The Scottish government has responded today to last night’s incident where a bottle of Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna sold for £1600 in an online auction. Speaking from Holyrood’s secret whisky command bunker somewhere deep beneath the streets of Edinburgh, First Minister Alex Salmond said:
“Things are quite frankly getting out of hand, this is really just the final straw, for weeks now I’ve been looking on The Whisky Investor and Malt Maniacs facebook pages and the sheer quantity of utter gibberish currently being talked up is beyond measure! I mean I’m tempted just to cancel this whole whisky thing altogether, between this and these bloody emails I keep getting everyday from some upstart called Blow Hairman asking me if he can sit on my knee and be photographed for this world whisky day thing, I mean seriously, what has gotten into people?”
Edgar Grumbleweed, a complete bastard from Milton Keynes wrote on facebook:
“I’m obviously nonplussed by the Special Release prices this year but to be honest my current portfolio is showing 20% gains above current secondary market trending patters so I’m pretty comfortable on a static investment front. Although I’m totally going to be utilising my lower end stock to regain footholdings in Brora and Port Ellen before the end of the year, I mean who wants to sit on the uninvestable Kilchoman releases when I can cut my losses at mere 50% profit and re-establish my upward growth forecasts in investment grade distilleries with minimum overall outlay and maximum long-term projections. I mean what could possibly go wrong, I pity these idiots who are like, totally selling these bottles now. I’ll be sitting pretty come 2020.”
Phil Level, a smouldering mass of pent up hatred from Dornoch said:
“Ten years in jail isn’t that long is it? Yeah, I can do that, I have to, I’m just going out now, how far is Milton Keynes? Where did I leave that rusty scythe…?”
It was agreed late last night almost unanimously by MSPs that there will be an immediate six month initial ban on the practice of whisky auctioneering, extendable if it is felt to be necessary and people are still insisting on being silly after that initial time. There will be heavy fines payable by anyone caught saying utterly nauseating horse shit on social media sites. These include but are not limited to:
1: Discussing Whisky Investment in an overly serious or arrogant manner.
2: Banging on about how whisky is ONLY for drinking and all these collector bastards are ruining things.
3: Using the word ‘Portfolio’ in relation to a private whisky collection.
4: Paying more than £50 for a bottle of Flora & Fauna whisky (with the exception of Caol Ila, Clynelish & Rosebank because they actually posses some semblance of individual character).
5: Casually announcing you still have a couple of bottles/cases of something that has just sold for stupid money with an utterly contemptible air of self satisfaction that just makes people want to glue your mouth round a funnel and fill you up with Loch Dhu until you weep caramel.
6: Possessing the utterly rancid opinion that whisky is some sort of bullet proof investment that is somehow immune to the pressures of global socio-economic change.
Mandy Sampson, a DarthVaderesque presence behind the murky closed doors of the whisky world said from her impenetrable northern whisky fortress of Maltdor:
“This is just the beginning, soon the crow flies south, soon the great chalice of Maltustirith will be undone and the age of eternal investment will be upon us, the seas will darken, these mere mortal portfolios will wither and pass like the wind into shadow. The days have gone down in the west, we stand now upon the thresh hold of the Macallan time, the Dalmore time, it is here, before the walls of scotchwhisky-onlinemultearnams.org that the doom our collections will be decided!….can I interest any of you in some complimentary Whisky Highland credits?”
Professor Alice Clarke, author of a special UN report on Peak Oil said when told about ‘investment grade whisky’:
“Wow. Do people really believe that? Probably best not to tell them anything, it’s quite cute in a way how much fun they’re obviously having. At least in ten years time they’ll have potential fuel already bottled in handy transportable containers that they could barter for food or just use to drink themselves to death with.”