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Posts Tagged ‘Whisky Investment’

A new independent bottler, Golden Decanters, has brought yet more innovation to the already crowded category of whisky themed gibberish with its new set of silly things.

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Why not invest in your own stupidity?

The company is offering four new single cask whiskies of varying age and distillery origin for sale only as a complete set. The Golden Decanters are each named and specifically targeted at in-bred people with enough money to buy Svalbard but insufficient IQ to strike a match.

Company director, Julialalalal Mackenzie-Flounderer VonTrapp O’Bovril III, said:

“We just feel there isn’t enough out there in the whisky world that caters for the immensely gullible, stupid and ignorant. What about rich idiots who don’t know anything about whisky? Will nobody think of them? The poor wee mites!”

Co-director, Meddling Annlock, added:

“These releases are just so groundbreaking and totally innovative precisely because they eschew all those silly ‘old’ things that made other whiskies collectable. You know, very good whisky sold in limited quantities for a fair price which lots of people buy, open and drink and so the demand increases on the secondary market and collectors and drinkers seek out the remaining bottles thus pushing the price up. None of that nonsense for Golden Decanters thank you very much. We’re going to just go ahead and cut out all that middle stuff and just get people to pay thousands of pounds for the whiskies straight away without having tasted them and with zero brand history. I can’t wait for the money to come rolling in…”

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Why not buy several sets and use them in place of clay pigeons?

The Golden Decanters first series features four whiskies:

Bowmore 1989 26yo ‘The High Drive’

This bottling takes its name from the time Julialalalal and Meddling took all their delightful chums on a jolly little Grouse shoot and had a few too many lines of Cocaine and ended up shooting one of the beaters in the face. LOL!

Glenlivet 1981 34yo ‘The Tight Line’

Named to commemorate the solemn day when Julialalalal got a ladder in her tights and had to be airlifted to Harrods.

Auchentoshan 1993 22yo ‘The Golf Widow’

Named after that time Meddling beat her caddy to death after he refused to retrieve her favourite ball from a nest of Japanese Hornets.

Ben Nevis 1996 19yo ‘The Highlander’

Named because they ran out of ideas for other stupid names.

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Comes in a box with stuff on it.

There are 180 sets available for £7250 each. Some have speculated that this is actually a top-secret pilot project to identify and rid the world of 180 total pricks. Whisky conspiracy theory enthusiast Elberto Achman said:

“It cannot just be a coincidence that this comes along at the same time as a new Macallan 40 year old. I mean, if it’s real and not just some clever trap designed to snare people that should not be allowed to have money or the ability to pro-create then I would say we are finally entering phase 5 of the end times. That or it is all the fault of the evil Professor Jill Bumsden who, as we all know, is a baby eating lizard jew from space!” 

 

 

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Diageo have re-launched their classic Rare Malts series – discontinued in 2005 – for about five rich Asian dudes to possess via a charity auction in Shanghai.

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Everyone really looking forward to never tasting them…

The series is already notoriously difficult to collect with there being numerous rare strength variations and low outturn early bottlings. Already so far today at least seven dedicated Rare Malt collectors have committed investicide and sold their entire collections via their nearest online whisky auction.

A large nest of whisky nerds has gathered to denounce them as fake on the Malt Maniacs facetube forum with many talking openly of how much they’re looking forward to complaining about the new bottlings for years to come.

Diageo Brand Facilitation Unit 1570.6 said of the new Rare Malt releases:

“You’d think that putting out three new five bottle outturn releases from a series that has been discontinued for 11 years, including two from distilleries that were very deliberately never included in the original series would be frowned upon by Diageo. It’s almost as if money and kowtowing to Asian markets are more important than history, legacy and brand integrity. But, you know, chariteeee innit!”

Whisky lover, Rare Malt enthusiast and author of the book ‘Oooh Gosh Look At My Massive Whisky Collection And All The Amazing Whiskies I’ve Tasted That You Haven’t!‘ Bulf Uxrud said:

“The Rare Malt series ran for ten years from 1995 to 2005 and was designed to showcase single malts from obscure and often closed distilleries. It represented one of most fairly priced, aesthetically elegant and quality driven series of single malt releases ever by an official distilling company. With their focus on distillery character and refill wood maturation they represent the antithesis of the modern fixation on wood. They remain hugely popular to this day with drinkers and collectors alike and their influence can be traced through to almost all serious, modern, higher end single malt releases. Thankfully Diageo have respectfully continued this legacy with these new Rare Malt editions and we can all now look forward to the re-launch of this great series later this year on general release across multiple markets. I personally may buy as many as two of the new forty year old Talisker when it goes on general release here in Brigadoon.”  

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Today Whiskysponge is pleased to offer an exclusive guide to whisky investment by Jasper Clementine, the beloved Brora hoarder, convicted moustache nurturer and writer of award-repelling personal online whisky stream of consciousness: whiskybling.com.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University in 1978.

Wow. Thanks to Whiskysponge for such a great opportunity to write something I had always been meaning to witter on about on whiskybling but just never found time and also the general crappyness of the website is an obvious hinderance which really says long. Anyway (cut to the chase Jasper!) here is my kind of crappy guide to whisky investment which I’m sure someone who is a professional and not just some total amateur such as yours truly will really be able to come along and do a much better job of (Japer it’s really time to leave that poor bush alone). Here we go…

Jasper’s Guide To Whisky Investment

Step 1… First thing you need to do is get interested in whisky in about 1998.

Step 2… Be intelligent.

Step 3… Start two internationally successful marketing companies in the early 1990s.

Step 4… Buy a lot of bottles of Brora, Clynelish, Lagavulin, Bowmore, Talisker, Laphroaig, Caol Ila, Port Ellen, some Macallan, many old blends such as Mackies and White Horse, some Longmorn, Highland Park and numerous other excellent Speysiders and Islays.

Step 5… Put them in an underground bunker next to some old Joni Mitchell CDs, a Ducatti, a VHS of Frank Zappa in concert from 1974 and more broken watches than is strictly necessary.

Step 6… Hide everything amongst about 3800 half empty sample bottles.

Step 7… Avoid inviting Scottish people to any birthdays/bar mitzvahs/funerals/distillation parties/pet funerals/graduation ceremonies/dinner/halloween/fancy dress parties/acid trips/cocktail afternoons/coffee mornings/grouse shoots or wine tastings.

Step 8… Leave to marinade for upwards of a decade and then post photos of yourself drinking them on the Malt Manaics Facebook page until 6000+ whisky geeks crowd fund you to stop torturing them.

Step 8… If further funds required sell the Brora 1972 Rare Malts to engineers looking for fuel capable of breaking the land speed record.

Alternatively you can sell everything at auction. Here are my latest notes on selling bottles at auction.

At first you find small bids on bottles with a big emphasis on the peat such as Lagavulin, Laphroaig, Ardbeg and Talisker but there can also be surprises in the form of Ledaig and after a while even some Mezcal. The whole is very gripping and engaging right from the start where prices really start to open up and rise once you give it some time. Zzzz zzzz zzzzz… right where are we? Wow! The Highland Park and the old Glen Garioch have really exploded with some very clear top bids. Quite incredible the way it holds your attention. Lets add some job lots…. with job lots you have all kinds of prices really starting to make the whole kind of complex and difficult to follow. It really starts to diversify in quite a bizarre but captivating way. We like mucho this style of auction at Whiskybling towers.

In the mid-auction straight away you have the impression with this amount of time that the Cognacs, Rums and Whiskies are really beginning to converge which can really happen with these spirits if they are given sufficient time in auction I find. You really get similarities between them becoming quite apparent. Now out of nowhere BAM: aged Tequila, just coming through in small bids here and there, totally unexpected. But overall it is the peaters that you really get the feeling are finally beginning to dominate, all these big bids on aged Port Ellen, vintage Laphroaig, rare Brora; it’s really quite a showstopper towards the finish.

The finish is now really long – there are STILL people bidding – it really fades and fades quite beautifully…especially as it is my bottles that are being sold. Quite astonishing in the finish really. All these little fluttering bids of Longmorn, Strathisla, old herbal liqueurs, aged Pinot Noir and even something of Gentian eau de vie. Finally wet dogs (I’m sorry Pongo, we didn’t mean to sell you).

Winnings: 98/100 bottles sold!

 

 

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D-Rob in da house innit!

R-Dave in da house innit!

Robert Davidson, previous head of silliness at Macallan and part time hobbit impersonator has founded the latest in a long line of whisky investment funds aimed at extracting money from wealthy, yet charmingly bemused Asian multi-millionaires, in a bid to offset the costs of all the other funds before it that went tits up. Speaking from the basement of a motel in Honk Kong while decanting vintage malt whiskies into unnecessarily ornate dragon themed decanters, Mr Davidson said:

“I’m extremely excited with our new investment opportunity. We’ve already had numerous interested parties. I got an email from some dude in Nigeria the other day telling us there were millions of dollars in unclaimed investment capital just waiting to be acquired, all he needed was my bank details and a picture of me sitting naked abreast a large pig wearing tinfoil wings. It was a real relief I can tell you as there’s only so much capital you can generate by buying old stock of 1980s Gordon & MacPhial bottlings from Italian collectors and re-bottling them in funky-ass dragon decanters. These kinds of achievements in non-successful business are born of a rare skill and mis-imagination. Who can forget the beautiful failure of the Jon, Mark & Robbo bottlings, no wonder I’m in such demand across the world. Except in Scotland… they just don’t get it there obviously!” 

The new fund is called 'The Big Silly Asian One'

The new fund is called ‘The Big Silly Asian One’

This venture marks the latest in a series of inroads by Mr Davidson into an area he calls Super-Luxury-Unblended-Malt-Premiumisation, or ‘SLUMP’. This has included work on the Dalmore Constipation range, a steady trickle of re-bottled bottlings and extensive work as a part time masseuse.

It's handy for the supermarket.

It’s handy for the supermarket.

Mandy Sampsung, owner of valuation firm Whisky Highland and one of mythic dark shadow-dwellers or the North, Investment Grade King beyond the borders of Maltdor, and heir to the collection of the great Pictish queen Belle Decanteur, said while picking up some shopping from Morrisons:

“Literally great question guys, no really, great question. But I’m just not involved in Robert’s latest venture. I’m not involved at all. All I do is offer some free advice and consultancy. But beyond that I don’t really have a role, apart from supportive cuddles and helping Robert carry fractions, and obviously raising some capital here and there, and I give him a lift to chemist when his rash comes back but really, I’m otherwise completely uninvolved. To be completely honest guys I’m just too busy brokering about seventeen full collections of Macallan Fine & Rare right now. Can you carry the freezer bag for me please..? “

Robert Davidson said while attempting to conceal a 1cl sample of 1937 Glenfiddich in his eyebrow:

“I remember when Mandy first came to see me, she said ‘Robert’ for that was and is my name, ‘Robert, I’m just a Yorkshirewoman, standing in front of a Scotsman, asking him to help create media attention towards the viability of whisky as an alternative investment’. It was deeply moving, just like that film Notting Hill only with far more gratuitous nudity.” 

The Pig is ready...

The Pig is ready…

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Apparently it's quite tasty but you'll never know that.

Apparently it’s quite tasty but you’ll never know that.

The whisky world was this morning in a state of shock after it was revealed that someone bought a bottle of the latest Macallan Easter Elchies release and actually drank some of it. Keith Dunbar, a wind farm technician from Inverary, who just happened to be passing Macallan at 3am last Monday explained to Whiskysponge journalists while seeking shelter from braying hoards of slavering, furious whisky investors:

“I was just heading home late and really needed a piss when I saw all these lights on at the Macallan visitor centre. At first I thought it was some sort of music festival, possibly one of those throwback hippy pagan things because there was quite a sizeable crowd and some of them were not wearing many clothes. I got up close and realised it was something entirely more sinister, they all looked very ill and had that kind of pasty ‘world of warcraft’ complexion, like the fresh air was hurting their skin and eyes, people quite far back in the queue were crying as well, it was dreadfully harrowing. I went in and asked if I could use the toilet and they said something about there not being any bottles for sale yet and that I’d have to take a ticket. I said I just wanted to pee and they sort of laughed and said ok and then on the way back out the girl at the till asked if I’d like to buy a bottle anyway and I think a combination of tiredness and a recent bonus compelled me to go ‘fuck it’ treat yourself. So I bought this bottle and just went on my merry way. It was quite horrific trying to get back to the car, they kept pawing at me trying to claw at the bottle in the bag and screeching. Thankfully they were all so weak and debilitated that I was able to free myself from their clutches quite easily. One of them just looked up at me with dead eyes and whispered ‘Kill me!’ it was like being in a Vietnam War film only with slightly less napalm.” 

The car park at Macallan Distillery at 7am on Monday morning.

The car park at Macallan Distillery at 7am on Monday morning.

Mr Dunbar has since had to take refuge in his house due to the increasingly agitated mob of whisky investors protesting outside his front garden. Roddy MacSporran, a straggle-bearded, torch wielding, maelstrom of insanity from Auchenbowie said:

“He’s no right. It’s an outrage! A bloody outrage! That’s not what these bottles are for. I would have paid him £200 for that bottle, he could have earned a tidy profit of £25 and  it could be nestling in my floating stock portfolio right about now, not my long term hard stock basement portfolio you understand, obviously the Easter Elchies releases are short term up-trading, free floating, liquidifiers, primarily designed to bolster internal cash flow and redirect long term revenue streams into my basement stock holding by way of middle ground investment trading platforms and bottle subsidising enterprises through which I can utilise my bottle appreciation networking channels. Do you have any spare shoes? I’ve been here for two days now and my toes are starting to turn black.” 

Sitting gloomily in his study while nursing a large dram of the Macallan Keith Dunbar said:

“Funny thing is it’s not a bad dram at all. It’s a shame all these chaps out there have gone so giddy in the head about it. They’ve been protesting outside ever since I got home, at first my wife would put out bowls of muesli for them but the man from the council said it’s best not to feed them because they’ll just keep coming back. Apparently there’s been a big problem with whisky investors all over the UK in recent months. I looked online and I says the best way to get rid of them is to start online rumours about a collection being up for sale in another part of the country and they’ll all move on. If that doesn’t work then I’ll have to either have them fumigated or shot, both of which are a bit expensive. I wish I’d just pissed in the woods like I usually do.” 

Whisky Investors of the world unite.

Whisky Investors of the world unite.

Fakey McRefill, a sly, ebay dwelling creature, speaking from the comfort of the shadows at the periphery of society said:

“Mr Dunbar, when you have finished with this bottle kindly sell to me, I like to have it for my nice empty bottle collection, also if you have the cork and still the wrapper I take this too. Happy happy happy days…”

 

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This is the teaser poster for the show.

This is the poster for the show.

A teaser trailer for a new, as yet unnamed, US based sitcom about whisky investment has garnered overwhelming praise for its blend of cringe-comedy, outrageous surrealism and outlandish characterisation. The trailer, which runs for a mere 2.16 minutes, has been sufficient to hook in thousands of whisky fans with many clamouring for news of when the full series will be available on Netflicks. It features the main character of Nicholas Pollacchi, a blithering Scottish haircut who oils his way around three pointless whiskies like a deep fried kilt while delivering outrageously hilarious dialogue to a couple of woodstained condoms full of wax. Writing in his gushing review on whiskybling.com, Jasper Clementine said:

“Who is writing this dialogue? At one point the lead character states that he foresees this ex-Duncan Taylor cask of Glenrothes that comes in some kind of disabled glitter ball as being ‘worth thirty to forty thousand dollars in ten years time’. This is beyond even the giddy heights of my all time favourite sitcom Allo Allo, did they get Aaron Sorkin to write it?” 

The series has been commissioned and produced as a co-production by Shedrington Distillers and The Glenrothes, it is due to be unleashed sometime in the new year. Written by Mandy Sampsung of Whisky Highland it stars an unidentified, terrifying Scottish manchild as leading character Nicholas Pollacchi. Michael Palin as his arch nemesis Dr Nick Morgan, Samuel L Jackson as the mysterious Professor Jill Bumsden and Hodor from Game Of Thrones as the mighty George Grant. It will be directed by Danny Dyer with original music by Susan Boyle based on random melodies hummed by all the idiots on facetube who describe bottles in their cupboard as a ‘portfolio’.

Get tae fuck!

Get tae fuck!

Speaking after viewing the trailer between intense bouts of online pornography Victoria Shagging Barlfy, the human equivalent of the ’50 monkeys at a typewriter’ hypothesis but without the Shakespeare bit, said while wiping a sheen of sweat from her forehead with a tissue of questionable hygiene:

“What an interesting looking drama, I must watch it, how thought provoking. Now where did I leave that well thumbed copy of ‘101 Opinions To Contradict Before You Get A Massive Punch In The Face’ ?”

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'but this one is a 17 year old..."

‘but this year it’s a 17 year old…”

Following the latest release in their coveted Easter Eggs series of bottlings, the visitor centre at Macallan has begun to resemble some kind of squalid third world refugee camp. Complete with oozing mud, red cross stations and pestilence, whisky fanatics from all over Scotland have been camping out in the hope of acquiring a bottle since last week. Roddy MacSporran, a malnourished, raving lunatic with an incredibly comfortable house just minutes away in Craigellachie said from his cardboard box:

“I’ve been here since last tuesday so hopefully I’ll be able to get a bottle or two. Just as well really because I’m starting to get these strange pustules on my legs and arms and my teeth are coming loose. They chuck us a handful of grain once a day but most of us are reluctant to leave our places in the queue for it. One chap a few places up from me lost consciousness and we all managed to bump up a few places. I wouldn’t mind so much if it wasn’t raining all the time. Would you mind emptying this bucket for me? It’s getting a bit full is all.” 

Macallan’s head of collector bating Quentin Jockstrap said:

“It’s quite sweet how much of an effort they all make, it’s nice to know how much they love our whisky and obviously want to buy these bottles so they can drink them and enjoy them. I’m not looking forward to telling them that the staff have bought them all.” 

Roddy MacSporran added:

“It’s like T in the park but with far fewer drugs and teenagers. Sadly.” 

Dwayne Lightningrod of scotchwhisky-onlineauctions.org said:

“One at a time now, one at a time…”

"Just mix it in with the draft."

“Just mix it in with the draft.”

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