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Today Whiskysponge is pleased to offer an exclusive guide to whisky investment by Jasper Clementine, the beloved Brora hoarder, convicted moustache nurturer and writer of award-repelling personal online whisky stream of consciousness: whiskybling.com.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University in 1978.

Wow. Thanks to Whiskysponge for such a great opportunity to write something I had always been meaning to witter on about on whiskybling but just never found time and also the general crappyness of the website is an obvious hinderance which really says long. Anyway (cut to the chase Jasper!) here is my kind of crappy guide to whisky investment which I’m sure someone who is a professional and not just some total amateur such as yours truly will really be able to come along and do a much better job of (Japer it’s really time to leave that poor bush alone). Here we go…

Jasper’s Guide To Whisky Investment

Step 1… First thing you need to do is get interested in whisky in about 1998.

Step 2… Be intelligent.

Step 3… Start two internationally successful marketing companies in the early 1990s.

Step 4… Buy a lot of bottles of Brora, Clynelish, Lagavulin, Bowmore, Talisker, Laphroaig, Caol Ila, Port Ellen, some Macallan, many old blends such as Mackies and White Horse, some Longmorn, Highland Park and numerous other excellent Speysiders and Islays.

Step 5… Put them in an underground bunker next to some old Joni Mitchell CDs, a Ducatti, a VHS of Frank Zappa in concert from 1974 and more broken watches than is strictly necessary.

Step 6… Hide everything amongst about 3800 half empty sample bottles.

Step 7… Avoid inviting Scottish people to any birthdays/bar mitzvahs/funerals/distillation parties/pet funerals/graduation ceremonies/dinner/halloween/fancy dress parties/acid trips/cocktail afternoons/coffee mornings/grouse shoots or wine tastings.

Step 8… Leave to marinade for upwards of a decade and then post photos of yourself drinking them on the Malt Manaics Facebook page until 6000+ whisky geeks crowd fund you to stop torturing them.

Step 8… If further funds required sell the Brora 1972 Rare Malts to engineers looking for fuel capable of breaking the land speed record.

Alternatively you can sell everything at auction. Here are my latest notes on selling bottles at auction.

At first you find small bids on bottles with a big emphasis on the peat such as Lagavulin, Laphroaig, Ardbeg and Talisker but there can also be surprises in the form of Ledaig and after a while even some Mezcal. The whole is very gripping and engaging right from the start where prices really start to open up and rise once you give it some time. Zzzz zzzz zzzzz… right where are we? Wow! The Highland Park and the old Glen Garioch have really exploded with some very clear top bids. Quite incredible the way it holds your attention. Lets add some job lots…. with job lots you have all kinds of prices really starting to make the whole kind of complex and difficult to follow. It really starts to diversify in quite a bizarre but captivating way. We like mucho this style of auction at Whiskybling towers.

In the mid-auction straight away you have the impression with this amount of time that the Cognacs, Rums and Whiskies are really beginning to converge which can really happen with these spirits if they are given sufficient time in auction I find. You really get similarities between them becoming quite apparent. Now out of nowhere BAM: aged Tequila, just coming through in small bids here and there, totally unexpected. But overall it is the peaters that you really get the feeling are finally beginning to dominate, all these big bids on aged Port Ellen, vintage Laphroaig, rare Brora; it’s really quite a showstopper towards the finish.

The finish is now really long – there are STILL people bidding – it really fades and fades quite beautifully…especially as it is my bottles that are being sold. Quite astonishing in the finish really. All these little fluttering bids of Longmorn, Strathisla, old herbal liqueurs, aged Pinot Noir and even something of Gentian eau de vie. Finally wet dogs (I’m sorry Pongo, we didn’t mean to sell you).

Winnings: 98/100 bottles sold!

 

 

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After Giuseppe Linguini’s early exit from Whisky Live Paris yesterday Whiskysponge presents a last minute guest report from the distinguished Jasper Clementine of Whiskybling.com. 

Hello friends. It is I, Jasper, speaking to you here from Whisky Live Paris once again where I stand proudly alongside my fellow countrymen (well, Parisians) to taste some of the finest (well, half decent) whiskies and spirits the world (well…yes) has to offer. Please excuse this messy English as I tend to make a lot of smelling pisstakes.

I keep my samples in

I keep my samples in my wings.

Whisky Live Paris 2013. Maison De La Mutualité. Sunday show. 12.30-19.30. Capacity 2000. 

The arrival is rapid and very intense, I get queues immediately but they disperse with a little time and are followed by little pockets of conversation and chit chat. I encounter quite a few familiar characters but then I’m into the main auditorium and I collect samples of Bowmore, Ardbeg, Springbank, Lagavulin, Auchentoshan, Speyburn, Mannochmore (which is unexpected) and finally a few little samples of all different kinds of herb liqueurs. It’s a really great start to the show, lets hope the masterclasses can hold up to the auditorium.

To begin with the masterclasses are quite intense, but given time they give way to a pleasing and quite warm sensation of familiarity. I get the feeling of chipmunks from Richard McEwan (he keeps some in his briefcase). Here I collect samples of old cognac, anitseptic, fresh paint, some dried herbs and a little chocolate. These are followed by some unexpected samples of old Laphroaig, Macallan and pre-war Strathisla which are smuggled to me under the radar of the staff by some unnerving Belgian admirers of Whiskybling.com (ahh the price of fame). This is all quite full on, lets see what happens if we add a little beer….ok now that I’ve had about 4 pints of Kronenbourg everything becomes much easier and you get a real sense of how fun the whole thing is, now I engage with every part of it and having my photograph taken with all these crazy whisky-loons becomes much easier. Really quite enjoyable.

To finish the VIP area is crowded with elements of eccentricity, there is something distinctly Scottish about it with elements of Franco-German infusion. I collect samples of Lapsang Souchong, the BEST Alsacian Gentian Eau de Vie, a quirky Ledaig and a packet of After Eight Mints. Typically is begins to rain and now, as was to be expected, there are a lot of wet dogs.

Comments: Hey that was good, I really liked it although of course you just cannot compare it to some of the old-style shows of previous years, this one feels very modern and ‘technological’ if you will. It’s a great example of this style but for me it’s not my favourite style. I think you know what I mean.

Score: 85/100   JGP: 911 (hey, just like my old Porsche).

They really are everywhere...!

They really are everywhere…!

And now some Jazz…

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Today an unexpected tasting has landed at Whiskysponge HQ from Giuseppe Linguini.

Grazie mille to my great friend Jasper Clementine of whiskybling.com for this very special sample. He sends me almost 1.5cl in the post. We are big friends, often I go to his special whisky cave for tasting and he lets Giuseppe taste any bottle he likes.

Grazie mille to my great friend Jasper Clementine of whiskybling.com for this very special sample. He sends me almost 1.5cl in the post. We are big friends, often I go to his special whisky cave for tasting and he lets Giuseppe taste any bottle he likes. Especially nice old Rosebank 1910 for Lidl. 

Colours: Very pale, like albino who work in old fish mine. Strange for 97 year old whisky.

Noses: Big nostrils of fruit. Like big man trying to push plums up nose while you are tied to a chair. Also with almonds but not as far up nose as plums. Also with little baby lemon aroma, like when you think there is lemon cheesecake left in fridge but is just empty dish with crumbs and so you just eat yoghurt and have fight with children. Now big smells of wet dogs, but not big shaggy dog from pond, more like little Dachshund from Scottish drizzle.

Tastings: Holy fucking Mussolini! Similar at first to time first wife puts old four star petrol in Giuseppe’s espresso because she thinks that bruises on neck are love bites and not from stray golf ball like I tell her. Big sharpness in mouth, like shaving tongue with big cornflake. Now come more big fruit, like fat gogo dancer who sit on you with pineapple hat (is not fun). More big power, very punchy for whisky of such age, like old kickboxer.

Finishings: Leave some blood in mouth, maybe Giuseppe’s gums are bleeding now.

Thinkings: Amazing whisky, more like French Eau De Vie in many fashions. Difficult to drink but maybe is because was hard to get consistency in Scotland 2000 years ago. Probably all people who made this were have to paying poll tax and shop at co-op for Tennent’s Super Lager, many years before could buy Peroni in Dufftown.

Stars out of 100  –  95 (like when put torch into eyes and switch on and off very fast then blink many times)

Now for make special comparison with other bottle from great friend of Giuseppe, Jasper Clementine. He is very smart, he comes to Giuseppe to buy Aston Martin, I give him very good price.

Special bottle from Mr Clementine. He leave for me six cases in boot of old Mercedes outside Basel Airport. Lucky I take before police arrive, but is long story...

Special bottle from Mr Clementine. He leave for me six cases in boot of old Mercedes outside Basel Airport. Lucky I take before police arrive, but is long story…

Big Bastard. Millésime 2007. 

Colours: Interesting…is almost identical colour as other whisky…

Noses: Very curious to Giuseppe, same big nostrils of fruit, same man, same plums…same dog.

Tastings: Still makes to think of first wife petrol and kickboxers. Giuseppe’s tongue now fully shaved!

Finishings: Also same finish, change name to ‘Bleeding Gums Giuseppe’.

Thinkings: Perhaps this is funny joke by Mr Clementine, but Giuseppe has last laugh, Aston Martin have engine of old Lada.

Starts out of 100  –  85 (lose points for being dodgy = smaller torch)

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