power to make cry big time!

Finishings: Disappears like genitals in winter pond!

Stars Out Of 100: 22 (Prefer fake version)

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Another circumnavigation of the local star is complete and your puny ape-scented race has survived yet  again against all odds. As such, Whiskysponge feels it is time to dole out some awards to those of you in the whiskysphere who each, in your own way, contributed slightly to the inevitable downfall of your species.

1: The ‘Outstanding Achievement In Highlighting Everything That’s Wrong With Modern Whisky Marketing Award’ goes this year to….

Tomatin for this piece of pure genius:

“Cù Bòcan has stalked residents of the remote Highland village of Tomatin for centuries, his legend embellished by the hellhound’s increasingly fractious behavior. Sightings are rare, once in a generation, always terrifying. A distillery worker, out walking late, was once relentlessly pursued by an imposing black beast, steam spiraling from flared nostrils, teeth bared. Compelled beyond all natural reason to feel the hound’s dense fur he stopped and reached out, hand trembling, only to see the ghostly specter – Cù Bòcan – dissolve before his eyes leaving nothing but a vacuum of deathly silence and an inky blue cloud of smoke, soon spirited away across the peat moorland…”

Sadly no one got the Donnie Darko reference.

Sadly no one got the Donnie Darko reference.

2: The Special Whiskysponge Award For Excellence In Filthy Jokes

Winner: Professor Jill Bumsden of Stoat Kedgeree.

Professor Jill has overseen the development of Ardbeg and Glenmorangie in the past decade  with a keen eye for advanced wood technology, innovative production methodology and a veritable smogasboard of willy jokes. There was really no competition.

3: The Award For Frequently Mentioning That They’re Afraid Of Being Mentioned On Whiskysponge Without Actually Already Being Mentioned On Whiskysponge For Some Reason…

Winner: Mark Gillespie. Presenter of Whiskyshaft.

Over the past year Mark has mentioned several times of how afraid he is of being tangled up in Whiskysponge. Despite these cooing attempts at evasive flattery, Mark, for some inexplicable reason has not yet been part of our newsfeed. As a result this award is yours Mark. What do you win we hear you cry? The answer Mark, is knowledge, knowledge that your time will come, Whiskysponge will come for you Mark, maybe when you least expect it. Maybe when the ministrations of time and liquid legions  of free whisky have dulled your senses as you sit in comfort by the fire, the dark tendrils of night fusing with its waning flicker and lapping at the edges of your ebbing thoughts. It will happen, there is no safe haven and no respite, your prize is this knowledge, one day Mark…one day. That and a t-shirt. Congratulations.

4: The ‘Macallan’ Award For Being Far Too Easy To Poke Fun At

Goes again to Macallan this year

5: Bland Ambassador Of The Year

Winner: Mark Watt of Cadenhead for his work masterminding their excellent new range of bottlings that really stole the show this year while at the same time staying awake for 287 straight days wearing full camouflage.

Mark Watt seen here leading a tasting at Maltcock 2013.

Mark Watt seen here leading a tasting at Maltcock 2013.

6: Blonde Ambassador Of The Year

Winner: Georgie Bell of the Scotch Malt Whisky Society

7: Best Supporting Ambassador 

Winner: Rachel Barrie for filling in for Iain McGollum while he was having a wee cry.

8: Award For New Distillery That Sounds Like A Breakfast Cereal

Winner: Gartbreck Distillery. Islay. The ‘full fibre’ single malt of the future.

A sneek peek at the label for their first bottling.

A sneek peek at the label for their first bottling.

9: The Whiskysponge ‘Whisky Sex Icon Of The Year’ Award

Winner: Charlie MacLean (again)

He's still got it...

He’s still got it…

10: Special Award For Most Unexpected Career Change

Winner: Jim Murray

There's some surprisingly fluid finger work on display.

There’s some surprisingly fluid finger work on display.

11: Whiskysponge Lifetime Achievement Award 2013

Winner: Blow Hairman.

This year's trophy is particularly suited.

This year’s trophy is particularly suited.

Happy new year. Normal services will be resumed shortly.

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Today on Whiskysponge our regular taster Giuseppe turns his nostrils towards the new Tomatin Cu Bocan…

Is like poster for film Donnie Darko.

Is like poster for film Donnie Darko.

Tomatin Cu Bocan.

Colours: Orange, like looking into belly button of giant wasp!

Noses: Smell more like kitten than monster for to be honest. Like purring cat on face, but then ouch, dig in with big claws. Big scratchings of ash tray set on fire with old carpet and methylated spirits. Begins to melt into nice balance, like when you put barbie doll in microwave on medium power and watch, is super relaxing. Continuesome sniffings of glue, forgotten shoes, old nest of dead bird and big richness of peanut butter, like to be slapped round face by large angry woman in peanut costume….again.

Tastings: Scampers across mouth at first like playful puppy, now becoming bigger and bigger, change in big jumps like Spock in Star Trek III: Search For Spock. Now big monster, like Klingon with bad hangover. Big angry whisky, like teenage daughter in huge tantrum because Giuseppe cut brake lines in boyfriends car because I see him look in not so good way at her. Begins to deliver flavours of farmyards with touch of fish, like tractor driven by crazy salmon.

Finishes: Nice endings, monster have sleepytime now, but also some dirtiness like sleep farts in mouth. Not so good. Suggestings of smaller farms and little fishes, like seamonkeys with lawnmowers. Unusual whisky.

Thinkings: Big whisky, like dangerous rollercoaster where people in front are being sick and you are having to always duck and look out only for nice air. Whisky is like this only with bigger tastings of shoes.

Stars out of 100  –  83 (like when you are driving fast through lot of trees and for small moment sun is coming out from cloud and you swear lots because it is making you put down the sunshade and not always seeing the cyclist on road).

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