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Online whisky auctioneers will this month be offering enthusiasts around the world the chance to bid on spaces in future auctions in which to sell the new Ardbeg 21 year old.

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Gangbang for your buck!

The new bottling – set to be released ‘in the future’ – is already highly anticipated by people looking forward to telling everyone on social media about their plans to drink it while simultaneously shipping it to scotchwhiskyonlineauctioneer.flip.

Bobby McKerrching, director of just-hammermybottle.bung, said:

“We expect demand to get these bottles into our auction will be high upon release. We’re extremely fair minded here at just-hammermybottle so we thought it would be a good idea to auction the right to enter your Ardbeg 21 year old into our future sales. The winning bidders will have a special entry code emailed to them which they can use to get an Ardbeg 21 year old into our sale.”

Kev ‘Shades’ O’Bovril, head of self-defeating reserves at tearyhambottle.flog, said while lotting a van-load of bottles he purchased himself at last year’s Feis Ile:

“Space in our auction is limited, if we just let any old person put their Ardbeg 21 year old into the auction then how will we fit 17 pages of Arran Devil’s Punch Bowl III into each sale? This is why we’ve realised that we will also have to start auctioning spaces for the new Ardbeg 21 year old. It’s only fair…” 

 

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Give the people what they want!

Percy Gravadlax, head of Ridiculously Long Overdue Releases at Moet Hennessy, said:

“Apparently our approach of shoving thousands of 6-8 year old casks into a massive vatting tank and bottling a few thousand cases each year with a different label hasn’t been as popular as Chip from the marketing department said it totally would be. So we thought we’d try putting some older casks into some bottles and saying things about the whisky on the label. It’s exactly the sort of radical, forward thinking innovation we like to think we’re known for.”

Regarding the price, Percy added:

“It’s obviously going to be really competitively priced, we want this whisky to be accessible to as many people as possible and we really believe in the principles of good will marketing. Oh no wait – it’s actually going to be really expensive.” 

Roddy MacSporran, the sort of nauseating pillock who comments on every single thread in Malt Maniacs and who will definitely be buying and selling every single bottle he can lay his tiny, bollock-scented hands on, said:

“It’ll be a rip-off, you won’t catch me buying one of those. Nae chance! But maybe I’d better bid on one of those spaces in the auction just in case, can’t hurt. It’ll probably be quite pricy though, I’ll probably have to sell one of the Ardbeg 21 year olds when it comes out just to afford a space in the auction to sell one. God I love whisky!”  

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Yes they are nice and of course they are expensive. Now continue reading shit on buzz feed until it's time to go home.

Yes they are nice and of course they are expensive. Now continue reading shit on buzz feed until it’s time to go home.

Whisky aficionados of the world have reacted to the release of this year’s Special Releases from Diageo by scrolling past the various announcements and blog-reactions on their Facebook feeds in droves. Gunter Von Moonter, a German whisky collector said:

“Apparently there is some kind of special releases out again. I am sure they are tasting quite wonderful and looking like excellent bottles but unfortunately I must this year continue to once again eat food so I will not be buying any bottles. Except of course the Lagavulin and Caol Ila obviously.”

He added:

“Possibly also the Rosebank.” 

The announcement has aroused muted and wistful commentary; pregnant with the unmistakeable air of ‘meh’ from numerous whisky lovers across the globe. Speaking from the top floor of an Edinburgh tenement whilst allowing his eyes flit across the rain-greyed stonework that seems to underpin the melancholy in his heart, whisky gatherer Tom Simonson said:

“There was a time when the Special Releases were like the viagra to the metaphorical penis of my whisky opinions. Once a year they would become swollen and engorged with delight, anticipation and thrill. Now I’m just struggling to nurse a semi.”

Special Releases 2004

Special Releases 2004

Julia Crostini, a ‘glass half full depending on the whisky’ sort of person said:

“I’ve no doubt that the whiskies are really excellent and it is a shame that I will never be able to afford them or even taste them, except for the Lagavulin and Caol Ila. I do understand, however, that Diageo exist to make money and the pricing is a direct response to the rising influences of the secondary market on the still-niche premium single malts sector. If they can make lots of money selling them for these prices in the far-east then we should not be surprised. I do still feel that they are perhaps missing a goodwill marketing opportunity with the steep upwards trajectory of their pricing but I am not in charge of Diageo. Obviously if I were pretty much all blending would be cancelled and I would turn the world’s largest drinks conglomerate into an official boutique independent style bottler. But, as previously established, I am not (yet) in charge of Diageo for some reason. In conclusion then, I’m just going to buy an old bottle of Glendronach 12 year old from the 1980s for £120 on this online auction site and drink it like a big happy pig wallowing in a pile of wonderfully mineral, waxy, distillate-driven, old style, elegant, fruit-laced, full-bodied shit!” 

Max Hindenburg, director of ‘Saying ‘PFFF!’ Obnoxiously In The Face Of Whisky Enthusiasts’ at Diageo said while quaffing a half pint of Singleton Of Glendullan 38 year old and coke with some Chinese ambassadors in the Buckingham Palace gift shop:

“We feel that this year’s special releases offer something for everyone wealthy enough to employ an accountant to help them evade tax. Not to mention the sublime quality of whiskies such as this scrummy Glendullan 38 year old, the Port Ellen 14th release and the stunning Brora 1978. These are indeed world class whiskies and as such it should be pretty damn obvious that we’ll have some world class prices to attach to them. I honestly, hand on my wallet, cross my legs and hope to pee, stick a bung extractor in my knee, promise that I – that WE – believe these whiskies to be fairly and realistically priced. After all, this is capitalism baby. Apart from the NAS Clynelish for £500 obviously. That was this year’s comedy entry. It wasn’t even supposed to be in, it only got through because Kevin at head office sent over the wrong file last thing before the weekend.” 

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There's just not enough of them.

There’s just not enough of them.

The Scottish Government today outlined new legislature that will make it an offence for Scottish citizens to not own and run their own online whisky auction site by 2016. Blair Galvistone, special minister in charge of finding things to do at Holyrood said:

“As of January 1st 2016 any Scottish person failing to own and operate their own online whisky auction business will be prosecuted under the 2013 Bawbag Act. At present there are far too few of these businesses in Scotland and to maintain growth and economic forecasts in the secondary whisky sector we need to see a nationwide effort to contribute to the growing global demand for multiple bottles of Ardbeg Alligator.”

Made with real endangered reptiles.

Made with real endangered reptiles.

All households will be given governmental support to teach people how to start up these enterprises and a small floating stock of old Johnnie Walker bottles to help flesh out their first auctions.

Mr Galvistone continued:

“An official government guide can be downloaded from our website. It details all that citizens will need to know about identifying a successful business model that someone else has developed and then half-heartedly ripping it off with a bunch of copycat software and some cut and paste wording from their competitor’s websites.” 

Roddy MacSporran, a pie scented vortex of unoriginality from Falkirk said:

“I had a look online recently at that auction site scotchwhisky-onlineauctions.org, you should see all those bottles they’ve got on there, they must be fuckin raking in the cash. Looks dead easy, think I might have a stab at that myself. I’ve not got much on this weekend I’ll probably set up my own auction site after I’ve finished wanking over he latest Gregg’s takeaway menu in my shed.” 

It's a sex thing...

It’s a sex thing…

Arthur Laminate, a former Poundland supervisor and owner of Edinburgh based auction site hammermybottle.co.uk said:

“I don’t understand, just because I took all the pictures with my iphone and admittedly over 75% of the bottles in my first sale were unsold because they had retail level reserves on them, why haven’t people got in touch wanting to sell bottles of 1926 Macallan and cases of 1930s Laphroaig? It all looked so easy and shiny when I was browsing scotchwhisky-onlineauctions.org in my pants last week.” 

For some reason people don't seem to want to flog these sorts of things willy nilly.

For some reason people don’t seem to want to flog these sorts of things willy nilly.

Blair Glavistone added:

“If something is worth doing it’s worth doing badly.” 

 

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'but this one is a 17 year old..."

‘but this year it’s a 17 year old…”

Following the latest release in their coveted Easter Eggs series of bottlings, the visitor centre at Macallan has begun to resemble some kind of squalid third world refugee camp. Complete with oozing mud, red cross stations and pestilence, whisky fanatics from all over Scotland have been camping out in the hope of acquiring a bottle since last week. Roddy MacSporran, a malnourished, raving lunatic with an incredibly comfortable house just minutes away in Craigellachie said from his cardboard box:

“I’ve been here since last tuesday so hopefully I’ll be able to get a bottle or two. Just as well really because I’m starting to get these strange pustules on my legs and arms and my teeth are coming loose. They chuck us a handful of grain once a day but most of us are reluctant to leave our places in the queue for it. One chap a few places up from me lost consciousness and we all managed to bump up a few places. I wouldn’t mind so much if it wasn’t raining all the time. Would you mind emptying this bucket for me? It’s getting a bit full is all.” 

Macallan’s head of collector bating Quentin Jockstrap said:

“It’s quite sweet how much of an effort they all make, it’s nice to know how much they love our whisky and obviously want to buy these bottles so they can drink them and enjoy them. I’m not looking forward to telling them that the staff have bought them all.” 

Roddy MacSporran added:

“It’s like T in the park but with far fewer drugs and teenagers. Sadly.” 

Dwayne Lightningrod of scotchwhisky-onlineauctions.org said:

“One at a time now, one at a time…”

"Just mix it in with the draft."

“Just mix it in with the draft.”

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